What to Do when Your Wife Hates You
Edited by Kathy McGraw, Maria Quinney
Hate is a strong word: if someone hates you, they feel something pretty strong about you.Hate is the flip side of love; it's what love turns into when resentment builds with no outlet. It's what sometimes happens when the love you used to nurture carefully is not tended and withers on the vine into a twisted reflection of itself.
While it's hard to confront the truth that your wife hates you, take heart in that she still feels something rather than nothing. Take heart as well in the knowledge that just as her love has turned into hate, it can be turned back into love if you make the necessary changes.
Find Out Why She Hates You
Chances are you already have a pretty good idea about why she hates you. You've been living with the woman for a while now, and she didn't wake up one day and decide that she can't stand the sight of you. It took time for her love to harden into hatred, and in that time, she probably gave you a few clues about why that might be. Let's take a look at some of the common reasons wives end up hating their oblivious husbands:
- 1It's a common enough issue in most, if not all marriages, given enough time. You see each other every day, and it becomes easy just to assume that your wife will always be there, the same as always. However, in assuming her continued presence, you are forgetting that she can choose to be elsewhere if she is not getting what she needs from you in return.You take her for granted.
- 2The days of Leave It to Beaver are long gone if they ever existed in the first place. She works, too, and it's no longer enough for you to go to work, come home, take out the trash once a week and call it a fair distribution of household labor.You don't do enough around the house.
- 3While you're allowed time with your friends, if you're going out with them twice during the week and on two out of the four weekends in a month, that's a little overkill. You aren't spending nearly enough time with your wife, and you aren't nurturing your relationship with her. It's time to reexamine your priorities.You're always out with the boys.
- 4Do you smack your lips when you eat? Perhaps you leave your dirty socks on the bedroom floor or clip your toenails in bed. We all have them; the little nitpicky things we do that annoy our spouses. In the early days of your courtship when the sheen of love shone brightly on your relationship, neither you nor she could see these little flaws, but as time passed and the shine dulled, they became quite apparent.You do things that annoy her.
- 5Perhaps you've put on a few extra pounds, and your six pack has faded into a paunch that overhangs your belt. Perhaps you've started doing the comb-over that seems to be almost universal among men of a certain age who start to lose their hair. Or maybe you've suddenly discovered your inner-codger and have started pairing shorts with black socks and sandals. Yes, it's petty, but women require some level of physical attraction, too.You've let yourself go.
- 6Women love romance. They love feeling like they're special and precious to the men in their lives. She remembers how at the beginning of your relationship, you used to do little sweet things for her. You left her love notes or brought her small tokens of appreciation. You spent quality time together just cuddling and talking. In your arms, she felt like a princess. She misses that and feels like you no longer care enough about her to try anymore.You're not romantic.
- 7Along with taking her for granted and not romancing her enough, perhaps you've taken to finding fault with her a little bit too much. Perhaps you have some resentments roiling inside, and they are finding their way out in caustic critiques that do nothing to help her to fix whatever she is doing wrong; instead, they just wear her down and make her feel small and ineffectual.You're too critical.
- 8If you cheated on her, you destroyed her trust in you, and it has fueled a resentment that's hard to overcome. Once lost, trust is quite difficult to get back. You have to be quite diligent at it and bear in mind that any other faults in your relationship will crack further under the weight of your infidelity.You cheated on her.
- 9If she is seeing someone else, then she has completely disinvested herself from your relationship. She is seeking in them what she can't find with you, and although it was her decision to cheat and you are not at fault, everyone has reasons for what they do, and her cheating on you is no different.She's cheating on you.
Should You Try and Save Your Marriage?
Sometimes a marriage is beyond redemption, or at least very close to it. In such cases, the very foundations of a successful marriage are gone or near-to- collapsing, and there is little that can be done to salvage it. However, even if you see some of the signs below in your marriage, don't lose all hope; you may yet save your marriage, but you'll need intensive marriage counseling soon.
- 1Marriage counselors call this "decoupling, " and it signals that you are both disconnected from each other. There is no "us" or "we" any longer. You're just two individuals sharing space rather than a cohesive unit working together.You don't spend any time together.
- 2You no longer listen to each other. Your first response is to assume the other person is attacking you, so you attack back without the slightest regard for your partner's feelings.You don't respect each other.
- 3If one of you is always cheating on the other, it means that perhaps the cheater isn't meant for marriage, or alternatively, it could mean that the cheater really doesn't love the other spouse and is there for some other reason.One of you cheats repeatedly.
- 4Everybody and their grandmother know about how you "hate my marriage" except for the one person who is actually in the marriage with you.You are talking to everybody about your relationship problems but your partner.
- 5Resentments fester instead of being healed. Neither you or your partner care anymore to try and resolve things between you because you've lost hope that anything will ever change.Resentments never get addressed.
How to Turn Her Hate Back into Love
To turn her hate back into love, you're going to fix the problems in your marriage, at least the ones you can control. After addressing the controllable factors, you might find the less controllable issues become less important as the love rebuilds between you and your wife. Let's look at those reasons for why she hates you again and talk about how to address them.
- 1Be thankful that she has chosen to spend her life with you. Realize that she could choose to be elsewhere, yet she is here with you, taking care of you and loving you. Here are some ways you can show appreciation:Appreciate your wife and everything she does for you.
- Tell her. Make sure she knows how much you love her. Those words mean a lot.
- Be there for her when she needs you. Reciprocation is a great way to show your respect for her.
Tips and Tricks
- A quiet evening with just the two of you where you can talk together and hold each other is sometimes preferable to a night out at a dance club.
- If you've gained weight, hit the gym and try to eat better. You will feel better, both physically and mentally, which your wife will notice and help her to remember the man she fell in love with.
- Always treat your wife with love and respect.
- Don't always try to fix things; sometimes your wife just wants you to listen to her vent.