Help a Friend and Know the Stages of Grief
Edited by Leomar Umpad, Innocent Yogo, Lynn, Monika and 2 others
Grieving for any loss is normal, especially if it is due to a beloved one's death. People have different ways of grieving. Others are too oblivious of their feelings while others tend to keep it inside them. Nonetheless, a good friend who listens and understands can really be a big help in times of grief. However good your intentions are, you may make things worse for the bereaved if you have no idea what kind process the person has been going through. There have been many a story about heartaches, quarrels and misunderstanding when the intention of one party was to comfort the other one. We have listed below the things that one should note in order to properly console a grieving friend.
The Five Stages of Grief
Even with all the cleanest intentions in the world, you may mess up with helping out your grieving friend if you do not know of these five stages of grief. Different people take different time to cope up with each stage. Others may also skip some stage. Others may not also get the stages in order. However understanding how each stage is all about can help you handle your friend's reactions and feelings. The stages are:
- 1This is the stage where one refuses to accept the cause of grief. Some people even try to act normal as if nothing has happened. In this stage, your friend needs your understanding and honesty. Your friend does not accept the facts. The fact that his cat died, or his girlfriend broke up with him, or a family died. You should also know how to approach your friend in this stage. Is he the type who wants the cold hard truth to be slapped right in his face? Then tell him the facts softly and straight. Is he the one who keeps things to himself and doesn't want people to know how he feels. Then stay with him silently. Do not talk about the sad news, offer any kind of physical help, do not try to console or do any emotional help.Denial.
- 2This is the stage where one gets mad at some things and puts the blame on those things. This anger may be projected to himself, to other people or things. This is the blaming stage. This is the most active stage. Your friend may get physical on this stage. Your friend needs all your understanding and patience in this stage. Do not keep things worse by getting angry at him too. What you can do in this stage is to keep on open mind so as not to get emotionally offended by his acts and words ; and to keep a watchful eye to keep your friend from possible dangers and wrong decisions during this potentially dangerous stage.Anger.
- 3This is the stage where one tends to offer exchanges so as to reverse the situation. For a friend grieving for a his cat's death, he may bargain to God and ask Him to bring his cat back to life promising that he won't ever gamble again. For a friend who had just been dumped by his girlfriend, this is the stage where he calls her promising that he stops smoking if the girl gets back to her. This also means that your friend has already recognized the fact the cause of his grief is real. The only thing you can do for now is to give a good ear. Let him bargain all he want. Listen to all his deals. Do not disagree with him nor give any false hopes. Just be a friend and make him understand that you are there for him.Bargaining.
- 4When bargaining does not work, this is the stage where your friend hurts the most. His cat has died, and he cannot do anything to bring the animal back to life. His girlfriend broke up with him and an offer to quit from smoking does not sound enough for her. This is the emotional part. This is also the part where you listen and at the same time give good advice to your friend. Make sure to pick the right words depending on the situation and your friends preferences. This is also the right time to let your friend know that you still care. Since this is close to the last stage, some people who have been comforting him have already continued with their normal lives and may have less to no time with your friend. Let him know that you are still there for him by giving him a visit or call. In this stage your friend may withdraw from everyone as they sink deeper into depression. . As a friend you will need to push beyond their objections and try to get them out of the house. If the depression is deep enough your friend may temporarily become suicidal. Keep a close eye on symptoms and comments he may make during this stage. Take any comment like "I just want to kill myself" seriously.Depression.
- 5This is the stage where one has recognized the truth of the situation and has begun to accept it. Although he still is somewhat depressed, the depression starts to lift as he begins to embrace life again little by little. He still thinks about the cause of his loss but not as often. He will establish new routines in his life that will bring some normalcy and comfort. As his friend, help him find little things he enjoys and do them with him. Let him learn to allow himself to enjoy life again. Each passing day, the pain will gradually decrease and he will begin to live life again.Acceptance.
- Do not put any pressure to your friend to get past a stage. You cannot compare nor assume that similar situations should have the same period of recovery. You may have stayed in the denial stage for 2 hours when your cat died, while your friend may stay in denial for a week. Accept it. People
- Do not prevent them from crying. Do not tell him that he is strong and that he can overcome it. Let him be hurt without resistance and restraint. Pain is normal.
- During the early stages, you can let other people console your friend. These are the times when many people are still trying to help him. Give them the time to help but make sure that you let your friend feel you are there for him.
- Other people should move on with their lives after a few days or a week. This is normal for people. Some may forget to make follow-ups due to the pressures of daily life. Do not fall for this. Be the helping hand to your friend when everyone seems to have left.
- Be sure to give physical help. Consoling does not necessarily appeal to the emotions. This can also be done through helping with the house chores when your friend cannot do it, taking his pet dog to the vet when he is busy with some other things. The little things help.
- Do not expect an act of gratitude. You are helping your friend. You are not asking for his "Thank you". Do not get offended when your friend does not show gratitude for your acts of help. Helping alone should give you the sense of fulfillment.
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Eng, Monika, Lynn