Stop Being the Backburner Girl and Be His Number One Relationship

Edited by Donna, Eng, Maria

Signs That You Are On The Backburner in A Relationship

If he leaves you alone and always waiting, then you are on the backburner.


Being on the backburner means that a man considers your relationship to be an option for him and not a priority. This may be someone who that you have dated a few times, in which case he may text you for hours and then disappear or it could be someone that you are in love with and been seeing for years, secretly and on the side. Not all backburner relationships are secret. Sometimes the man will tell the backburner girl that she is not the one, but she can stick around and keep him company until he does meet someone more important.

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You know you are in a backburner relationship when:

  • He has promised to become your boyfriend but is behaving like both of you are stills single
  • He tells you he will never leave the relationship, but it is all up to you, thus making the emotional punishment you endure all your fault
  • He is married and keeps telling you he will tell his wife or leave his wife, but never does
  • He tells you that you have an open relationship, in which he sees other people and so can you
  • He prefers texts to calls and his language is always often sexual in nature with very few inquiries about what is going on in your actual life
  • He is affectionate with you in private but pretends like you are just friends in public
  • His Facebook relationship status says "In a relationship" but it does not say with who
  • His Facebook relationship status says that his relationship is "It's complicated.", which lets others know he has two or more lovers going at the same time
  • He receives texts from other women in front of you
If he iw always texting other women in front of you, you are on the backburner.
  • He has very few or no pictures of the two of you up on social media and if he does they are not tagged, leading you to believe that you are being hidden
  • You spend most of your time feeling jealous of women that he may or may not be seeing instead of you
  • He cancels plans at the last minute, while you lie to yourself by maintaining that he is not really standing you up and that something must have come up
  • As you were never really together, it is hard to break up and you find yourself floating in a painful relationship limbo
  • He makes jokes about how if you are both still single by the time you are sixty, you should get married
  • Your friends start pointing out that this has been going on too long and that your constant talking about him is making them feel like therapists

How to Stop Being On The Backburner and Be Number One in His Life

Being on the backburner in a relationship is exasperating and full of shocks and disappointments.


The problem with being put on the backburner is that it can stall your emotional development and life plans for many years. All of the time that you have spent waiting for this person to be true to his original promise to be with you, could have been spent pursuing a better relationship. The longer you stay with the person, the more you self-worth and self-esteem diminishes because you start believing that I he will not choose you, nobody will.

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Changing his mind about leaving you on the backburner can be traumatic and a bit difficult, especially if he is an alpha male who is really stubborn and does not like ultimatums or if he is a player who has several ladies thinking that they are all second best in his life.

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Here are some things that you can do that may change his mind and cause him to take you off the back burner and make you his number one girl.

  1. 1
    Get a complete makeover from head to toe
    .
    Get a haircut, manicure, pedicure, skin treatment and address any outstanding physical issues like weight gain or cosmetic dental problems as fast as you can. This will not only make you feel better about yourself and raise your self-esteem, it will also make him look twice the next time he sees you.
    A makeover will help boost your self-esteem and reignite is interest.
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  2. 2
    Buy yourself new clothes, wear high heels and make-up and look as sexy as possible
    .
    Pay him a visit while all dressed up like this and do not stay. He will wonder who the lucky guy is that you are putting on such a show for.
    Looking as sexy as possible will make him wonder who you are dressing up for.
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  3. 3
    Make him wait at least 24 hours before you answer a text or phone call from him and never ever answer one late at night
    .
    If you are picking up the phone past 7 pm, he is pretty sure he has you in the bag as his backburner option because you are not with someone else. However if you are never there at night and taking over a day to respond to him, he might care enough not to lose you and move nearer towards a commitment with you.
    Make him wonder by not answering his texts immediately.
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  4. 4
    Disappear for a while and do not tell him where you are going and when you return, in about two weeks, be very mysterious about your whereabouts
    .
    This might have him wondering where you have been and who you have been with and if you are going to move forward without him. One thing that egotistical player type men cannot fathom is that someone is prepared to move ahead without them. It does not matter where you go and whether you are alone, with girlfriends or with another man. Keeping him,guessing may drive him to the point where he feels more of a need to commit to you.
    Go on vacation without him ad don't tell him any details.
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  5. 5
    Announce that you will no longer be making ultimatums about when he should take you off the backburner and make you his number one
    .
    If he asks you what this means, simply tell him that in the past giving him deadlines or threatening him with leaving has not worked and then don't say anything else. If he then starts saying something like, "But what about us?", you can then tell him "Well, that's up to you." This flips the situation and makes him into the backburner boy and you into the person who is considering their options.
    Confound him with the announcement that you will no longer be giving him ultimatums.
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  6. 6
    Stop acting jealous when you see him with another woman, or if he spends too much time with his wife or another girlfriend
    .
    Even if you feel incredibly miserable about it, do not betray how you feel.
    Do not succumb to jealousy if he flirts with another woman,
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  7. 7
    Change your relationship status on social media to Single
    .
    If he notices, this is bound to upset him, because whether you have only been dating him a few times or been seeing him for ten years, he was pretty sure that you were his.
    Don't let him have the Facebook relationship status unless he is committed to you.
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  8. 8
    Indicate that if he wants to see you that he has to court you
    .
    This means taking you out for dinner or going to an event and then maybe, inviting him in for sex, if you are not too busy the next day. Refuse to hang out at his place watching television with him or to be towed along to events that would only interest him. If he shows up at your door wearing sloppy clothes, send him home to change. Show him that you have standards and make it clear that you will not be settling for less from someone you are just dating anymore. Once again, this flips the scenario so that he becomes the backburner boyfriend while you spend time searching for someone more worthwhile.
    Tell him you won't see him casually and that he has to date you.
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  9. 9
    Stop being so understanding, as it is your tolerance of his complicated life that is sustaining the situation
    .
    So what if he needs to stay with his wife because her feelings would be hurt if confronted with the truth? So what if his ex that he still sees would probably go through with her suicide attempt if she knew about you. So, what if he is not sure about where he wants to be in five years? Point out to him that what is going on with him has nothing to do with you, is none of your business and that he needs to show you the same respect and consideration that he shows everyone else in his life. If he balks at this idea and tells you are selfish, then drop him.
    Make sure he knows how bored you are with his excuses.
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  10. 10
    Buy yourself a fake diamond engagement ring and slip it on your fourth finger
    .
    When he asks you what it is about, shyly smile and don't say much. When he asks you how this will impact your relationship with him, smile again and say, "What's your best guess?" All of this might have him so mystified that he might finally promise to put a ring of his own on your finger. If he agrees to keep seeing you, despite the fact that you have shown him you have a fianceée, then drop him. Yes, this is a bit manipulative, but it is a good test of whether or not he has any urge to be with you at all. If he finds out you were lying later, simply tell him it that it was, indeed, a test of his loyalty to you and that he failed.
    Make sure that he notices your fake engagement ring.
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Tips and Tricks

  • Never ever beg a man who does not respond to your ultimatum to stay in your life or your self-esteem will be worse than ever
  • If he does not respond to your attempts to be number one, then don't chase him, simply accept that the guy is a bit of a jerk and that he has been using you all along
  • If he is married, especially older and married, don't expect him to suddenly put you on the front burner in his life as divorce can be painful traumatic and costly
  • Once you have left someone like this never agree to see him again, or you will simply end up on the back burner again
  • If you have been on the backburner for years and not left, ask yourself if you are actually the one who prefers a non-committed relationship with the opposite sex

If you have problems with any of the steps in this article, please ask a question for more help, or post in the comments section below.

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Article Info

Categories : Relationships

Recent edits by: Eng, Donna

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