Edited by Donna, Maria Quinney, VC
Why You May Feel That You Are Not Worthy of Love
People who do not feel that they are worthy of love tend to have low self-esteem and also harbor a bit of self-contempt. This is because people with low worth often think that if nobody else is loving them they shouldn't love themselves either. The unfortunate result of this is that their lack of self-care makes them less attractive than ever and reduces their chances of being loved again.
There are plenty of reasons why you may not feel that you are worthy of love.
- You might have been raised in a religion or culture where you were taught that men should behave in ways that violated your own innate sense of what is right or wrong or that woman are of less value than me
- You may have been shamed or bullied in the school yard as a young child
- You were in a physically and/or emotionally abusive relationship as a child and feelings of low self-worth have always been part of your psychology
- You have been in a traumatic codependent relationship with a narcissist that challenged your sense of identity and constantly made you question whether or not you were worthy of love
- You have purposefully or accidentally wronged someone else and the feelings of guilt are so overwhelming that you do not feel that you can like yourself ever again
- You may have suffered from a traumatic betrayal of some kind by people who you hold in high regard, thus making you feel like you are not worthy of love by anyone
- You may be unrealistically measuring your own appearance or achievements against those of a celebrity or rival and have decided that you are unlovable until you have the same attributes of that person
- You feel like you have been bullied or intimidated into submission or silence and your voice is not being heard, thus leading to feelings of low self-worth and unimportance in the world
- You may feel alone in this world and like nobody loves you and therefore why should you love yourself
- You are an insecure or jealous person by nature, and the more envious you feel of others, the more envious you feel about others and the more jealous you are o yourself
- A series of terrible events beyond your control have made you feel like God has betrayed you and if God doesn't care for you, why should you care for yourself
The Consequences of Not Loving Yourself
The consequences of not loving yourself are maybe not obvious at first, but over the long-term, they can have a terrible impact on your life as a whole. Here are some of the things that can happen if you do not start taking care of yourself, and loving yourself as much as you would anyone else.
- You may put too much importance on what others have to say about you and value their opinion more than your own
- You may develop a pattern of codependency and rescuing people who do not deserve your love, in order to prove that you are of some value and that you are a martyr and a hero
- You may aim low in romance and in your career, because your feelings of low self-worth may have convinced you that you are not worthy of more and that if things did go wrong, you could not handle the disappointment
- You might lose your looks faster than other people as you age, because you do not feel that you are worthy of self-care
- You may not go to the doctor and take care of yourself because you may feel that you are not worth it somehow
- You put everybody else's needs before your own, to bolster your opinion of yourself and the result is that you are taken advantage of financially and in love and your health may suffer as well
- You may start medicating feelings of low self-worth through an addiction such as overeating or alcohol and the result is a ravaged appearance and an unhealthy psyche
- You may become a shopaholic or hoarder because objects begin to symbolize your self-worth to you
- You may attract people who take advantage of you because you telegraph messages of low self-worth
Ways to Overcome Low Self Esteem and Love Yourself
Here are some ways that you can overcome low self-esteem and learn to love you.
- 1Many people with low self-esteem start their day off by peering into the lives of others on Facebook and other social media. If you have low self worth, this is a habit that you need to abort immediately. Nothing feeds insecurity more than comparing your life to the lives of others. Instead, turn on the technology later, or not at all, and begin your day with fifteen minutes of meditation, where the focus is on yourself, clearing the chatter of your inner critic and preparing yourself for the day.Begin your day with fifteen minutes a day of meditation, instead of checking your social media.
- 2In the morning, practice an attitude of gratitude by writing down ten things that you are thankful for and at night spend another fifteen minutes asking the universe for what you need, perhaps by making a list of ten things that you would like to manifest in your life the next day. This exercise calms you and helps you develop an appreciation for yourself and your circumstances.Spend fifteen minutes a day, twice a day, writing in a journal.
- 3Often people with low self worth have let themselves go in some way and need important matter such as their dental health or weight gain addressed. Set reasonable goals for attaining the help you need, as well as how you are going to get the money to pay for any "repairs" to yourself and break these goals down into a step-by-step plan so you can help yourself get better. Simply addressing outstanding health problems can go a long way towards raising your self-esteem and your new sense of self-worth will also make you less vulnerable to abusive or predictive personalities.Make an action plan as to how you are going to improve anything that is wrong with you physically.
- 4People with low self-worth often feel trapped by their circumstances. Look outside of your self-created prison, which you have made to punish yourself for somehow not being good enough and find the solutions. Sometimes this can mean moving, going back to school or asking for a raise. Do not listen to your inner critic, which will always be telling you that you are somehow not worth it.If you do not like your job, make a step-by-step action plan to find a new occupation and recover financially.
- 5For most people this means battling an addiction of some kind. There are many self-help groups and therapists available to help people with such problems as alcoholism, heroin addiction or overeating. Some people have issues with their tempers, which make them feel very sheepish after an explosion, in which case, taking an anger management class might help.If you have a behavior that is causing your to feel ashamed then address it.
- 6Each entry should read, "I love myself because…" The topics can be anything from a point about your survival "I never hit anyone in my life, despite the fact I was beaten over and over as a child." to "I have beautiful hands." Makes sure that the loving statement that you make reflect back only to yourself and have nothing to do with what others think of you.Buy a notebook and spend an entire weekend making a list of 100 things that make you worthy of love.
- 7This sounds a bit facile, but sprucing up your outer appearance by wearing new clothes, new make up and getting your hair done can go a long ways towards making you feel better about your circumstances. The idea here is to create new a new branding of yourself that defines you as a person of self-esteem who is separated from a person who used to have low self-esteem. With both men and women it is important to stay away from depressive behaviors like wearing the same clothing every day, unwashed clothing or putting as little effort as possible to the face you present to the world, and to yourself in the mirror.Get a makeover.
- 8Even if you do not feel like a million bucks, act as if you do. Dress well, report to the carpet and offer everyone a big smile. Often acting like the person you wish to be leads to powerful personal change in a person's life.Fake it until you make it.
- 9Listening to gossip about you can be very damaging to the self-esteem of an insecure person. This is also why it can be important to stay away from social media, especially if you are the victim of bullying on the media or if pictures of your ex's current wonderful relationship are bothering you. If you feel uncomfortable about your own opinion of yourself, then seriously take an hour, make a list, and think about what you can do to make adjust that opinion of yourself. For instance, if you got drunk and hit someone, apologizing to the person that you harmed will help raise your self-esteem, simply because you have done the right thing.Make what your own opinion of yourself the most important one and ignore what anyone else has to say about you.
- 10This means focusing on yourself, your health and your own ambitions People with low self-esteem often meddle in the lives of others because they do not have any relationships of their own or any self-respect. Sometimes people with very low self-worth will create trouble in other people's relationships, because they are seeking negative attention from others, because that is better than no attention at all. To combat this tendency, which takes energy away from your own life, extend your arms and twirl around. This is the sphere of everything that is "your business", and you should ignore everything else.Get a life and stay out of the lives of others.
- 11There is nothing that raises your opinion of yourself more than doing something willingly and with all your heart for people that you do not know. This is not the same as rescuing a codependent partner because you do not expect any reward or thanks for going to so much trouble.Join a charity or philanthropist organization and do something for strangers with no expectation of a return for you.
- 12Many people with low self-esteem are unable to forgive someone for betraying them or hurting them. They keep replaying the hurtful scenario over and over in their minds because they cannot let it go. Forgiving the other person or situation does not mean that you approve of the situation or the you will allow the other person back into your life or that you condone what has happened to you. You will simply feel better about yourself and not be dominated by thoughts of the past if you forgive the culprits and stop dwelling on it. This spares you from living in a constant condition of resentment or hate, which ultimately will give you personal peace and boost your self-esteem.Forgive, let go and let live.
- 13Other people with low self worth tend to reinforce what are bad, rather than good about your life by identifying with the worst things that have happened to you. Try to keep company with positive, successful people who believe in you. However, even then, you should value your own opinion of yourself more than anybody's.Stay away from pity parties and negative people who reinforce your low self-esteem.
- 14For instance if you were in a relationship with a mentally ill person who is not quite rational and the prognosis is not good because that person will not stop drinking, then all of the dwelling in the past in the world cannot change what has happened. Realize that what you resist persists and that the more energy you put into recalling the situation, the more of a losing battle you will be fighting, and more you will feel a drop in your self-esteem.Recognize the things that you can change and stop fighting against the things that you cannot.
- 15Beating yourself up for making some wrong decisions is a sure way to lower your self-esteem. Start seeing yourself as a survivor, rather than as a victim of circumstances.Start seeing all failures and mistakes you have made in the past as stepping stones and learning experiences that will guide you towards a better future.
- 16When you feel overwhelmed by the past or things you cannot change, you can improve your mood by taking a long walk in nature. If you are not used to walking a certain distance, set achievable goals for yourself and then reward yourself with a healthy treat for achieving them. Walking helps trigger the feel-good chemicals in your brain that help you see yourself and others in a better light.Silence your inner critic by taking a long walk in nature for an hour every day.
- 17If you are living wholly in the present moment, then it is impossible for you to live in the past. To accomplish this, stop talking about the past and do not allow others to talk about your past either. Simply state that you do not want to "go there any more." If the person is truly supportive of you, then they will support your wishes not to talk about the past. Showing restraint on your part, by refusing to talk about it, will also help build your self-esteem.Be mindful at all times and live in the present.
- 18Take an art or writing class or simply travel to a vacation destination for fun. A change of scene or using your brain in different ways does wonders for the mental and emotional health of an individual who cannot stop obsessing about the past.Explore the playful and creative sides of your personality.
- 19Sometimes low-self esteem comes from the feeling that you are not being heard. If you are being bullied or taken advantage of, speak up and stand up for you. Being your own advocate to be treated fairly is sometimes all you can do to improve a situation that is chipping away at your self-worth.When it comes to important matters, make your voice heard.
- 20This way you do not set yourself up for the kind of disappointment that can putting someone on a pedestal can bring. Realizing that really mean people are mean because they have issues that have nothing to do with you can help release you from their judgments.Have realistic expectations of your relationships and realize that people are human and make mistakes or that they are cruel because they have been treated meanly them.
- 21This is the individual that you thought you could be when you were a child and that was eventually suppressed and silenced. Sometimes this child was forced to adapt a personality that was submissive in order to survive terrible circumstances. Now that you are an adult you may have carried this personality into adulthood, where it is not serving to make you happy. Constantly pretending to be someone you are not, to please others, is one of the worst things that you can be in life.Try to be more in touch with your authentic self.
- 22Humor helps dispel all of the bad karma that you might feel that you deserve as the result of making some mistakes in the past. Laughing helps lessen your own sense of self-importance and silence the voice of your inner critic, who wants you to live out past dramas in a script that features you as the villain.Have a sense of humor about life in general.
- 23If you are having a hard time feeling better about yourself consider seeing a mental health professional who can help you deal with your issues and value yourself.Consider getting professional help and consult a life coach or therapist.
- 24Truly loving yourself, every day takes patience and persistence and will lead to a greater sense of self-worth that can change your life for the better for good.Be consistent and maintain healthy daily routines that will boost your self-esteem.
Tips and Tricks
- The idea that a person will come along, such as a Prince Charming or a Sugar Mama and rescue from your own self-neglect is a myth, it is important to be your own rescuer in life
- Patience is key when you are trying to create personal change and remember to forgive yourself for any lapses or set backs as there are usually many pitfalls when you try to raise your self-esteem
Recent edits by: Maria Quinney, Donna