Love a Guarded Man

Edited by Donna, Maria Quinney, conflicted and confused

What is A Guarded Man and Who Is He?

A guarded man is too self-absorbed and troubled to connect with you.


The label Guarded Man refers to a man who is emotionally unavailable. They are called this because they are very hard to connect with emotionally, but many believe that this is not a reason to deny them unconditional love.

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Are you going out with an emotionally unavailable man? Guarded males tend to share the following traits:

  • It is very hard to tell what an emotionally unavailable person is thinking at any given time because he never shares his opinion or feeling
  • He often answers questions with a neutral non-answer or not at all
  • He does not like to make plans and finds any kind of pressure to make them oppressive or intrusive
  • He gets defensive or leaves the room when you try to discuss your relationship with him
  • He tends to shower you with gifts or do chores rather than tell you that he love you
  • He may not want to see you as much as your boyfriends in the past have and may isolate away from you to work (mostly this is about sorting his feelings about you out.)
  • He hates socializing and public displays of affections and seems like a very secretive person
  • He puts you through painful personal trials tests, without you knowing, to see how far the depths of your unconditional love will go because he trusts no one

How to Capture the Heart of a Guarded Man

Guarded men like women who are sexy and can keep a secret.


Guarded men do not like the feeling of being owned by another person and they find it hard to trust anyone. They also dislike displays of affection or emotion. This makes it doubly hard to compel one to fall in love with you. Some would even go so far to say that it is impossible to win the heart of an emotionally unavailable person and that they are emotionally immature, socially impaired and only capable of recognizing themselves.

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However, you might be able to win the heart of an emotionally unavailable man by doing the following.

  1. 1
    If you say you are going to do something, you better do it. Emotionally unavailable men are very judgmental and are always watching you very closely to make sure you are not lying or letting him down in some way. This is how the guarded man protects himself from being hurt and also how he expresses his emotional insecurity. Guarded men who feel lied to may drop you with no notice.
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  2. 2
    Guarded men tend to open up to women who seem sexy and dangerous. The less nurturing and maternal you seem, the more likely he is to pursue you. Guarded men are more turned on by a sexy woman who is a bit of challenge than they are by charm, loyalty or concern.
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  3. 3
    Never press him for any type of commitment. An emotionally unavailable man wants his freedom and he likes to be able to change his mind at any minute. Letting him know that you are fine with him making all of the decisions with no argument from you will make him think more kindly than you. This is not so much because he is intending to cheat on you, it is because he finds emotional relationships invasive and smothering.
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  4. 4
    Forgive him immediately for any sudden emotional outbursts or bad behavior and never nag him. The emotionally unavailable man is eternally grateful for a woman that lets him be and never tortures him with demands or accusations. Even though your requests may be simple and obvious obligations, you need to keep in mind that this relationship is not a normal one.
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Ways to Cope With an Emotionally Unavailable Guarded Man

Guarded men can leave you to spend many nights alone.


Coping with a man who has a guarded heart can be very difficult because you are always going to be second to whatever issue is preventing him from connecting with you in a normal way in the first place. Still, many women cannot help but love who they do and will promise to be devoted to someone who has very little to offer in return. If this is the case, here are some ways to cope with the lack of attention, affection and other issues that often come with love for a guarded individual.

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  1. 1
    Know immediately that this type of personality is never going to change. You will be the happiest if you decide that you are not trying to heal him or draw him out of his shell. Accepting for who he is and loving him unconditionally is your best approach to trying to make the relationship succeed.
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  • 2
    Never ever criticize him, especially in public, because a guarded man is often very sensitive to criticism from women in the first place. In fact, an abusive relationship with a mother, sibling or young girlfriend may account for a lot of his disconnected behavior.
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  • 3
    Treasure the times that he does seem open and trusting with you but realize that these moments are probably going to be few and far between during your relationship. Accept that with the good in this relationship, there is going to be a lot of evenings spent alone, wondering where he is and a lot of moments wondering what you have done wrong and if he is snubbing you.
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  • 4
    Do not expect an emotionally unavailable man to have much empathy for you. This type of personality simply lacks the capability of putting themselves in anyone else's shoes and feeling sorry for them. They withdraw from you if you have a problem, rather than help you solve it because they are afraid if they allow themselves to feel anything about anybody. They also feel that if they allow one feeling that they will open the floodgates of resentment, grief and other feelings from their past that they have not dealt with and not be able to cope with it.
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  • 5
    Be aware that many addicts and alcoholics are emotionally unavailable people that can only connect to women when they are loaded or high. If this is the case, you may need treatment for codependency, because many guarded men cannot have a conversation or make love without being totally inebriated. This leads to a situation where you think it is in the relationship's best interests for the two of you to abuse alcohol or recreational substances. In the end, this type of behavior amounts to be a temporary fix for a sexual problem and usually causes a lot of emotional friction and even more distance between you.
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  • Tips and Tricks


    • There is a fine line between loving an emotionally unavailable man and one who is abusive, so be sure to check in with yourself during the course of this relationship to make sure that his lack of reaction to you is not hurting you in some way
    • Be aware that emotionally unavailable men turn on people suddenly, without any reason and often it is not your fault and also realize, that there is nothing you can do about it.

    Questions and Answers

    I am not sure what to make of my situation this guy?

    He has stated that he likes me, but we don't get to spend a lot of time together, but we do get to hookup. But I'm trying to decide if I can really take his word when we talk. We have great chemistry and vibe. I know he keeps himself guarded, and I keep myself guarded, but on our first date, he told me I need to let my guard down, (I'm slowly doing so) He is slowly doing so, so I don't want to question his feelings in person too much but I have done it in text and gotten a response that makes me feel like his feelings are there, I've taken note of what he says in person. So I guess ultimately I want to know if I should ask for a straightforward answer, are we talking or dating or just friends with benefits?.. (Well, I could contribute the emotional distance to my current arrangements.. I am still helping my son's father who is technically homeless, his belongings are in my basement and my basement is set up like a bachelor pad, but we are not together). So when he comes over he mentions it, but then still comes around but does make it a point to let me know that it doesn't sit right with him. So that leads me to believe that once my son's father is out of my basement we would be able to progress with a relationship. or should I wait until I reach that point? . . Sorry this is all over the place. This is dealing with an ex, still in the picture and I have moved on from the previous relationship. But the gentleman dealing with his insecurities from his past. So he is slowly trying to progress, and I want to ask for clarification but because of my situation don't know if I should. I also look at it from the perspective of I understand what his living situation is and when we first met/began talking he did mention that he was tired of being lonely, so I just would like clarification on whether or not I should ask for his intentions or if I should move on. I have tried: Just being there for him, checking in daily. but I'm communicating first. And if I don't I don't hear from him. I think it was caused by: Our living situations are apart of the problem. He can not have company and my time for company is limited to the late evening.

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    Categories : Relationships

    Recent edits by: Maria Quinney, Donna

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