Dump a Narcissist
Edited by Donna, Eng, Maria Quinney, Doug Collins
Understanding Narcissists and Love
Most people who end up in a relationship with a narcissist eventually find themselves asking the question, "Can narcissists love?" The simple answer to this question is no. Narcissists are incapable of love for the following reasons:
- Through no fault of their own, narcissists are damaged individuals who are delusional, manipulative and emotionally unavailable to others, and their deep insecurity can cause them to be very cruel, instead of loving
- They have a grandiose sense of self-importance, seeing themselves as celebrities, and tend to treat their partners like fans or slaves rather than as equals
- They lack empathy for others because they were shown no empathy as children and have no idea what it is and may even make fun of compassion or belittle others who are in trouble
- Narcissists are very insecure, emotionally damaged individuals who hide behind the grandiose mask to prevent others from hurting them and any love they show to others is simply a disingenuous performance
Signs That You Are With A Narcissist
Signs that you might be in a relationship with a narcissist are:
- Any conversation that takes place is all about them and never about anyone else
- He or she withholds intimacy and affection if you are not in constant agreement with them
- The relationship seemed to be the most fantastic thing in the world at first, but now it seems like the person is holding you in contempt
- The person acts as if everything in life revolves around his or her, and like you are just one of many admirers in his or her life
- They remember every hurtful thing that you have ever done to them, but they have absolutely no recollection of ever harming or disappointing you, so you will never get an apology from a narcissist
- They downplay your interests and ambitions, mostly out of a secret fear that if you follow your own path you will leave, which is obsessive and territorial behavior, not love
- You feel like the person is always testing you by holding up hoops that you have to jump through to get their approval and attention because they require constant proof that they have your full attention
Signs That Is Time to Break Up With A Narcissist
It is definitely time to break up with a narcissist when:
- Not one of the rosy promises that were made to you when you first met were kept
- He or she is nice to you in public and very mean, especially verbally, in private
- He or she badmouths you to friends or family
- The narcissist appears to be cheating or at the very least, practicing emotional infidelity, with other people, leaving you to feel hurt and left out of things
- They are colluding with other people to make you a villain in his or her life somehow
- The narcissist resents you for trying to bring him or her back to reality
- The narcissist seems to enjoy watching you wince as he or she avoids you
- The narcissist has ceased being intimate with you because you are not good enough somehow for him or her
- There is no way of having a conversation with the narcissist about relationship issues because the conversation is always about him or her and not you
- Being with the narcissist is compromising your reputation or career
- You have no peace in your life because the narcissist is constantly creating a drama or crisis that holds you back fro accomplishing anything
- He or she humiliates you in public with harsh criticism and others are shocked by this treatment
- You find yourself financially supporting someone who badmouths you or is unfaithful
- You feel alone with this person, even when he or she is in the room with you, simply because they are so self-absorbed and incapable of a conversation
- The narcissist shows real anger and even violence when you pay attention to anyone else or anything, mostly because they feel that they are losing control over you
What to Expect When You Break Up With a Narcissist
When you break up with a narcissist realize that:
- 1There is no good time to tell a self-centered narcissist that you want to split, so you might as well get it over with. Many people resist breaking up with a narcissist because they are waiting for the right time, but this is not a time slot that is ever going to exist. In fact, the more that a narcissist senses that you are about to leave, the more they are going to create emergencies and dramas that make it almost impossible for you to leave.Advertisement
- 2No matter how you choose to do it, the narcissist is going to react in a dramatic way that is very much designed to make you feel like you are the worst villain that ever lived and that he or she is the victim. You can expect crying, screaming, suicide threats, physical threats, including physical ones where they block the door to prevent you from leaving, endless texting and all kinds of acting out, all of which you have to ignore in order to accomplish your exit from this person's lie.Advertisement
- 3Expect the narcissist to rally their forces and try to ruin your reputation through gossip. You can especially expect to see a lot of bashing of your reputation on social media.
- 4At a certain point a narcissist may try to get you back. They will flatter you, make promises and even buy you things to prevent you from leaving their life for good. Many narcissists are very charming and also exciting to be with, so it could be tempting to get back with him or her. However, you need to realize that you are falling for the same act that caused the two of you to get together in the first place.
How to Break Up With A Narcissist
Breaking up with a narcissist can be a difficult, messy matter because they hate to lose, even if they have been demonstrating that they are not that fond of you over the past few months.
- 1Resolve that you will not have any contact at all with the narcissist once you have broken up with them. You will not receive a text or a phone call and you will not answer the door if he or she comes to your place. This is likely to be very painful emotionally, but going "cold turkey" is the only way to get this beguiling person out of your system.
- 2Realize that whatever occurs during a breakup with a narcissist cannot be taken seriously. When leaving a relationship with a narcissist it is important to understand that nothing that is about you and you just simply can't one single word or action that they conduct against you, because they lack empathy.
- 3Find your helpers and make a strategic plan to leave very quickly, especially if you live with the narcissist. Get your friends to help you move and also be supportive of your plan to break up with him or her. Your best friends will probably be quite happy to see you leaving this person, who has probably already wreaked a lot of emotional havoc in your life. Chances are that your friends have heard all about it as you have gone looking for some kind of way to understand what you are going through by talking about the narcissist's baffling and abusive behavior to others.
- 4If you need the support of a therapist to get out of this and over this relationship, then get one. It can be very confusing and disappointing to be in such a difficult relationship where one partner is almost completely emotionally available. A therapist can help you strategize the way you deal with any emotional fallout from your actions as well as help coach you psychologically so you are not tempted to return. Another reason to get a therapist is so that you have a safe person to whom you can express your feelings.
- 5Pamper yourself and put yourself first. Breakups with narcissists can be very traumatic emotionally and for many, it can feel like all of your dreams have been dashed. It is also important not to beat yourself up for being with the narcissist as many of them are very charming and manipulative and they are known for breaking hearts.
Tips and Tricks
- Train yourself to feel sorry for the narcissist once you are at a distance, and realize that any potential happiness you thought you had with this person was a bit of a delusion
- Realize that you may not miss the narcissist at all and that breaking up with him or her might seem like a big relief
- Stay focused on your goals and try not to dwell on the past, as that could tempt you to contact the stalker
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Maria Quinney, Eng, Donna