Deal with a Long Term Relationship Break Up
Edited by francesca gare, Graeme, Eng, Nuance and 2 others
Long-term relationships are hardest to let go of, and when its time to put an end to it, it's usually devastating - for one or both of the couple. It's hard to lose not only the person you have loved, and love, but also a part of yourself at the same time and it hurts because you've invested a lot of time and emotion in the relationship, only to let it go. Break-ups hit hard, especially after the reality of it sinks in. For some, it feels as if their entire world has ended. There is a whirlwind of emotions that you suddenly feel all at once not allowing you to think straight or to act right.
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
We may not realize it at the time, but it's probably the best thing we ever did for ourselves or for our partner. We get too attached to the relationship and too comfortable with each other that we don't see what's beyond "us", and that's what makes it hard to accept that the relationship we thought was a happily ever after ends up to be a disaster, or worse - boring.
We must understand that there was life before the relationship and that there will be life after it. We do not really lose ourselves in the process of letting go instead we gain more from it after we have honed the experiences we've been through in that relationship. It can't, however we want it to, be done overnight. It will take time to heal and accept then finally move forward.
People would be better equipped to handle these situations if a breakup wasn't always looked upon as a "failure", but rather a beautiful time together than can end with love and gratitude.
After Breakup (Don'ts)
- 1We tend to question why the breakup happened in the first place and then we often blame ourselves for the breakup happening, however we must remember that relationships only work if both of you want it, and work on it, and when a relationship ends, it's usually about both of you - not just one of you. The gravity may differ but regardless of the reason why you broke up keep in mind that you each have your share of shortcomings.Don't blame yourself.
- 2Trying to stay in contact with each other will not help ease the process and will definitely not get everything back the way it was. Yes, you will for sometime miss the comfort of each others company, and hearing them on the other end of the line can be soothing, but it will only last for that moment and may give one of you false hopes.Don't try to reach out or communicate.
- 3I remember a friend telling me once "if you and your ex are still friends, it either means that you never really loved each other or you still do" if you ask me I never really tried to find out which is which and just dropped out on being friends. It's nice if it was the later but there's a big "what if" at the back of your mind. It can be harsh to say that friendship cannot be offered but it's necessary for you to be able to let go. The truth is, the only reason why we seek friendship after the break up is so we can still be in their lives and try to fix what we know cannot be fixed.Don't stay friends.
- 4If you jump from one relationship to another without giving yourself time to re-collect yourself, it's unlikely the new relationship will last and you'll end up hurting someone else or worse you end up hurting yourself more. If you're still hung up on your previous relationship, starting something new abruptly won't erase the hurt you're feeling, it may mask the pain but it won't take it away. Some people say you need half the time of your relationship to heal - so if you went out for two years, you need a year to heal. Not enough heed this advice.Don't look for a fall back guy/girl.
After Breakup (Do's)
- 1By grieving the end of your relationship you will be able to feel the pain that you should be feeling and be okay about it, because you know that eventually it will get better. Cry if you have to, if it means that you need to bother your friends or your family day and night then do it, don't be afraid to pour your heart out and embrace the pain in this process you will learn and you will grow.Do embrace the hurt.
- 2If that teddy bear on your bed is a gift from your ex and it reminds you of how you were and makes you lash out in tears then put it away. Remove everything that reminds you of the person and the hurt you are now feeling, if it means throwing it away then do it. Don't linger on what has been, instead think about it as a lesson worth learning and look forward to the future, make space for new things in your life now.Do put away the things that constantly remind you of your ex.
- 3You only broke up with one person and not the entire population of your social life. You shouldn't hide your self from the world, instead you should continue living your life with the world. Your friends will keep you sane, and at the same time it will help ease the depression. Both your family and friends will provide the support you need and help encourage you to be strong. They accept your vulnerability and will provide comfort. They will guide you and help reach your goals to move on and let go.Do connect with your family and friends.
- 4Incorporating new activities in your daily routine which you enjoy will keep you busy and prevent you from over thinking the current situation and thus will eventually help move you forward. Trying out things you weren't able to do before will allow you to gain control of your identity once again and you will get to experience yourself anew.Do activities you enjoy or try out new things.
- 5Since you've been entirely occupied loving your ex, and thinking about the love you've suddenly lost you tend to forget yourself. Try to fall in love with you again. Get to know the new you and reconnect with the old you. Go out with yourself, doesn't mean your lonely if you are alone. It sometimes pays to give attention to yourself by doing so you will end up loving you and you will be ready to start a new relationship and probably love someone again.Do love yourself.
- 6The love, the fun, the sharing - all these things don't disappear; they become part of who you are. Never forget that.Always remember what the relationship gave to you.
Questions and Answers
Help! I have been dumped after being in a relationship for 22 yesrs?
I have been dating a man for 22 years and now he has stopped all contact. This has happened MANY times before and I basically go begging back. It's very upsetting and I can't keep doing it. He does want to be with me and has totally cut me off.
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Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: VC, Nuance, Eng