Deal with a Lying Husband What to Do When a Husband Lies vs When a Husband Lies to Avoid Conflict vs When a Husband Lies to Avoid a Wife's Disappointment ... and 2 more
Edited by Kathy McGraw
To lie is to be human. Children learn to lie at about the same time they learn to walk, and we all do it to some extent. In fact, people underestimate how many lies they tell, and repeat the same lies over again to the point where they start to believe that the lie is true. Other facts about lying include:
- Generally, men lie to make themselves look good, while women lie to make others feel comfortable
- Some deception is necessary: Everyone lies to their spouse at some point; it is impossible to be 100 percent honest with each other all time because no relationship can survive such harsh honesty.
- Not all lies are created equal: You are aware of the concept of white lies: that is, lies that we tell each other in order to avoid hurting the other person unnecessarily.
- You can't detect lying by eye movements and most people are quite bad at detecting untruths
- People tell on average two or three lies per day.
- People believe that men with beards lie less than their clean-shaven counterparts
- It's harder to lie to a good looking person than an average looking one
Method 1: What to Do When a Husband Lies
Although lying is part of the human condition, and although some deception is necessary for healthy relationships, honesty is preferable in most situations because lying also has detrimental effects, such as keeping your spouse at a distance and eroding trust. What can you do if your husband is lying to you? Well, it depends on the reasons for his lies. Remember, some lies are worse than others and require different handling.
Method 2: When a Husband Lies to Avoid Conflict
One major reason why husbands lie is to avoid the tension or arguments that he believes will result if he told the truth. For instance, he may tell you that he's at the office working late when he is actually at the bar having a few drinks with friends because he knows, or thinks he does, that you'll give him grief about it. Another lie he might tell to avoid conflict is when he tells you what you want to hear to get out of a painful conversation. If your husband is lying to avoid conflict, then you need to take a careful inventory of yourself and how you have reacted to him telling you the truth in the past.
- 1If you fly off the handle or go into a panic when you hear bad news or unpleasant truths, you are encouraging your husband, and most likely everyone who is close to you to shield you from the truth.Do you react badly when you hear unpleasant news?
- 2Your husband will still do the things he enjoys because he wants to do them, but he will very quickly learn to conceal the truth about them from you because he'd rather avoid grief if he can.Have you made life difficult for your husband at home if he does certain things he enjoys?
- 3When you hear unpleasant news, try to remain calm. Your husband will be more likely to tell you the truth, even though it might upset you if you take the news well.Try to control your reactions.
- 4As long as what he does doesn't affect you or your family, you can handle this in one of two ways:Recognize that your husband can and will do things he enjoys, even if it means lying to you about them.
- You can accept that he will lie to you about where he is sometimes.
- You can refrain from punishing him if he tells you the truth about where he is and what he is doing.
Method 3: When a Husband Lies to Avoid a Wife's Disappointment
Having high expectations of your husband is both a good and a bad thing. While having high expectations can encourage him to try harder to get what he wants, it can also make him fear disappointing you if he fails. One common area where this occurs in with respect to lifestyle changes.
- 1If you scold him for having a cigarette after a particularly grueling day at work, you can expect that the next time he has one that he won't tell you about it, and if you ask him whether he has a smoke, he'll lie and say that he didn't.Try not to make a big deal if he lapses.
Method 4: When Your Husband Lies to Preserve His Autonomy
Another common reason for men to lie is when they feel like they're being controlled by their spouse. A husband is likely to shut down and lie when he feels cornered by a spouse who is asking unnecessarily invasive questions. Even if they are not invasive, asking too many questions in a short period is likely to make your husband feel like he's being interrogated rather than having a conversation.
- 1For example, don't ask your husband a line of questions such as:Avoid questions that sound like accusations.
- Where were you?
- Who were you with?
- Why did it take you so long?
- Why didn't you call?
- 2Your husband is more likely to be forthcoming about the details of his day if you tell him about your own day. When you give information about yourself, you are encouraging him to do the same by the principle of reciprocation.Try volunteering information about yourself, instead.
- 3Things that fall into this category include information about past lovers (unless they are currently in your husband's life), a minute by minute recounting of he spend his day, and what he is thinking every minute.Accept that there are some things you don't need to know.
- 4Showing that you can see his side of things will make him more comfortable and reduce his fear that you will be angry at him or reject him if he tells you the truth.Try to be empathetic.
Method 5: When a Husband Lies Because He is Cheating
Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and trying to get to the truth about a lying deceiving spouse is not an easy task. Here are some strategies to help you uncover the truth:
- 1Check for racy text messages or numbers that you are unfamiliar with.Check his phone.
- 2He and the other woman may be sending each other little love notes online.Check his social media accounts.
- 3Ask a friend of yours whom your husband does not know well to follow him around and report back to you with what she finds.Ask a friend to follow him.
- 4Research has shown that lying adds to the cognitive load on the brain much more than telling the truth because of the energy that must be expended to manufacture fictional events. Having him repeat his story backward adds further to his cognitive load and makes it more likely that he'll trip up.Ask your husband to tell you his story backward.
- 5Having to look you in the eye is distracting and therefore increases his cognitive load which increases the possibility that the truth will slip out.Ask him to maintain eye contact with you while he is telling you his story.
20 Lies Cheaters Tell
Some cheating husbands will do almost anything to conceal their affairs. They want to have their cake and eat it, too, so they tell outrageous lies, including the following:
- 1She's just a friend, I swear!
- 2You don't know what you're talking about.What?
- 3I swear there's nothing going on.
- 4You're paranoid.
- 5I have to work late.Sorry, honey, but I can't make it home for dinner tonight.
- 6The boss asked me to come in on weekends for a super secret special project.
- 7I'm helping a friend with x, so I am spending the night at his house.
- 8Wait! Are you cheating on me?You're so suspicious all the time.
- 9This is NOT what it looks like.
- 10I was drunk at the time.
- 11It will NEVER happen again.
- 12I make love to you.I had sex with her.
- 13You don't understand me like she does.
- 14It just happened.
- 15I don't know what came over me.
- 16I still love you.
- 17It's her fault!She came on to me, and I couldn't resist.
- 18If you let me do x, I wouldn't have cheated!It's your fault!
- 19Stop being so clingy.
- 20I'm not cheating, but If you're going to keep on accusing me like this, I might as well do it.
Questions and Answers
Why my husband is a constant liar and never knows how to answer me?
I ask where he was, or why taking so long, or who were you talking to but never answers my calls, or why did you not just call me then I would not have sat waiting. He always answers with swear words and tells how terrible his day was and and. I go ballistic and do not know how to handle this with emotional intelligence. It always feels as if he is telling lies and doing things he shouldn't do and do not know how to react or answer as I always find out afterwards. Why constantly lie and lie?? Like a little boy that has never grown up.
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