Stop Cheating on Your Boyfriend or Husband
Edited by Donna, Eng, Alma, Maria Quinney
Understanding Your Need to Constantly Cheat On Your Partner
Women do not necessarily cheat on their partners because they are unhappy with their current relationship. Often they are simply swept away by an exciting new lover who is looking for a purely physical one night stand or an ex lover who happens to be in town or looking for a bit of fun. Some women might even cheat because they feel sorry for a male friend who has not had sex in a while. Often this type of cheating is kept under wraps and under control because the passion is brief or physical, or because it is understood that it will happen only once.
Serial cheating, which means continually cheating on your boyfriend with one or more partners is far more pathological and dramatic and happens because
- Your partner is not satisfying your emotionally
- He can no longer satisfy you sexually or never did
- You have a much larger sex drive than your partner and feel a genuine physical urge to copulate more often that he just can't keep up with
- You are simply a free spirit who loves to experiment sexually and feel more fulfilled and whole as a person by having numerous sexual adventures
- Your partner is too busy to spend any time with you, either romantically or physically and you feel ignored and restless
- Your partner has a job that keeps him travelling or away from you for days at a time and this leaves you feeling very lonely and bored
- You resent the way your partner takes you for granted and are cheating to prove to yourself that you are still desirable
- Your partner cheats on you and you just want to get even by having lovers of your own
- You don't know why but you are addicted to the feelings of shame that you feel after you cheat, and feel that it is somehow a punishment you deserve
- You suffer from alcoholism or a similar addiction that compels you to go out, get drunk and lose yourself in a one-night stand that you barely remember
- You have a mental illness such as depression or a bipolar disorder that causes you to self-medicate with sexual activity
- Your partner is emotionally unavailable to you because of a physical or mental illness or an addiction and you crave physical affection and attention
All of these are common reasons to have serial affairs and having a secret affair may work or a while, but the problem arises when your partner, family and friends are hurt by your behavior.
How to Control Your Compulsion To Cheat On Your Boyfriend or Husband
Compulsive cheating has many causes, and addressing the underlying psychological cause of your need to do so can help you quit what is essentially a bad habit like any other. Here are some ways of recognizing the problem and taking proactive steps to solve it.
- 1Think of your cheating as being a bad habit, like drinking or smoking and resolve to quit cold turkey. This means seeing yourself as a mature individual who is capable of making choices, rather than as a helpless romantic who easily gives away all of her power to someone who makes sexual overtures to her. Change your perspective so that you see your behavior as being more of a vice, rather than an essential coping mechanism.Advertisement
- 2Stop seeing yourself as a romantic heroine in a drama and instead see yourself as more of a villain. Many women rationalize their cheating to be the result of being caught between two loves or so desirable that neither man can resist her. Although this narrative is highly pleasing, it is more likely that you are being taken advantage of by one or more partners. Stop fictionalizing what you are doing by making it a romantic venture and see your actions for what they really are; the desperate maneuvers of a woman who is not getting enough attention in her relationship or who does not have courage to leave it. Instead of thinking of yourself as a sex siren escaping her every day boredom, start perceiving yourself as someone who is unfaithful, dishonest and a liar. Then imagine how angry you would be if your partner did the same to you.Advertisement
- 3Develop a strategy as to what you are going to do if you happen to feel the need to cheat. This strategy is about replacing the temptation to cheat with another behavior that you really enjoy. This could be a hobby, some form of exercise or an adventurous outing somewhere. Some women handle a temptation to cheat by attending a self-help group or calling a mentor or sponsor from a group. However, finding an activity that is equally stimulating to you physically as sex, such as horseback riding or going to an amusement park is best because it provides you with a similar type of excitement.
- 4If you are cheating on your partner because you are a sex addict then consider joining a support group like Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous. There is no qualification to join, only the claim that your life has become unmanageable due to your cheating on your boyfriend. Some cheaters are so addicted to pursuing men that they do so at the expense of their rent or mortgage, spending time with their children and spouse and attending to their job. There is no one central website for either organization as there are thousands of these groups in North America and Europe. To find a self-help group that meets near you, type the name of your town or city into the Google Search engine plus the name of either organization (for example, Sex Addicts Anonymous Toronto.)
- 5Get a notebook and in it jot down all of the reasons why you feel the need to cheat on your current boyfriend and then assess whether or not you want to stay in the relationship by listing all the reasons you should stay in the relationship. Often the need to continually cheat on someone happens because you do not have the courage to tell him or her you want to leave. The compromise is to find sexual or emotional satisfaction elsewhere and then not tell your boyfriend or leave your current life with him (and your children and your friends.)
- 6Make a second list in your notebook where you write down the consequences of what would happen if your partner found out about your secret tryst and refer to this list every time you are tempted to cheat again. Make this list as long as possible, counting all of the friends, holidays and opportunities for happiness that you would miss. Be sure to include the financial cost of being shunned by your hurt and angry partner and also how painful it would be to see him building a life with someone else.
- 8If you belong to any dating sites that facilitate hook-ups for cheaters, such as Ashley Madison or [https//lavalife.com Lava Life], erase your profile and do not log in again. Many sex addicts find themselves on these sites, late at night, shopping for a distraction from their life with their partner.
- 9Destroy any photos or evidence that you have had an affair. Doing this is not just about protecting your partner from finding out about your infidelity. It is also about stopping you from looking at any imagery and feeling sentimental about a lover, as this will tempt you to call him and arrange a hook-up.
- 10Do not listen to any music that reminds you of your secret affair or that is the music you usually play to get ready to go out to pick up men. Many cheating women have personal anthems that they play loudly before going out to meet their lover and they also might have a special song that they danced to with their love during their first meeting or while making love. Avoid listening to these tunes until they are no longer triggers to cheat for you.
- 11Once you have decided to leave, don't agree to meet your lover for a farewell meeting. This is one situation where you do not need closure because more often or not it leads to sex, further bonding and more cheating sessions in the future. The idea that you may not ever see each other again heightens the passion of the moment.
- 12Discipline your thoughts and do not romanticize the affair after you have ended it. If you have seen your lover more than a few times it is natural to start missing him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Make an emotionally sober, mental decision to choose not to think about him or the past or you could trigger a desire to contact him.[ [[Image:every day_27545.jpg|center|frame|Stick to doing every day pragmatic things, instead of romantic things, in order to avoid cheating.|630px]]
- 13Avoid watching movies or reading books that romanticize passionate, secret affairs. Sometimes watching a movie about an illicit passion can have some women texting their lover for a quick engagement. Most women realize what type of literature or information triggers them to think of cheating, and should avoid it.
- 14Focus on building a better relationship with your partner. Make dinner for him every night, suggest a date night and pay him special attention. Plan a romantic holiday together where you can try to iron things out. Attempt to talk to him about any problems the two of you are having and suggest that you see a therapist together if he absolutely resistant to talking to discussing any of the problematic quirks in your relationship.
- 15Do not commiserate with other cheating women or women who are negative about their own relationships. These types of friendships can lead to a line of thinking where you decide that it is a good idea to cheat again. This means being hesitant before you go out to a bar for a drink with the girls or before you meet with that girlfriend who likes to cheat on her husband too. Stay away from those who would cheer you on as you cheat.
Tips and Tricks
- There are some situations where cheating works, where your partner may be impotent or sick and is turning a blind eye to it or is also cheating on you in which case the relationship could still thrive using the "Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies" approach to emotionally managing the relationship
- Slipping up and cheating anyway when you are trying to be faithful to your partner is common, the key is to forgive yourself immediately and stay on your program of fidelity
- If you are cheating because you are being physically abused, see a therapist and develop a strategy to leave the relationship immediately
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Alma, Eng, Donna