Survive in a Physically Abusive Marriage
Edited by estrella sacragon, Lynn, Eng, Shelley
8 Parts:
No one deserves to be abused, whether it's physically, emotionally or mentally. If you're living in a physically abusive marriage, you know how difficult it can be to get out of the situation. However, with careful planning, you can leave the relationship and rebuild your life. There are many resources available for people in abusive relationships, so take advantage of all the help you can get. Remember that you have the right to be happy, loved and respected. Below are a few steps you can take to safely survive and get out of a physically abusive marriage.
Contents
- 1 Develop a Safety Plan
- 2 How to Keep Your Children Safe in an Abusive Household
- 3 How to Keep Pets Safe in an Abusive Household
- 4 How to Protect Yourself From Abuse If You're Pregnant
- 5 How to Leave a Physically Abusive Relationship
- 6 How to Move on Emotionally After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
- 7 Tips & Warnings
- 8 Comments
Develop a Safety Plan
If you're currently living with an abusive spouse, you need to put some precautions in place to keep yourself safe from harm. It's extremely important to develop a safety plan in private or with trusted friends or family, but without the abuser's knowledge. It's often hard to figure out what to do when you're in the middle of a violent situation and your adrenaline is high, so planning in advance can be a lifesaver if something were to occur.
- 1You should have the phone numbers of your friends, family, police, work and school programmed into your phone in case an emergency arises and you need to contact someone. Try to keep the phone with you or close to you at all times. It's also a good idea to copy these numbers down onto paper and keep them with you in case you lose access to your phone. You should also take note of where the closest public phone is and the phone number of your local shelter. If your phone is on your abuser's plan, they might be able to track you, so leave it behind.Program important numbers into your phone.
- 2Alert trusted family, friends, neighbors and co-workers to your situation.It might be difficult or embarrassing to tell people about the abuse, but it's safest to let people that you trust know about your situation. Plan a code word or a signal that you can use to let them know if you're in danger so they can call the police, or ask a neighbor to call the police if they hear any loud or violent noises coming from your home. Most people are understanding and will do what they can to help.
- 3A safe area of the home has an exit and no weapons in the room, so that's where you should go if an attack does occur. Don't let the abuser get between you and the exit, if possible. Take walks outside to scope out safe hiding places and the closest public places you can get to quickly if you need help.Plan a safe, quick exit route from your house and practice it often.
- 4Keep it in a place your abuser won't find it, or leave it with a trusted friend or family member. Include anything that you might need if you can't get back into your house during the transition period. Here are a few things you should keep in the bag:Stash away an emergency bag.
- Change of clothes, socks and underwear for yourself and your children.
- Birth certificates, social security cards, passports, green card, mortgage information, car title, registration, proof of insurance, money, credit cards, checkbook, bank information, custody information, rental agreement, car title, registration and proof of insurance.
- Spare keys to your house and car.
- Prescriptions and glasses or contact lenses.
- A few toys or your child's favorite blanket.
- 5If you can't do that, move them to a place that only you know about.Lock away guns or weapons.
- 6Try to park your car facing out of the driveway or parking lot, and leave only the driver's side door unlocked. Make sure you keep gas in the tank at all times. Keep your keys on your person or in a place that's easy to get to.Prepare your car for a quick escape.
- 7Protect your body from physical attacks.If you do get into a violent situation, protect yourself by curling up into a ball in the corner and covering your head and face with your hands. This can help minimize injury to your head, face and torso.
How to Keep Your Children Safe in an Abusive Household
Even if your abuser doesn't hit the children, it's psychologically and emotionally harmful for them to witness such abuse toward you. There are many ways you can help keep your kids safe from harm during the transition period.
- 1Tell them not to intervene during violent situations since this can be very dangerous.Teach your children that violence is never okay, and when they should call 911.
- 2If you're being attacked, you might not be able to get out immediately. Tell your children where they can safely hide in the house that has an easy exit. Come up with a code word or signal that you can use if the kids need to get out of the house immediately. Instruct them on where to go and who to contact, such as a neighbor, in case of an emergency. Once they're safe, instruct them to call 911.Tell your children what to do if a violent situation occurs.
- 3Practice your escape plan with the children.You can tell them you're practicing a fire drill so that if your abuser finds out, it won't seem out of the ordinary.
- 4Children are often scared and confused when living in abusive situations, so let them know who they can call or go to if they're feeling upset. Take them to counseling, if possible, to help them cope.Find out who your child feels comfortable with or who they can talk to.
- 5You don't have to share all the details of the abuse, but let your children know that the situation is not their fault, and that you love them. You just want them to be safe, so you're coming up with a plan in case of an emergency. You don't have to specify it's because of abuse or violence, since children often tell the other parent what they hear.Talk to your children.
How to Keep Pets Safe in an Abusive Household
If you're reluctant to leave an abusive marriage because of your pet, you're not alone. Studies have shown that 65% of abuse victims won't leave because they're concerned for the safety of their pets. It's best to take your pets with you, but if you can't, there are things you can do to ensure their safety and welfare. 
- 1Bring your pets' medical records, medication, food or other provisions when you leave.
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Ask a friend or family member to take care of the pet during your transition period
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Contact your local domestic abuse or animal shelter and ask for assistance with your pets
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If you must leave your pet behind, contact the police or animal control immediately to help
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Have your pet vaccinated and licensed in your name, if possible
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Many states offer protective orders for pets
. How to Protect Yourself From Abuse If You're Pregnant
Pregnancy is oftentimes an emotional time and period of change that requires love and support more than ever, but it's important to note that domestic abuse often increases during pregnancy. It's important to do everything you can to keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy, and there are many ways you can do that.
- 1Even if your partner insists on going to appointments with you, find a spare moment to alert your doctor or nurse that you need to speak with them alone and to come up with an excuse. They will most likely assist in your plan to get out of the relationship.Discuss the abuse with your doctor.
- 2Enroll in women-only prenatal classes.These can give you the opportunity to speak freely about your pregnancy or other concerns you might have. Your instructor is likely a good person to mention your situation to, and will offer assistance.
- 3Curl up into the fetal position to protect your stomach. If possible, stay on the first floor to avoid falling down the stairs.If you are attacked while pregnant, keep yourself safe.
How to Leave a Physically Abusive Relationship
It's been proven that an abuser often escalates their behavior when the victim tries to leave out of desperation. Here are few things to consider when you're leaving the relationship.
- 1Call the police and let them know you're leaving an abusive relationship and you'd like an escort in case something were to happen. This will give you peace of mind and ensure your safety.You can get a police escort.
- 2Get a restraining order.You can do this through your local court house, domestic abuse shelter and some police stations. You can also inquire about the safety of your pets.
- 3Before you leave, let them know what you're doing and where you're going. If you've bought a pay-as-you-go phone, give them your phone number.Let your family and friends know what you're doing.
- 4You might need this if you go to court.Bring photos and other documentation of the abuse.
- 5If you have to leave quickly and you can't bring your emergency bag, you might be able to get back into the house to get your items with a police escort.Make sure you have all of your important documents when you leave.
- 6Get a pay-as-you-go phone or a new, unlisted phone number.
- 7Change the locks on your house and change your phone number. Install a security system and motion sensor lights. If you have wooden doors, install metal ones. If possible, consider moving.If you plan on staying in your home and your husband is arrested, beefy up security.
- 8Change the route you take to work.You should also change your work schedule, if possible.
- 9Let the school officials know about your situation, and if necessary, switch schools.Change the route you take to your children's school.
- 10If you get a restraining order, let your family, friends, daycare, school and work know about it and to contact the authorities if your abuser shows up. Give them a picture of the abuser if they haven't seen the person before.Keep a copy of the restraining order on you.
- 11It's best to change your usual shopping places and hangouts, since it's likely that the abuser knows about those and might look for you there.Change your social life.
- 12Change your passwords and email address.Your abuser might have access to your business or social media accounts and email, so change your passwords or create new accounts, if possible. This makes it more difficult to track you down. Don't post any personal information on the internet.
- 13This will be very helpful in making the divorce and custody process as smooth and seamless as possible. Realize that oftentimes, courts will allow supervised visits for the abusive parent if it's determined that the parent hasn't harmed the children.Contact a lawyer that handles domestic abuse divorce cases.
How to Move on Emotionally After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
You can move on and rebuild your life and emotional health after leaving an abusive relationship. It might take some time, but there are several things you can do to restore your happiness.
- 1Even if you only have one person who will listen and spend some time with you can help you feel a lot better. Get together to eat or just hang out and talk. Having a support system is one of the best things you can do for yourself.Reach out to friends or family members.
- 2If you're having trouble coping with your situation, don't hesitate to visit a counselor. They can listen to your concerns and give constructive advice on how you can rebuild your life.Go to counseling.
- 3Take time for yourself.Even if it's only a few minutes a day for a hot bubble bath, exercise, reading or watching a television show, doing something you love or that can help you relax is key to your well-being.
- 4If you need something to keep you occupied, or you want to get a new job or excel at your current one, consider enrolling in college courses or taking a class in something you want to learn more about.Learn a new skill or enroll in courses.
- 5Even something as small as calling a friend, fixing up a room in your house or organizing a closet, set goals and reward yourself when you achieve them. Work up to bigger goals and enjoy the sense of accomplishment you'll feel.Make small goals for yourself.
- 6Spend quality time with your children.You've been through a lot together, so make sure your children feel loved and appreciated. Make time to learn about what's going on at their school, who their friends are and what they're currently into. Let your children know how much they mean to you.
Tips & Warnings
- If you feel that your life is in danger, do not hesitate to call the police. If you can't do that, try your best to escape the situation and get help as quickly as possible. It's OK to leave items behind if you're in danger - the most important thing is your life.
- Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE for tips and services.
If you have problems with any of the steps in this article, please ask a question for more help, or post in the comments section below.
