Get Your Boyfriend to Spend Time with You
Edited by Kathy McGraw, Maria Quinney
How do you get the man you love to spend more time with you? It seems an age-old question, and is such a common issue that it's a fictional trope: the woman wants more time with her man and he seems oblivious. The key to drawing your guy closer to you and to want to be around you is to understand what makes him tick as a guy. It's not nearly as mysterious as you think it is, and he is probably more similar to you than you think.
Male Psychology 101
While a portion of male behavior is influenced by the sex hormone, testosterone, of which he has six times more circulating in his body than women do, socialization also plays a role, arguably a larger one. For instance, studies have shown that male infants a have stronger emotional reactions and express them more than female infants. Even more, telling are the studies that show that grown men also have stronger emotional reactions, but only until they are aware of them. Once they are aware, they quickly wipe all evidence of their feelings from their expressions. To be sure, they are still feeling the emotion, they're just not showing it because they've been socialized that express their emotions is to be unmanly. Men are far from emotionless machines seeking physical gratification and nothing more; they are deeply emotional beings who have the same basic desires for love, respect, and appreciation that you do. Once you realize that your boyfriend, for all of his male quirks, ultimately wants the same things that you do, you can begin to interact with him in a way that encourages more intimacy between you.
Your boyfriend wants to be appreciated for the things he does for you and for being who he is. He wants to make you happy, he really does, and when you show him how much appreciate him for his efforts, he will want to not only keep them up, but to exceed them. Here are some ways to show your appreciation:
- 1Give him positive feedback for what he is doing right instead of negative feedback for what he is doing wrong. It's true that honey attracts more flies than vinegar. Praising him for working so hard at his job to provide you with a home or to take you out for nice dinners rather than complaining to him about how much time he spends watching sports on television or playing video games will go a lot farther in encouraging him to spend time with you.Advertisement
- 2Do something nice for him. Cook him a nice meal when he gets home from work or offer a massage when he is tired and stressed. Bake him cookies or get his laundry done for him. He'll appreciate these gestures and will naturally feel the desire to reciprocate them in his own way.Advertisement
- 3Get him a gift. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive; get him something that you know he would like as a token of your love and appreciation. You know him best: if he enjoys reading, get him the next book in his favorite series; if he likes sports, get him tickets to his team's next home game and tell him he should go with his best friend, etc.
- 4Be a safe person for him. When you react negatively when he tells you something that you don't want to hear, but that he needs to share with you, you encourage him to further bite back his emotions and put on a front for you that everything is okay when it really isn't. Men already have a hard time showing vulnerability, and when you lash out at him, you reinforce his opinion that vulnerability just leads to pain and arguments. Learn to listen to him with an open mind and heart. You'll be surprised at how much closer the two of you become.
Give Him Space to Miss You
Everyone needs room to do the things they enjoy and spend time with their friends outside of the relationship. Allowing your man this time, and incidentally, yourself, as well, makes for a healthier and more loving relationship overall.
- 1Allow him to go out with his friends regularly. Men need to bond with their male friends from time to time. It lets them recharge and start wanting to spend time with you again. It's important that you willingly allow him this time and not act put-upon or play passive-aggressive games when he tells you that he's going to hang out with his buddies. If you act this way, you'll make him feel guilty about spending the time with his friends. He will resent you for it and pull away, the exact opposite of what you want from him.
Make the Most of Your Time Together
Whenever you spend time with your boyfriend, make sure that it's a net positive experience for him. Make sure that you have fun together and keep the complaining to a minimum, because you'll push him away if spending time with you becomes a chore.
- 1Save the "relationship talk" for another time. Guys hate discussing the state of the relationship in general and like it even less when you're telling him about all of the things he is doing wrong. Of course, this is not to say that you should never discuss it or that you should not make it clear when you aren't getting what you need; however, don't let it be the focus of your time together. Instead, set aside a specific time for such discussions apart from your couple time.
- 2Offer to learn about his interests and take part in his hobbies. Learning about the things he likes and joining him in doing hobbies he enjoys will not only make him happy, but it will also show him how much you love and care about him.
- 3Do things together that both of you enjoy. Being together as a couple should be fun for both of you. Focus on activities where you both must work as a team or where you have room to connect with each other. For instance, try a new hiking trail, or take a class where you have to build something together, like a sand castle or cook a meal.
Make Yourself Irresistible
Making yourself irresistible is reminding your guy why he started dating you in the first place. It's about putting him on notice that you're quite the catch and that he'd better stay on his toes if he wants to keep you.
- 1Put an effort into your appearance. By dressing nicely and wearing a little makeup you're not only engaging his lizard brain, but you are also making yourself feel good about how you look, which will show itself in the way you carry yourself and how you act while you're with him.
- 2Express affection for him in public. Don't be afraid to kiss him and discretely touch him in public. It will make him feel good about himself and lucky that he has such a great girl on his arm. Let him show you off a little.
- 3Be confident. There is no greater turn-on for guys than a confident woman. Even if you're not the prettiest or slimmest girl around, if you carry yourself like you know you're the bomb, he will naturally think so, too.
- 4Be exciting. Try something new together or push your boundaries. Engage him in thoughtful and insightful conversation. Excite not only his body but also his mind.
- 5Know what buttons to push. Pay attention to what he likes and make the most of it when you are together. For instance, if he enjoys you running your fingers through his hair, reach over and lightly card your nails through the hair at his nape when he is driving.
Know When to Let Him Go
If you have been dating for a while and you are always the one to accommodate him when he has time to see you while he has done nothing to adjust his schedule for you, then he may not be as invested in the relationship as you are. If this is the case, it's time for you to cut your losses and distance yourself from him. Don't allow him to disrespect you; don't be his backup woman for when he has no other plans. This means that if he repeatedly cancels plans you've made together to do something else, tell him to call you when he's ready to be serious about your relationship and pursue other options.