Get a Man to Put More Effort Into a Relationship
Edited by Donna, Eng, prerna, Maria Quinney and 20 others
If you have been in a relationship for a number of months, or even years, you may find that your boyfriend is paying less attention to you or taking less interest in your life. He may not spend as much time with you as he used to. He may not be as well groomed for you or court you as avidly as he did when you first began your sexual relationship. You might also be experiencing sexual rejection or a lack of affection, less talk about your future together or feeling left out of events and activities that you would consider to be fun, if only you had been invited.
If your man is taking you for granted, here are several measures you can take to recapture his interest, make more time for you and "raise the relationship bar" so that he must put more effort into the relationship or risk losing you to someone else.
First, you should examine your own behavior to see how you allowed yourself to be in this disempowering situation, and how you contributed to it.
- 1 How Are You Allowing Him to Treat You Like That?
- 2 Develop A New Emotionally Mature Mental Set Point
- 3 How to Train Him to Put More Effort Into the Relationship
- 4 When All Else Fails You Need to Give Him An Ultimatum
- 5 Tips And Tricks
6 Questions and Answers
- 6.1 I am very stressed out as my boyfriend if not paying attention to our relationship?
- 6.2 My boyfriend is being a little distant?
- 6.3 Having problem in my second marriage?
- 6.4 How do I get him to commit to me?
- 6.5 I'm 11 and they say not to get caught up in boys and stuff but?
- 6.6 how do I get my boyfriend to see that the problems he has brought into this relationship are tearing us apart - he keeps fobbing all problems off?
- 6.7 I'm putting more into us than he is and I don't know how to handle it?
- 6.8 Is my boyfriend using my situation to take advantage of me?
- 6.9 How to make our relationship better?
- 6.10 My boyfriend has suddenly stopped calling me or texting me on his own and I have to make all the effort since 20 days. We have a relationship of 2 years and he has done this before but I am not sure what to do?
- 6.11 My boyfriend doesn't talk to me during day time only at night?
- 6.12 My boyfriend is addicted to gaming and puts himself first. What do I do?
- 6.13 His texts indicate that he doesn't seem to be putting in as much effort as I am?
- 6.14 In a relationship with a man still going through a divorce?
- 6.15 Should I continue to stay with my boyfriend and work things out, or does he really want to break up?
- 6.16 How to make things feel less distant after making mistakes yourself?
- 6.17 I am dating a guy who repeats habits he knows messes us up?
- 6.18 How do I get him to put in more effort and to care more?
- 6.19 My boyfriend doesn't take efforts to meet me or be affectionate or pamper me?
- 6.20 I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years and I am not a priority in his life?
- 6.21 I've been having problems with a new boyfriend and other women in our lives, he has been in habitual relationships for many years, but acts as though he would like this one to last. He has some substance abuse problems and I also sometimes will drink in excess but have stopped with an occasional back step?
- 6.22 What should I do when my husband does not include me into things?
- 6.23 OK this is an ongoing story that started 30 years ago, we met at 16?
- 6.24 He went from having money to asking for it, should I leave him?
- 7 Comments
How Are You Allowing Him to Treat You Like That?
When people take us for granted or treat us badly, it means that we are communicating some kind of subliminal message that this is okay. It is NOT okay.
Examples of disempowering behavior and actions that may tell him that it is okay for him to continue in this vein are -
- Letting yourself go physically or in any other way may cause a man to have less respect for you. They are visual creatures and tend to lose respect for people who seem to have low self-esteem and do not seem to have respect for themselves.
- Tolerating less than civil conversations, allowing your opinion and your point of view to be dismissed.
- He has sarcastic ways of communicating with you, and you don't react.
- Shrugging it off if he stands you up or breaks promises instead of confronting him, and letting him know this is not acceptable.
- Displaying jealousy of other women.
- Apologizing to him for things you have not done or said "sorry" all the time as if you were apologizing for your existence.
- Acting like a child or addressing him only in baby talk.
- Nagging him about how he spends his time or probing him about his whereabouts.
- Portraying yourself to him and others like a victim in the relationship.
- Rescuing him or making excuses for his bad behavior every time he disappoints you.
- If he is an addict or alcoholic - enabling him can have him lose all of his respect for you, even though you are technically doing what he wants you to do.
- Texting or calling him constantly in an obsessive or possessive manner
- Exhibiting or talking about a fear of abandonment, as this is what tells him it is very easy for him to control you and make the rules of the game because you will do anything necessary to keep him in the relationship.
These behaviors may make the guy believe he has you forever and that "he will never lose you no matter what." You are making agreements with him that he can treat you any way he likes and send him the message that if he does leave that he has nothing to lose.
Your goal to reverse the emotional axis of power in your relationship and make him come to you with willing and open arms and a promise of a future together rather than with the attitude that you are an option if nothing else works out. This important change begins with you and working on yourself so that he is only allowed to respond to you in ways that attend to the cultivation of the relationship.
Develop A New Emotionally Mature Mental Set Point
There is nothing sexier to a man than a woman who is emotionally mature, serene and who knows what direction she going in her life. Men love the thrill of the chase and are most attracted to a woman who does not let her options be limited by what men have to offer her. Although it is true that men love to be the rescuer, like a Prince Charming, on occasion, it is also true that they want a partner who has high self-esteem and brings something alluring and of interest to the table rather than a load of financial and emotional problems from the past.
Although it is true men do tend to be attracted to looks when it comes to finding a sexual partner, they tend to choose smart, independent women as lifelong partners and once you are in the relationship, your goal is to make him commit to cohabitation or marriage.
The deepest transformation you can make as an individual is from within, is to develop a new "emotionally mature mental set point", as this will not only change your appearance and attractiveness, but also the attitudes of those around you.
Here are some steps you can take to raise your self-esteem, establish new boundaries with your partner and develop a more emotionally mature Outlook:
- Tell yourself that no matter what happens, you will always be okay because you can always handle it with or without a man. This will communicate a message to him that you are not a needy little girl, but a self-sufficient, capable woman.
- Drop any resentments or anger that you have towards him and do not mention the past or outstanding issues when you see him, as they are minor compared to the huge issue of his commitment to your relationship. This will help you emanate an air of optimism that he will likely find attractive.
- Work on yourself instead of your relationship and address any weight or dental issues so that you are more attractive to yourself and others
- Cultivate a daily attitude that exudes confidence and self-respect by always being well groomed, nicely dressed and ready for anything. This communicates to him that you still consider yourself to be "a catch"
- Talk less about yourself and more about current events and topics that interest everyone.
- Refuse to take the bait that will start an argument. Instead, display an excellent sense of humor as this changes the rules of any power games he may be using to keep your relationship on the back burner
- Resist losing emotional control in front of him by taunting, teasing, threatening or using emotional blackmail; when upset show indifference and leave.
- Walk around like you are invincible, even if this is not true" fake it until you make it.
- Show that you are so busy with your own life that he is lucky that you have time for him". Be a bit inaccessible; this makes you seem like more of a prize.
The point of this exercise is to "put yourself first so that others will do the same." If he sees you putting yourself last then he will put you last as well.
Pay attention to your priorities and not his". Do what is best for you!
How to Train Him to Put More Effort Into the Relationship
Training a man to respect you and put more effort into the relationship is both a matter of self-discipline (training yourself not to tolerate this current damaging lazy attitude) and disciplining him (to teach him boundaries and to value you). You are in effect changing the rules of the power dynamic in the relationship, forcing him to put more work into it, and creating a situation where you will never ever find yourself in a position where you are begging for attention.
Here are the behaviors you should exhibit to train him to be appreciative of you:
- Be a bit inaccessible and not always available for a visit or a date, as this will make him feel like he is losing his "power" over you, and you take more work than he thought.
- Do not return every single text; limit your texts to him. Many men who take women for granted use cell phone communication to string them along rather than deal with them in person.
- Be cool and know when to be quiet; cultivate saying the right thing at the right time.
- Ask him to bring you home flowers and make and excuse not to see him if he doesn't.
- Demand only the best from him and that includes everything from choice of vehicle to ride into the restaurants he takes to you to " no more cheap dates at MacDonald's because you have become comfortable as a couple.
- Never shame him; show disapproval only by becoming more and more distant from him emotionally.
- Dress in lingerie and as seductively as you can when you retire together to bed at night.
- If he does something right, then praise him and reward him with affection, and if he does something wrong, make yourself unavailable without much explanation.
- Without expressing a need for him to rescue you or parent you, you can allow him to express gallantry or courtesy for you such as opening doors for you and pulling out your chair for you at dinner", which you can let him pay for.
- Refuse to engage in power struggles with him; you are too classy for that now.
- Appeal to his better side by encouraging him to volunteer in activities that better the lives of others, such as food drives and other charitable acts ". This will help you "get away from yourselves" as a couple and do something rewarding together
When All Else Fails You Need to Give Him An Ultimatum
Sometimes it's impossible to convince a man of your word unless you play the ultimate card in the power game of love, which is to simply give him an ultimatum. In essence, this ultimatum is "Either you put more effort into this relationship or I go."
This does not have to be an abrupt conversation. Actually, the best scenario you can put together for this situation is to invite him to dinner. Tell him the purpose of the dinner is to discuss your future together.
Once he is given this invitation he has the choice of either accepting or refusing the invitation. You might get a passive refusal in which he belittles the formality or dismisses the topic. He could even behave as if it is too much effort or an inappropriate thing or you do. If that is the case, tell him that the relationship is over.
If this is his response, be candid but kind. Tell him it's just not working out.
If he agrees to have this romantic dinner with you, it is a good indication of his devotion to you. If he just comes over for "the good time", and does not address the issues at hand; putting more energy and time into the relationship, then you may also decide to leave.
Once the ultimatum is given, it is your task to actually leave the relationship mentally, emotionally and in terms of your lifestyle. It is now up to him to pursue you romantically.
If it is true love, the male usually responds immediately by at least claiming that he will change his ways or put more effort in the relationship. Once he does this, it is up to you to ask that he come back with a verbal or written plan as to how he sees the development of your relationship and building of your life together playing out in the future. Some men will be so threatened by this development and the threat of losing you that they may even propose.
If he follows through on his promise to make more of an effort than you have made some progress. However, sometimes a man will just say that he will fulfill your conditions in order to keep you waiting for him on the back burner.
If this is the case, you need to walk away. This means:
- No cell phone contact.
- No texting or emails.
- No socializing with your mutual friends.
- No lurking on social media to see what he is up to.
- No planning on running into him 'accidentally' on purpose.
The point of this is to force your boyfriend to act, and if he doesn't rise to the occasion, then it might be time to end the relationship anyway
Tips And Tricks
- If he pays for your cell phone or any other bills, be sure to show him you are serious by setting up and paying for your own accounts. This shows that you mean to cut ties with him completely unless his behavior changes.
- If he has an addiction problem then it may be difficult for you not to excuse his behavior, but the bottom line is that he is emotionally unavailable to you and unable to proceed until he is drug-free or sober for at least a couple of years.
- Treat the ultimatum dinner like an audition, where you are looking at him clearly and with a pragmatic, practical eye as to whether or not this person is suitable to play the role of husband with you in the future.
Questions and Answers
I am very stressed out as my boyfriend if not paying attention to our relationship?
I don't feel loved. He doesn't have time for me. I just feel I am at the bottom of his life list. I think it was caused by: Maybe I am fatty or he is confused or he doesn't want to be with me
He may not know how to show his love in a way that you will feel it. If you have regular daily contact with him then stop stressing and make an extra effort to show him, love. It can get lonely to feel that you are not a priority but instead of complaining to him, shower him with love and attention. If after a few weeks he is still not opening up the way you would like, then move on.
Do not downgrade yourself with your physical appearance. He is with you for a reason and if you feel unattractive that will be portrayed to him negatively. We all have our days where we doubt our outward appearance but make the effort to feel attractive because 75% or more of "pretty" is a person's attitude and demeanor. If you do not feel attractive he will subconsciously begin to pick up on that.
See more questions like this: 3 years in and something feels wrong. How do I get his attention?
My boyfriend is being a little distant?
We haven't been dating long (my version of long is like a year) and he's starting to act differently from the beginning of our relationship. By different, I mean not calling me as much as we used to. Still the same personality, I just feel like I'm putting in all the work. I feel like I'm being clingy, what do I do?. I have tried: Starting the conversation with something he can obviously answer to. Also, planning dates. I think it was caused by: I have to say this but I hope it isn't true- my clingy mood? Me calling him and then texting him something to start a conversation if he doesn't answer?
This may be how he acts when he feels secure in a relationship. Since you are worried about coming across as clingy, start making plans with your friends. Take up a hobby that you are interested in or read a good book series. Do whatever it takes to give him some space. Relationships often settle this way where one person is doing all the communication while the other seems to not care. He might start to notice that you are texting or calling him less and realize that he has gotten too secure.
Having problem in my second marriage?
Hey, I am having problems in my second marriage. My husband does not pay attention to me and always listens to his mother. He promises me to take me out and then forgets the other day. He has kept my calls blocked on his cell phone. I don't feel comfortable with his behavior but do not want to end this relation also. I am always crying and begging for his love but he is not acting the way he should. I am getting ill because of this and feeling very low. I am married in a place where I have no friends to roam about too. Tell me the solution, please. However, internally I know he does love me. I have tried: I have tried being silent for a day. It worked out but again temporary effect. I have also tried ignoring him and getting back to my home but it again didn't last for many days. I have tried loving him very much and being according to him, but instead, he has taken me for granted. I think it was caused by: Maybe my irritating habits of forcing him to love me. He does not like my company, he does not like to take me out and I continuously force him and ask him to do so. He does not like my calls but I kept calling him like a fool and I guess 40 or 50 times a day because I feel like my life is just roaming around him only. If he is fine with me, then I am Okay and if he is not good, then I feel like everything is gone.
Maybe it is time for you to go home for a longer period of time. Reconnect with your family and friends which will help you feel less lonely. It is hard to feel isolated and understandable why you would seek him out continually because he is the only person you feel connected to. Start joining some social groups like a book club or women's club. Check Meet Up to see if there are others in your area interested in the same hobbies. Once you make friends where you live, it will help your relationship. Right now your husband probably feels emotionally overwhelmed and needs some space so give it to him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
How do I get him to commit to me?
I've been dating a man for a few months now. He is quite elusive at times, doesn't really make plans but says he is so excited about us. I want a committed healthy relationship and that is my end goal. I feel like a hamster in a wheel the way we are going. I have tried: Pulling back, not being so attentive since there really isn't any commitment yet .. I think it was caused by: Sex too soon
It has only been a few months. Many relationships are not full commitments until at least 6 months of casual dating. Stop putting labels on your time with him and instead enjoy him when you can hang out together. If it is meant to be then you will easily slip into a committed relationship. You can force someone to commit to you, it has to come naturally.
I'm 11 and they say not to get caught up in boys and stuff but?
His name is Chris we've been going out for a year since April 16, 2015, and he says he loves me but he doesn't say it as often. I have to start conversations now, but he's in middle school now so I guess he's changed. I don't know how to tell him so I sent him this article but he says it's my fault because I said I love my best friend (which is a boy) I feel like in all my past relationships I have put the most effort in! what can I do to change that?
You are 11. Seriously be 11 and take this time to enjoy your friends. Even though you think you understand love, the reality is that you have no concept yet of what that involves. This is natural to an 11-year-old. Even a 20-year-old is still learning about relationships. These experiences as a child/teen/young adult help develop you for a real serious relationship as an adult. Oh and you are putting all the effort into a relationship at 11 because boys are not ready for any form of commitment at this age. Take a page from them and enjoy your freedom and time as a young girl. You are too young to be upset about a boy!
how do I get my boyfriend to see that the problems he has brought into this relationship are tearing us apart - he keeps fobbing all problems off?
together 10years on and off. Every time we broke up he got a one night stand pregnant. 3 times. I stupidly gave him another chance but the past 2 kids he ignored the problem until the girl message me and me and her sorted maintenance out. Now the 3rd girl has given birth and clearly I am upset ....(I miscarried his baby 6 years ago) I got upset and now he is mad at me? For getting upset? that is life and now we are arguing - see he is nice as pie to the one-night standers ..I understand that cause there is a baby involved (he just wants to pay and have no relationship with the kid) but he is mean to me? When I'm the one standing by him. Why?. I have tried: talking. Fighting, crying. Trying to make him see that he is treating me nasty. Try to be calm, but he doesn't see this as my business or see why I am upset. I think it was caused by: he only thinks of himself (turning back on 3 kids, treating me like crap. For 10 years I have tried to get him to save. He won't. He broke 3 days after payday so with 3 kids to pay for any of our future kids will go without cause their dad is broke 1st off and then having to pay for 3 kids.
While you have spent 10 years with this person, you will never be happy. This is a hard thing to accept but you are with a guy that wants no relationship/involvement with three children he fathered with three separate women. RUN! It is time to break up for good. He will never change his ways and you need to stop putting all your energy into making him change. Instead, find someone who will love and honor you properly. Sometimes a relationship becomes toxic yet we refuse to give up when we should. You should. If for no other reasons than he treats you badly and can't form an emotional connection to a child that he helped to create. These are major character flaws. Basically, you are his "fall back" plan with a paycheck and nothing more. I know that hurts but if you leave now you will save yourself and any future children some emotional pain in the long run.
I'm putting more into us than he is and I don't know how to handle it?
He likes me and says he doesn't want anything serious but takes me out on dates and texts me every day. I'm very confused about what he actually wants from me and I'm too scared to ask.
Just go with the flow. It sounds like he is confused yet wants to be with you so for now, you will have to just accept that if you want to continue things with him. He is making an effort to take you out and communicate daily with you and these are good signs that he is definitely interested in you. Do not ruin this by insisting on putting labels before he is ready to.
Is my boyfriend using my situation to take advantage of me?
Hi, I am 30 years. My situation currently is that I am married, but it's being 4 months living in separate with my husband, and I am in consideration of divorce because I couldn't handle the loveless partner. I am very matured emotionally and, independent, currently, I have a boyfriend, very loving person, matured, he knows how to get me all the times, and I love him. My problem is that I am the only person who makes the effort in this relationship, I call, I initiate the plans, where to go, what to do, I text. Now I am tired because it is like he is using my situation to take advantage of me, or he is just turning me to need. I have tried: I once spoke to him about his position in this relationship. I think it was caused by: According to what I observe, he is a guy who used to be in relationship with old people who are so desperate than him, so they used to think for him and do everything for him
You are still married. Perhaps he is not putting any effort in because he is emotionally hesitant of getting hurt. You should also consider that he might just be a rebound that you are in the relationship too fast after ending your marriage. Many people make that mistake where they immediately begin looking to fill the void of a lost marriage only to realize that they are not getting what they wanted. Stop making so much of an effort with him and see if he changes. You might have to be direct with him and let him know that you would like a future with him but not with you making all the plans. Maybe you call a pause and work on yourself for some time. Make sure that you are not confusing companionship and attention with love. It is easy to make that mistake, especially after the failure of a previous lonely relationship.
How to make our relationship better?
We stay really close to each other yet he does not even come by. At school during the break he does not even come to me when we are together, we don't talk much, and we don't even go on dates or anything, he does not even make any effort to have a fun relationship. He believes rumors and constantly gets jealous ... I have tried: I have tried to go to him during the break and talk to him, I've tried making dates but he just does not do any effort. I think it was caused by: He heard rumors about me and another guy but we cleared it up. He does not want to spend time with me!
Stop making plans with him. This way you can see if he is even interested in dating you. Even though you cleared the air with his jealous behavior, he may be feeling less close to you now because of it. Hopefully, not interacting with him will cause him to miss you but be prepared if you realize that the relationship has drifted apart.
My boyfriend has suddenly stopped calling me or texting me on his own and I have to make all the effort since 20 days. We have a relationship of 2 years and he has done this before but I am not sure what to do?
My boyfriend has stopped calling me or texting me on his own suddenly and I have to make all the effort since 20 days. we have a relationship of 2 years and he has done this before but I am not sure what to do. We recently had a fight due to this and we broke up but after 3 days I called him and settled things. The situation though has changed we are in a long distance relationship since 20 days and he is busy due to his working in the office and the other important stuff. He replies me quickly though and is soft spoken to me too. Are these only my insecurities or is there something wrong in our relationship? He has not called me even once when I call him he cuts the phone and will call me back as he always does. Please advise me what to do? I am in a long distance relationship now. A few days back we were in the same city and now we are having complications. I have tried: Calling him, texting him, and obviously confronting him 2-3 times on the same topic. I think it was caused by: Me overloading him with texts. I do not call that much. I have a high esteem I do not call him so much even I do not nag sometimes he gets on my nerves, though. I text him he text me this is what is happening. I want him to message me first or call me first. I have stopped feeling wanted in his life. He, on the other hand, does not respond like he does not care for me or love me. He has stopped showing it, though.
You are in a transition phase of the relationship. It is hard to suddenly have physical distance thrust into a relationship. Compile that with his new job duties and it is normal to feel insecure. You were able to patch up the relationship so tread lightly for now. Make a point to only text him a couple of times a day. Do not mention that you have not heard back from him. Send him supportive messages regarding how proud you are of him advancing his career instead of messages that will make him feel bad for his career decision to move. Make plans for you to spend time with him on a weekend trip or look into relocating to where he is. For you to feel comfortable and appreciated you may need to be in a relationship where you see the other person daily.
The fact that your circumstances have changed requires a conversation with your guy that reevaluates and confirms the status of your relationship. If he is not responding to your attempt to communicate with him then this is your cue to end it by sending him a message that clearly states that he is not putting enough effort into the relationship and that you intend to find someone who will take the time to value your feelings about them. If he does not respond to that then you can assume that the relationship is over and move on.
My boyfriend doesn't talk to me during day time only at night?
My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years then we broke up due to family issues then after a year he came back apologizing, everything was great, he values me, pampered me, loved me... He is not committed as we have family issues but I can wait for it. Now problem is he don't give me time he don't contact me full day now at night directly he calls then gives reasons I was here there etc I tried telling him all this but he just said nothing like that I've not lost interest in you but I really don't feel good for all this how to bring him back like before and make him talk to me want me. He gives reasons and says there is nothing like that I'm not ignoring you and says I'm over thinking nothing else. I have tried: I've tried to love him more to tell him more just texting him showering him with love always. I think it was caused by: I don't know really many say more love than needed I've given
He says he is busy and you are just going to have to trust him or move on. The good news is that he does make time to call you at night which means that he is thinking about you. Take that to heart as a sign that he does still love you and want you in his life.
If your boyfriend is not contacting you during the day because he has a job that keeps him occupied or limits texting or phone calls then don't have any expectations that he should contact you during the day. If the family issues that broke you up in the first place have to do with the fact that he is already married or has children with another woman, then it is time to admit that he is already putting as much effort as he is willing to into the relationship and that your choice is to either be happy with that and settle for less or leave.
My boyfriend is addicted to gaming and puts himself first. What do I do?
I love my boyfriend. We have been together for 10monts now. During our time together we have had a few arguments over him constantly wanting to game. I have tried distancing myself to only seeing him once a week and it wasn't a surprise to me at all when he blatantly said to me that he loved it having space and time to himself to play (though it was soul-crushing to hear this). I have given him an ultimatum and we came to an agreement where I would get to spend time with him every second day but only after he spends 2hours on the computer. After I finish cooking dinner or doing what I need to do in that time I am exhausted and want to sleep. So basically I get about 15minutes with him. It's not his fault I work until 7 pm but I just feel like he couldn't care less if I'm there or not. I know he loves me, I just want him to put more effort in. Make me feel like I am important and he values my time. I'd love for him to pick up the phone and call me just to see how my day was or say 'hey I'm not going to game tonight let's spend some time together'. Or am I just being whiny or crazy? I'm in a very loving relationship but I'm spending it talking to someone glued to a screen. I have tried: I have tried -distancing -rewarding good behavior with affection -talking about what's not working for me -agreements and compromise -letting go of past arguments (no grudges). I think it was caused by: The problem has always been there I guess. Yes, I allowed him to play from the start. He never really has gone out of his way to put me first. If we have had an argument over it before he messages me the next day saying 'come over I miss you too much I'm sorry' But my point is why should I have to come to him? He has a vehicle and I only live around the corner he should come to see me. It's like he wants me to just be there but not have to put in an effort. Am I supposed to just accept that this is going to be my life?!.. watching him play and being second.
It is time to recognize that he has trained you to somehow defer to him by making you put all of your effort into the relationship. You do this because in the past he has offered romance, affection and promises every time you have humored him. He has now down what dog trainers do, which is to offer the reward at first and then not offer it all. You will always return to him again and again, hoping to regain the affection, time and attention that you once experienced and thought would be a pattern that would last forever. It is now little or no payoff for you in continuing like this, which gives you no choice but to flip the tables, walk away and make yourself unavailable to him. If you walk away from the relationship, and do so without warning, explanation or being dramatic about it, he should, if he cares, come to see what the big mystery is all about. If he does not contact you after you have disappeared from his life, then that is more than a sign that it is time to leave him to his fantasies and games and move forward without him in life. If you are actually missed by this person, then you will have created a point of crisis, which will force him to talk about the relationship. However, do not get too optimistic that this particular guy will actually put more effort into your relationship or chase you once you leave. His lack of respect and love for you is self-evident.
His texts indicate that he doesn't seem to be putting in as much effort as I am?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three months. At the beginning, everything was like a fairytale- I've heard that this can be called the "honeymoon period". We got on together so well and never fought (only playful debates because we're both pretty opinionated- nothing was ever taken to heart, though). Now when we have these playful discussions, however, we both seem to get frustrated even if our opinions are based off complete subjectivity. All his replies have seemed quite bland in the last week, and I'm not sure if he's just busy or preoccupied... or if he's holding something in the back of his mind (that I think he should tell me about). I've asked him in the past to tell me whenever there has been something up, and he has, and I should trust him with this but... I'm not sure what to do because I don't want to doubt his trust by not asking him, but I don't want to let this continue. This situation is different because it is focused more on texting- my boyfriend and I are fine when we're together. We have fun and enjoy ourselves. But when I can't be with him, and I HAVE to text him... things have just gotten weird. I need some advice on how to deal with his bland texts. I have tried: So far I have tried to reply to my own bland texts in an attempt to seem less needy and more distant, so he feels that he needs to put in more effort (which hasn't worked- the blandness continues). I've also tried the opposite; showing him, even more affection than I used to, but still nothing has changed. I think it was caused by: I'm not sure what caused this problem, but I do know that something similar happened in my last relationship. Maybe it was because I was too clingy?
If texting starts to become your only way of interacting with him then you are not really in a relationship with him. If you feel that having conversations by text is somehow harming the relationship or upsetting you, then don't introduce hot topics or important discussions into your conversations. Simply say to him," I have something that I would like to talk to you the next time I see you in person. Which reminds me, when are you coming over?" If he brings up a topic or starts a conversation with you, that you know will just be a lot of vague responses, tell him that you are busy and will talk to him in person, when he next sees you. This should inspire him to see you more often and it may even please him because many men do not enjoy texting or phone calling as much as women do. If he is not responding to invitations to see you and giving you vague responses by text then he is demonstrating a very negative attitude towards the relationship. You should not reward this behavior by pursuing him more as you are giving him the message that you are fine with less than respectful treatment. Responding to similar bland texts to his own is not a great tactic as it is caused mirroring. Mirroring another's behavior is a recognizable game of control, and it may only infuriate him. Simply stop texting him and only respond to his texts. Do not let him draw you into a long conversation and tell him when you are available if he would like to see you. The message to him is that you have some self-respect and that you will not be available to him to participate in an online power struggle or exercise in exasperation.
In a relationship with a man still going through a divorce?
We both fell in love. He swept me off my feet and everything was absolutely perfect except for the fact he was going through a divorce. The divorce was made clear to me that it was well on its when we met however over a year later it is still in process. I have never felt so ungrounded and like a third wheel. I have put so much into this (everything). We are both in the same fields of interest career wise and have talked about from the beginning creating projects together (filmmakers). Things have gone much slower than I was giving the impression of and yet there is no sense of a plan for us which is now what I fight for. Everything is always delayed with his divorce but since it's complicated financially and he has kids I guess I have to be even. more understanding and patience. It has just left me with so much uncertainty and insecurity to the relationship I'm investing in. We fight a lot and he often goes radio silent. I become fire he becomes detached. I no longer know if he loves me because of the lack of priority he gives me. Not sure if I will always feel like I have to fight for attention or if this is just the beginning stages since he has teenagers and they take priority. There are only a few of his friends that know about me but I guess I understand because he is still in the process of a divorce? I don't know anymore if he is dragging this out because of our fighting or if he is fluctuating or if I'm not being patient enough or if he is being disrespectful. I can't help but have resentment from the expectations I had going into this relationship and now I have invested so much and he is not putting me first anymore it makes it very heartbreaking. I would just love to know what step to take and how to handle this. I'm in a relationship with a man going through a divorce. I have tried: I've tried couples counseling, trying to be more patient and giving and loving. I think it was caused by: The fact he still going through his divorce and there is no real plan for us is a problem. He really doesn't put much into our relationship and future plans.
Change rarely comes easily or quickly when it comes to big life changes, such as divorce, especially if there are financial entanglements and children in the picture. The transitions that take place emotionally and financially often take two to five years to straighten out completely, no matter what promises were made to a new partner in the beginning. If he has gone to couples counseling with you, it means that he has already put a great deal of effort into the relationship, and if he has detached after that, it might very well mean that the result of that therapy is that he has decided to slowly detach from the relationship. At this point, it might be a good idea to invite him back into couple's therapy and in that safe environment where he cannot cut you off. you can determine, along with your counselor, whether or not he has the capacity to make a plan that is solid enough to keep you in the relationship. It would also be of some value to investigate whether or not he is actually getting divorced or just telling you this to keep you working with him in the film.
Should I continue to stay with my boyfriend and work things out, or does he really want to break up?
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for four years and five months, at the beginning of our relationship things were really Rocky shaky because he had a female best friend and anytime she showed up he would pop up and be gone and it was a problem because he didn't know when to come back home or any of that I wouldn't see him for a week or two then he would come back home then I end up losing our apartment and we moved in with his mom when I got pregnant last year and he stopped seeing his friend and hanging out and everything was going great my whole pregnancy after I had our daughter May 9th 2016 two and a half months after she was born he just started hanging out with an old friend and it was more and more each week come to find out he was lying the whole time and he was hanging back out with his female friend staying the night over there and then coming home just at work and then coming home just at work going over there after work and just not coming home he does not know when enough is enough he doesn't spend any time with me and now he's griping at me because I don't have a job I don't think I should be disrespected and treated and hurt like this just because I don't have a job yet I've been looking but he wants everything right now right now and now he's telling me that he's at a Crossroads in his life every time I bring up the problems in our relationship and how he is always over at his friends his female friends and doesn't spend any time with me and his daughter it's not fair to us to sit here and wait around on him all the time he just let you live this single man's life but has mean his daughter at home he wants his cake and eat it too type of thing and it's not right and we've talked about it and he swears he wants things to work because he doesn't want he doesn't know if he wants to let me go but he doesn't know what he wants to do that he's at a Crossroads in his life he just wants me to get a job and help him so that we can get out of his mom's house which is understandable but I don't deserve the treatment that I get and then for him to turn around and want and expect other things for me I'm confused and I'm hurt because I feel like I would just like our relationship to get back to where it was while I was pregnant and right after we had our daughter because I felt he loved me I knew it and I don't have that feeling anymore and it's hurtful and it's just taking everything from me an I'm confused and I'm hurt because I feel like he has lost his love for me and doesn't care because he knows what going over to his female friends house does to me and still continues to do it and won't stop and I don't understand and I just want him to either love me or let me I would just things to go back to the way they were when I felt his love when I was pregnant before I had our daughter out right after I had her daughter why was in the hospital I knew he loved and cared for me and I don't feel that way anymore and I've been dealing with it for 8 months and he has always some excuse but he won't let me go he told me that he would do anything to make this better but first he wants me to get a job and to let him know that I'm serious my thing is is that he should already love me I shouldn't have to ask for that it should come natural and if he wants me to sit with him then he should care and love me and not be so absent in our relationship. Is my relationship savable? does he really love me? why is he acting the way he's acting and being so absent in our relationship? And if he is serious about being in this relationship why doesn't he active because he could tell me he loves me but his actions speak louder than his words? I try to give a bull 102 our relationship too much because I think of him in the kids before myself and I understand living with his mom it's stressful because we both want to be out on her own but he has to help me with our daughter for me to be able to do that is I take care of her he works he wants me to work but he doesn't want help me with her that's not then why is he constantly lying to me he's making me not trust anything he says or does will tell me he's going to get gas or going to go buy a pack of cigarettes and I won't see him for then why is he constantly lying to me he's making me not trust anything he says or does will tell me he's going to get gas or going to go buy a pack of cigarettes and I won't see him for eight hours. I have tried: When he's gone I give him his space and time but after three or four hours go by I start texting you getting mad I try to be a good girlfriend and do what I can to help him to make his life easier because he works I'm home so I'll just so I lay out of clothes I washed clothes and calls he needs I do a whole bunch of little things that to show him I care and I love him. I think it was caused by: I don't know I'm not sure because he tells me that really it's not me it's him you just at a Crossroads in his life and needs to figure things out but I don't understand what's so hard about that and why he's being so distant and not showing that he cares or loves me because my thinking is he wouldn't disrespect or take advantage of me if you cared because he knows how going over to his female friends house makes me but doesn't care and is it anyways and it would be so bad if it was only gone for a few hours instead of 8 9 hours all night long when I stay home all the time and I never leave I'm always with her daughter and I don't a mom and a wife or girlfriend
No matter what he says, if he was really serious about being a parent and partner to you, this female friend contact would be at a minimum. You need to tell him that his crossroads excuse is not accurate. That he lost his chance for any crossroads the day that your daughter was born. While you need to find a job, he should be understood that now you have childcare costs to consider and a schedule that has to coincide with caring for an infant. Women do this all the time but there is often a bit of reconfiguration while the infant is still under one year of age.
Tell him that you are at your own crossroads. Either he stands up and becomes the man and father that is needed for a family or he decides to still hang like a teenager with sleepovers at his friend's house. His youth days are now behind him and he needs to become an adult. If he chooses not to, then you should consider moving out on your own. It is not fair for your daughter to grow up in this chaos. Imagine her as she ages, thinking that this is normal behavior in regards to how a man treats a woman.
How to make things feel less distant after making mistakes yourself?
Things have always felt on and off with the man I care about. He says he struggles with indecision towards everything in life, especially with relationships, and lately also struggling with depression telling himself he can't do anything. There was a time he told me he was taking a leap and tried really hard towards me, but even then still held back, saying he felt like he was getting there (with love) but that he was just lying to himself about that and was already there, but still never has said "I love you" or even the word love. Admittedly I became extremely needy for months because of a lot of tragic events happening in my life and I feel like this ruined a lot because my behavior was always pretty extreme. He was there for me for a while but then I felt he was cutting me out of projects we'd work on together and he became very distant and was having a hard time with his depression that he wasn't open about until recently. So it just made me freak out with what it could be and try to figure out with huge messages or apologize for everything. This created, even more, distance and lately, he'll only talk to me in public settings and text me very late at night while seeming distracted or distant and not saying anything affectionate. I feel like I need to somehow mend and build things back up like maybe avoiding serious talks for a while without asking for things and just trying to be fun, but at the same time, I really hate how distant things are now. Any advice on what could help in this situation?
When you are in a relationship with someone who battles depression, this can be difficult and one sided on feelings of intimacy and love. Depression can have a person devoid of all emotional feelings of comfort such as love and contentment. If he is not seeking treatment for his depression, intercede for him to seek help so that your relationship has a chance. There may be some resistance from him. If there is then may a plea that you love him and want the both of you to be happy. This may mean that you leave the relationship if he is unwilling to get help for his depression.
I am dating a guy who repeats habits he knows messes us up?
Hey. I have been in a relationship with my guy for about 3 years now. In these 3 years together it's been amazing but at the same time I'm starting to question whether to get out of it or stay one last time... saddest part is I've found myself at this crossroads a little too often for my liking and sanity. He continuously tells lies small or big repeatedly and every time I confront this as it comes out to me all the time I get the same BS that he will never do it again yet a week a month or so later I find myself in the same position with him. I don't know what to do I have also made the mistake of often threatening to leave him whereby I assume he has somewhat become immune to it now that he doesn't care..but when something big comes up that I have found out about that he hid from me and call it quits he is so persistent on coming back into my life all the time the minute he knows it could be for real and this is always when it involves me finding out something he has hidden from me regarding females. This is the only time he knows the possibility of me leaving is for real. I'm really tired of this. I love him deeply I really do and also feel like I haven't been dealing with these things correctly since it happened... I was always controlling and always negative and very emotional regarding him because the things he would do would get to me deeply. ID like know what I can do for this last run I've decided to try I essentially want his entire perception changed of me to know that I will leave if he does not fulfill his duties as an honest man in our relationship I need to somehow change the way I have been dealing with him and issues for him to acknowledge that he is not my be all and end all. Please help. I am in a relationship where I feel I lost my power totally as a woman who loved so hard it has become to my own detriment. I no longer know how to decipher what is right to do in a situation where I am always being hurt by the same things he keeps repeating the same things over and over to me and I'm tired I am depressed I am lost I no longer know how to either get out for good or to change up the game to see a change in him for the greater of us as a couple of there is a future.
Someone that is a habitual liar will not change. That means that you will never be able to fully trust him. Trust is essential for a relationship to survive. Adding to that, you also suspect that other women are involved in his life. Lying while trying to cover something up snowballs into bigger lies and then into even more lies. All this hiding he is doing and games he is playing with you, these are not a foundation for a strong relationship. If you are unable to come to terms with getting out of the relationship for good, perhaps suggest a pause of some sort. Do not make a decision for 30 days regarding the relationship. You can have one date night after two weeks but do not discuss staying together or not. Instead, try to attempt to reconnect like you did in the beginning.
How do I get him to put in more effort and to care more?
So, I have been talking to this guy since the start of December 2016, we started going on dates in January of 2017. He is 19 and I am 20. At the beginning of seeing each other, it was usually him to text me first and arrange plans to meet with me. We go to school together and he would always ask to meet me at school to hang out. It all changed when he went back home for a week during the reading week. Over that break, we texted a bit, but he would go days without responding and it was kind of weird. I immediately felt a bad vibe and anxiety because of it. I asked if everything was okay between us and he said everything was fine. Now we have been back from break, for almost 2 weeks and he feels so distant with me when we talk through messages, sometimes not replying for hours, even though I can see he's on social media. I don't know if he means to do this on purpose. I have been the very opposite of clingy and needy and that's not my personality at all. I give him space and I don't suffocate him, let alone anyone else in my life. But nowadays, I find that I am the one initiating seeing him at school and outside of school. This bothers me, because I feel like I am putting in more effort than him and it leaves me confused and emotionally drained. In person when we do see each other, he is the sweetest and I would have never thought anything was off. But when we separate, it takes quite a while to hear from him and it gives me mixed signals. How do I get him to put in more effort? I'm honestly exhausted and am seeking any help. I feel like this situation is different because he is not my boyfriend yet and will kiss me in person but act differently the very next day.
You want more than he is willing or wanting to give you. This happens a lot. Since you are not his girlfriend, he has you in a friend with benefits zone. He also may have someone back home that he has not told you about. This would explain his distance because he has feelings of guilt. Either way, you need to stop chasing him around. If he contacts you, then don't change any of your plans to hang out with him. Start meeting other guys if you are interested in a more serious relationship. Don't wait around for this guy to text you.
My boyfriend doesn't take efforts to meet me or be affectionate or pamper me?
My Boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the last 8 months. Initially, it was fine, we used to meet once a month and text each other regularly. In the last 5-6 months, he makes no effort to meet me when I go back to the city. He's always busy handling the family business or he's too busy to drive down (He moved back to his original hometown after I moved to the new city. The old city and his hometown are 2 hours away). He does call me regularly but he's rarely affectionate. He only shows interest in things he likes talking about and dismisses my opinions regularly. I don't really know why he has changed so much. I have put in all efforts possible but I really don't know how much more can I put in. It's a sudden change of behavior in a long distance i.e this wasn't the case from the onset. besides, I am a student and he's working and I feel certain explanations could stem from this reason. I have tried: I call every day, I have gone to his hometown to meet him, I spend 150$ traveling every month to see him when he used to live in the old city, I try accommodating his schedule to mine and I try to cover up my disappointment as often as I can. I think it was caused by: He is close to a cousin who was cheated on by his wife, His city is a small city where relationships are not very common, he is egotistical and angry, he has joined the family business after quitting his job in the old city, he is lazy, maybe he his comfortable but not in love with me
Long distance relationships fizzle out in under a year that was not meant to be. Dating is hard enough and when you add travel/work schedules into your routine, it gets old. It seems that he is putting all his focus on the family business. You can't really blame him for this because he is probably under enormous pressure to succeed in his new position. Focus on your studies since you are still in school. This is someone who does not value your opinions so why would you want to continue a further relationship with him? The right person for you may not always agree with you but they will not dismiss you altogether.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years and I am not a priority in his life?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and I feel like I am an option to him as opposed to a priority. He doesn't go out of his way to see me and even though we don't spend a lot of time together, he still chooses to see other people over me. I feel that there is nothing more I can do. Whenever I've initiated a conversation about this he accuses me of trying to cause arguments and says that I'm the one creating problems. It seems like a waste to throw away a relationship where we equally have great times - but I'm tired of being second best. We are young and have never dated anyone else. I'm becoming emotionally drained. It upsets me that when I ask to see him he says he can't for some or other reason, yet will go out with friends instead. When we have argued over this he does eventually apologize, but this doesn't feel good enough anymore. I want him to realize that when you're in a relationship you have to consider the other person, and you should want to as well! I feel that the relationship is at a stand still and I hate feeling like I'm the one in the wrong when I try to voice this. I have tried: Discussing, arguing, distancing myself. He doesn't like to discuss issues. I think it was caused by: Complacency. Over the years we've had problems but been able to move forward from then. Gradually I started becoming less and less of a priority but let things slide as I didn't want to end the relationship. It's now got to the point where he thinks I'm almost trying to ruin his fun and dictate what he does!
This is what can happen when you start a relationship before you are an adult. There are growing pains in these relationships. Then there is the guilt of tossing aside a relationship that you spent so much time on. The tug and pull of what to do is horrendous. The reality though is that you have both went in separate directions on your wants and needs for a relationship. He may change but you are on a track of a bitter break up since he is beginning to blame you for stalling out his fun.
I've been having problems with a new boyfriend and other women in our lives, he has been in habitual relationships for many years, but acts as though he would like this one to last. He has some substance abuse problems and I also sometimes will drink in excess but have stopped with an occasional back step?
He has huge financial problems, physical problems and lives with his alcoholic mother. He recently has a new Facebook account established in the past year and we have been together for the last 7 months. He has women contacting him or he contacting them to catch up and say hello. When we first got together an ex boyfriend was pursuing me pretty heavily and it made him uncomfortable so I ceased communication explaining how I now have a boyfriend I care for deeply. On the other hand he does not do this because he explains he is not pursuing them nor are the pursuing him. I'm just confused about the relationship and how to carry on without him or jumping at the opportunity to see him when he is aloof with me. He most recently came in contact with his very last ex girlfriend and doesn't tell me they have communicated only I see they are now friends on Facebook. I wonder if I should ask him how she is or what is going on with her since he has become so distant. She live in NY and we are in the west. I don't think he would like me speaking to my ex. and don't know if he is not telling me to avoid another Facebook fight. What to do?
There are two essential things that you need to recognize about this relationship and both of these matters are beyond fixing or have anything to do with romance. First of all, there is nothing about this description that demonstrates that he is acting like he wants it to last. All the behaviors that you describe are the behaviors of a liar, cheater and someone who is stringing you along (possibly because he does not want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth.) Second, of all, addicts who are actively using are not capable of having a relationship with anyone, and it is because he is sick. It is important for you to realize that you are powerless over his disease and behavior and accept that you can't trust him, whether he is cheating or not. The only way to get an addict to pay more attention to you is to offer him what he loves most, which is alcohol. However, if you do that, you will be demonstrating selfish, unloving behavior by feeding his addiction for the sake of getting his approval or attention. Instead of focusing on what he is doing on Facebook, you are best to accept that he does not wish you well, is cruel and emotionally unavailable. Your next step is to block his profile and him so that you are not distracted while you look for a partner who is willing to put some real effort into their relationship with you.
What should I do when my husband does not include me into things?
Good day. I am so so not knowing how to confront or speak to my husband about this thing, fearing that what I might say might hurt him or something. I am married with 2 kids and my husband does plan things about our necessities especially food alone without me. He is working, I am also working, but I am the only one who buys myself clothes and the kids, he never buys us anything unless I ask him too, and it feels like I push him to do things. The only thing he is bale to do is to buy food, pay rent, buys the young one diapers and his food and pay the older one school fees. He never buys us clothes or household equipment unless I ask him too, and when I do ask he acts like I am forcing him to do things. How do I sit down and talk to him about our future because I am not happy at all. My situation is different because I am not good at talking when something bothers me, so I tend to take it out when we fight with my husband and I want to be civil and do things right in our marriage. I have tried: I tried to ask him that we open an investment account for us to be able to afford things we need. I tried to buy myself and the kids clothes when he seems not happy when asked to, but its weighing too much on me now cause I have needs as a wife. I can not always do things for myself when he is around to do them for me. I think it was caused by: Him not good to communicate with me even when I try to. Him managing his finances alone
This is typical, sexist, controlling behavior and there may not be much you can do about it if he is already dismissing you when you try to have any conversation with him. Go to a lawyer or a mediator and draw up an agreement and proposal for joint management of your finances. If he doesn't sign it or do it, follow up with divorce papers. Then take the kids, leave and sue him for child support, the car and the home. That way you can save for the future and avoid any more of the "silent treatment" which is abusive, controlling and hurtful to you and your children, as well as setting a bad example for them.
OK this is an ongoing story that started 30 years ago, we met at 16?
Recently he showed back up in my life, as he had in the past. Our history is that we cannot for whatever reason get over each other. We have gone our separate ways, gotten married to other people, divorced them and have been back to each other. My question is this: he recently showed back up like I said, he told me that he is tired of this back and forth and wants it to end and wants us to start over and be together. He is always thinking about me yet after just having said that he still is distant. He seems more unguarded when he's been drinking and lets his feelings out. When he's sober he's distant... he'll answer texts but hasn't initiated. I am now frustrated by this we aren't getting any younger as even he has said so how do I just say listen I am tired of this crap too, I care about you and would love to see where or if we could make something work but I can't do it by myself. You come to me. I do not bother you nor do I seek you out. And you have made it clear that you wanted that and now you're acting differently or indifferent rather. As much as I care I can't keep doing this. You were concerned, I had someone else in my life so why would you put me on hold this way? I think part of his issue is that he doesn't think he's good enough -he has mentioned as much in the past and that he is afraid of disappointing me. At this point, I just can't keep romanticizing this thing because it has been ongoing for a long time with no progression. He is sensitive and he, I don't believe, is out to hurt me. Could it be that he just likes that I have these feelings for him and have been out in the open with them? I mean to him. Not on any social media or anything. Do I put my foot down now or give him time? More time. It is different because this is something that has been going on for a very long time. I don't interfere with his life he continually comes and seeks me out. He says he is scared because I could devastate him if it didn't work. I don't believe that it would be an issue but as I have told him that it would be just as scary for me as well for the same reason but at this point am more afraid of never knowing. I have tried: Being honest with my feelings, patient, understanding, non-intrusive, accepting and not a pushover as well. I think it was caused by: It dates back to issue we had as kids, outside sources putting wedges between us. Then as we got older he had issues with alcohol I believe he still does to a degree. Now I think our biggest problem is fear we have both been through a lot separately but as I have said we cannot get each other out of our system..
You need to tell him exactly what you provided in the details of your question. He initiated getting back together but then stopped. If you think he still has an issue with alcohol, then perhaps this relationship will not work out. There are many instances of people in your situation finding each other later in life but there happens to be too much baggage for the renewal to work out. If neither of you can look forward with a sense of security then this relationship will fail. He needs to put some effort into being with you or it will fail.
He went from having money to asking for it, should I leave him?
I met this guy a month a go when I was in a club I loved his personality and looks when I first met him after he was flashy in a mercedes wearing a designer belt and jeans but recently every time I've been to see him in his city I've had to buy the hotel for me to stay in which isn't a problem but I've bought my train tickets. he said he won't come to see me until his car is fixed. I've stupidly given him money before and he gave me a date he would pay it back by but he hasn't, what should I do? every time I ask for the money and try and leave he tells me hes going through a rough time and his mums ill. I feel stupid and unhappy and I'm worried hes just using me for my body and money. I've given him money that he hasn't paid back we don't stay on the phone for longer than 15 minutes hes always busy I come to see him in his city but he has an excuse not to see me in mine he hasn't taken me on a date yet because he says hes waiting to get paid even though it should be monthly and he hasn't been paid this month he feels happy asking me for money but not his family or friends and we have only known each other a month and a bit
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Categories : Relationships
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