Slow Down Your Relationship to Your Comfort Pace
Edited by Donna, Eng, Maria Quinney
Why It Is A Good Idea to Take A New Romance Slow At First
If a relationship is getting too intense or possessive it might be best to slow it down for a bit.
If you are in a new relationship, but things seem like they are moving too fast for you, it is fine to insist that things move at a slower pace. This is a wise idea because:
- Rushing into a commitment with someone does not give you time to get to know them and you should give each other more time with each other to see if you are absolutely compatible before getting too serious
- It gives you time to decide exactly how you want the relationship to be and what your long term goals with each other should be
- Big changes in life, such as a move to a new place, change of job or having a child take time to prepare for, especially financially, so it is best not to take on too much too fast
- Giving it more time can help you tell if the relationship was mostly sexual in nature or more about a true compatibility with each other
- Giving the relationship more time helps you humanize the person you have fallen in love with and be less disappointed by any of their flaws
Signs That You Need To Slow Down A Relationship And Think About It
You might have fallen head-over-heels in love with someone, but then sense of unease sets in. Things just do not feel quite right. It is time to slow it down and take some time to think about it when:
- 1The relationship is developing an unpleasant pattern, like the person staying out all night without calling as promised. This starts happening when you are still sexually attracted to each other but the person may also be taking you for granted, as in thinking that they "have you in the bag." Time to let him or her know that they do notAdvertisement
- 2The person may not be respecting the rules you have set for each other and simply showing up in your home whenever without any type of notice. The excuse for this is usually to justify being spontaneous and passionate, but it can also be inconvenient for you and quite rude. If the person is not considerate of your needs, it is time to slow the whole thing down and think about it.Advertisement
- 3You are in love with the person but they are showing signs of a mental illness or addiction. Unfortunately, a lot of people think they can handle a serious flaw like PTSD, narcissistic personality disorder, alcoholism or cocaine addiction, but you never can. In this case, you might want to separate yourself from the individual, conditional to she or he seeking some help.
- 4The person might be taking you for granted by expecting you to wait for them, put up with unacceptable personal habits or clean up after them. Creating distance shows them that you will not be settling for less than respectful behavior.
How to Slow Down A Relationship to a Comfortable Pace
If either of you has gotten too clingy, it might be time to slow the relationship down.
At the beginning of a relationship, most couples are on the same page about the rate they want to move at, when it comes to progressing the relationship through to sleeping together, being public, living together, marriage or having a baby. However, within days, one partner might be feeling rushed or pressured to move forward with the relationship, when they simply aren't ready.
Here is how to get your partner to back off a little and slow things down, without the entire relationship cooling off completely.
- 1Sit down with yourself and decide what it is that you really need your partner to do in order start slowing the relationship down to your comfort pace. Do you need to see him or her less during the week, when you are busy at your job? Have you set the date for a wedding that is coming up too fast for you to emotionally or financially handle? Is being crazy about each other stealing too much focus from other things that you would like to do? Make a list of exactly the things that need to be slowed down and changed and then think very hard about what you want your partner to do to help you feel less overwhelmed by what is happening.
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Sit down with your partner and have a chat that states very clearly that you are committed to the relationship and want to stay together, but also that you need to slow things down. Choose a time on a day when your partner is not busy or tired so that your partner is prepared to hear what he or she might consider being bad news. #It is best to do this in a quiet place so that he or she can hear you clearly and not misunderstand one word. If your lover gets the slightest whiff of rejection, this entire conversation could backfire and lead to the two of you splitting up. Also, do not be surprised if your eager partner does take a bit of offense to what you say at first because many partners pride themselves on thinking that they know what their lover wants. Be sure to soothe any hurt feelings, fears or doubts with kind reassuring words and a lot of affection.
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Give your partner a definite date on which you will feel more ready to discuss your long-term plans and goals with him or her and if you have decided to reduce the amount of time you stay together, then say so.
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Get a hobby, part time job or new commitment of some kind that makes it difficult for you to spend as much time as you want with your partner. This really works well if your partner is not hearing what you have to say or is thinking that he or she can still commandeer your time, despite what you have said. You can also enroll in night classes or take trips out of town. This is not necessary for most situations, but it can help you stall for time if you have a partner that becomes panicky, hurt or demanding.
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You can also stall for time and slow things down by insisting that the two of you spend more time together with your friends. This helps reduce any over-intensity or codependence in the relationship and it also helps you to perceive whether or not your partner is able to get along with your friends. Most people want a partner that is going to be sociable and not territorial or isolating. These are traits that do not come out in a person until you have known them a long while.
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It helps to reduce the amount of time that you spend talking to each other on social media or on messenger. Once you distance yourself physically, your next challenge might be to distance yourself virtually from the person. You do not want to hurt the person by cutting off all communication by text because that really will eventually lead to a breakup. However, you can tell him or her that you are not available to be texted at certain times, such as when you are at work or at class. If your partner ignores this rule, you can simply not reply to any texts that are sent.
Tips and Tricks
- Tell the person that you are a bit of an old fashioned person and that you want to slow things down, because you want the entire process to feel a bit more dignified
- Keep in mind that you do not have to explain to your partner why you need to slow it down, but you can tell him or her how overwhelmed you are feeling without going into too much detail
- A partner who truly loves you will not react with impatience, but give you the time and space that you requested before moving forward together in life
- Keep in mind that the person trying to rush you into the relationship is not doing it to drive you away, but mostly because they are enthusiastic or do not want to lose you
- Once you make a rule with your partner, as in "I only want to see you three times a week," make sure you stick to it or he or she may simply ignore the boundaries that you have set on other occasions
- If you are taking time away because you are thinking of ending it, it is best not to tell your partner that right away and instead, keep the distance between you for a few weeks, to soften the blow
If you have problems with any of the steps in this article, please ask a question for more help, or post in the comments section below.
