Fix a Relationship That Is About to Break Up
Edited by Donna, Eng, Sarah Maloney
Signs That Your Relationship is About to Break Up And How To Fix It
Nobody likes to be surprised by the news that their partner wants to break up with them. Yet that is exactly what happens. One partner strategically plans to get away from the other for months, while the other sometimes has no idea that they are about to left all alone.
Is your relationship at risk for a break up? Here are the warning signs that a split is imminent and what you can do to fix it. Be aware that like many broken things in life, that some things just can't be fixed, especially when human emotion is involved.
- 1You have had a fight, it's been days and your partner is barely communicating with you. A situation like this gets worse and worse and unless the pattern of being silent and resentful is addressed, it can lead to a break up. The way to fix this is to do your best to try and clear the air, even if it means having a second fight. Often, once resentments are expressed, there is an opportunity to heal and have the kind of make-up sex that also restores your physical intimacy. Another option for fixing this situation, that works especially well if the two of you are not speaking to each other, is to try and book an appointment with a relationship therapist, who can help guide the conversation between you to a point of understanding.Advertisement
- 2Your partner is constantly picking fights with you over little things and then storming away, leaving you alone for hours or even days. This is a very serious sign that you are about to break up because your partner is creating reasons to dislike you, so that he or she can justify leaving, cheating or taking advantage of you in some way. In his or her head, he or she is creating a case against you, so that they feel justified for leaving. Even worse, your partner may be triggering you to respond in an emotional or irrational way to his or her provocations, which does make you look genuinely crazy to those looking on. This is a very hard situation to fix, without actually leaving the relationship, however putting some distance between yourself and someone who is acting like this is your best bet for a second chance with each other. In this case, you have to tell yourself that "I am what I tolerate." Once you leave, your chances of being reunited with the person improves, because you have given him or her a clear message about your self-worth by not allowing yourself to be a person that can be engaged with in this way.Advertisement
- 3Your partner disappears for hours or even days at a time with no explanation. This is a serious sign of a breakup as it indicates an individual who has not respect for your emotional security with him or her. This is also a sign of avoidance, mostly out of guilt or an indicator of real infidelity. It really is possible that your partner is cheating on you and does not know how to tell you, so they are simply being a no show in your life and hoping they can slip out of the relationship quietly. In this case, you can just let the partner slip away from you or you can confront him or her directly about this behavior and ask what is behind it. If your partner tells you that nothing is wrong, you can seek therapy together. If you suspect that your partner is lying still pursue the matter by hiring a private detective, to find out the truth, and then seek therapy after that. A less dramatic way to go about it is to schedule a romantic dinner date and during the date ask your partner directly what your plans for the future are. Sometimes your partner is surprised by this commitment (because they might have been expecting accusations of some sort instead) and agrees to go enthusiastically forward with you or even discreetly drops an affair.
- 4Your partner is telling others that he or she is being victimized in the relationship. Whether you are truly victimizing your partner or not, this is a sure sign that you are about to break up because he or she has started a PR campaign amongst your friends and family, portraying you as an oppressor. In this situation, you need to sit down with your partner and ask the following question, "If I am so bad for you, why are you still with me?" This shifts the conversation from being about blame, to being about your accountability for the stories that are being told. If you truly are to blame or something in the relationship, then this is your chance to try and keep the relationship by apologizing to him or her. Acknowledge the gossip you have heard and give your partner the option of leaving you or apologizing to you and staying.
- 5Your partner no longer shares his or her feelings with you. This is a serious sign that you could break up shortly because relationships are defined by the feelings shared with each other. A lack of sexual intimacy can also sometimes accompany this lack of emotional intimacy. The fact that the person seems to be concealing their true feelings from you makes you feel like there is a break down of trust between the two of you. The fix for this situation is to demand that your partner please share his or her feelings about your relationship. When you do this, you do risk being told something terrible, such as "I have not loved you for six months.", but knowing this this is preferable to the coolness and suspicion between partners that a lack of intimacy breeds. Sometimes this works to fix the relationship because once the partner sees how visibly hurt you are by his or actions; they may reciprocate by opening an honest dialogue about their feelings with you.
- 6Your partner is practicing emotional infidelity by sharing his feelings with someone else, rather than with you. Even though there is no sexual intimacy, you may feel left out or ganged up on by your partner and this new person in his life who seem to be sharing the sorts of confidences and moments that are usually shared by couples. Fixing this type of relationship issue can be difficult, because when it comes to making you the villain in the equation, your partner has an ally. To fix this, you need to withdraw completely from the relationship with the added ultimatum that you will no longer be seeing him or her until the third party in your relationship is gone. If your partner does not immediately get rid of the third person, which is reinforcing bad feelings in your relationship, then you are probably better off without them.
- 7Your partner does not ask you how your day went or show any interest at all in your life. A partner that does not care about the small stuff, such as what you had for lunch, doesn't care about the big dreams or your life together. The fix for this is to directly ask your partner where he sees the two of you in three months, six months, one year, two years or five years. Unfortunately, many people find out at this point that their partner simply has no interest in making any future plans with them at all.
- 8You find yourself tiptoeing around the person and making the entire relationship about his or her needs, rather than your own. Even worse, the demands on your time from your are getting heavier and more ridiculous, so that you feel more like a slave, than a lover. The fact that you are agreeing to this means that you either consciously or subconsciously thinks you are on probation somehow and have to make something up to him or her. The more you try to please your partner, the more he or she seems to treat you with contempt. The only way out of this is to stop putting his or her needs before yours, so that your partner can see that you hold yourself in high self-esteem. Learn to say no so that he or she can no longer take you for granted.
- 9Your partner only pays attention to you when he or she is in a crisis. The next time a big emergency arises in his or her life, refuse to fix it until they change your attitude towards you or refuse to fix the issue at all. This refusal, which sends the clear message that you will not be taken for granted anymore, is usually the point at which your partner will realize that he or she truly does need you or how much you are hurt by their actions. It is also the ideal time for you to outline your concerns about being treated as a rescuer, rather than as an equal in the relationship and your fears that he or she is only keeping you around until someone better turns up. Tell your partner that you will only stay with him or her if they fix stop counting on you to take care of them. This is a bit of reverse psychology that acts like a wake-up call to your partner to recognize your value. Refusing to rescue him or her turns the tables psychologically by changing the power dynamic, and has him or her scrambling to keep you in the relationship, rather than the opposite.
- 10There are no signs that your partner is unhappy with you but your intuition is telling you that something is very, very wrong. It may seem like your partner is merely going through the motions, when it comes to maintaining your relationship. The fix for this problem is to go ahead and confess your fears of a break up. If you don't, it's a bit like having a toothache. Without evidence you might feel that you are being too suspicious or irrational, but you know your partner better than anyone. Sometimes, it really is about having a gut feeling, in which case, you should investigate the matter immediately, by confronting your partner, telling him or her how you feel and carefully judging their response. If they are defensive, angry or shut you down, it is possible that they are cheating, yet don't want to lose the stable base they have with you. Most partners will not ridicule a partner who fears a break up. They will reassure them and use physical contact and affection to affirm the secure status of the relationship.
- 11You find yourself tolerating bad behavior towards you in public. A partner who is humiliating you in front of others or trying to embarrass you is expressing a lot of resentment, not just towards you, but towards others as well. People in abusive relationships put up with this because they fear losing that person, because they feel that they understand the reasons for it, or even like they are the cause of it. Your way out of this is to leave the public situation and threatened not to come back unless the behavior is changed for good. This is one of the hardest situations to fix, because very often, the individual who is acting this way has a mental illness or issue of their own that must be addressed, before you can go forward together. The way to fix this is to leave and practice a separation until the person does what they need to stop this behavior, whether it be attending anger management classes, seeing a therapist or addressing the underlying addiction or mental illness that may be causing it. Regardless, any type of abusive behavior towards you in public is a serious sign that your partner wants to break up with you, because they do not have any respect for you at all and should be your cue to put a halt to the whole thing.
Tips and Tricks
- If your partner and you have broken up once, or even twice before, your chances of breaking up again are very high, just simply because you are so resentful of each other
- Bring any break up stories to the light by addressing them directly and out loud to anyone spreading them so that public opinion does not steamroll you to agreeing to a break up that you do not really want
- One way to counteract the bad reputation caused by a partner who is portraying you to be a villain is to only telling loving stories about him or her
- In the case of a breakup being foreshadowed, as the result of an emotional infidelity, it is important to distance yourself and not show jealousy of the third person or you will likely push him or her away
- Keep in mind that it is probably not your fault if, after trying everything, you are not able to prevent a breakup
- If your partner is refusing to speak to you about the relationship, it can sometimes be the result of him or her not actually knowing what they want and not a personal reaction of you
- Remember that every breakup situation is truly unique an it may take a combination of some of the approaches above to prevent a split
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Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Eng, Donna