Deal when You're Married to a Flirting Wife
Edited by Kathy McGraw
We all flirt with other people, whether we are married or not. Flirting is a natural behavior that is part of the expression of human sexuality, and it is going to happen no matter what. As long as is done playfully and respectfully, there is nothing wrong it. It can even strengthen a marriage because it reminds us how sexy we are, which in turn spurs us to be sexual with our spouses.
In any discussion about flirting, it is important to acknowledge that flirty behavior by itself doesn't mean that your wife is cheating on you. As I have said above, to flirt is to be human, and we all do it to some extent. You probably throw on the charm when talking to a girl you find attractive, and you probably don't even realize that you are doing it. For flirting to be at all indicative of cheating, there have to be other signs as well that firmly point to infidelity. So, if you're worried that your flirty wife is stepping out on you, relax; she probably is not.
How to Deal with a Flirty Wife
When your wife is flirting with other guys, and it is making you uncomfortable, it is important that you address the issue. Otherwise, you will start to resent her for her behavior. Resentment is like a festering wound that causes more damage the longer it is left untreated.
- 1Be sure she is flirting. It may be that your wife is just more extroverted and social than you are. Men often mistake friendliness in women for flirtatious behavior. If she has always been friendly and outgoing, you may have to accept this behavior as part of who she is. Remember, her charm is probably one of the reasons why you fell in love with her!Advertisement
- 2Ask other people if they have noticed her behavior. You may be reading things into her behavior that aren't there. One way to be sure that she is indeed flirting is to ask other people if they have noticed her behavior and believe that it is flirtatious.Advertisement
- 3Another way to see if she is genuinely flirting is to observe her body language. When women flirt, they display certain body language signals, which include the following:
- Her pupils have enlarged in a room that is well-lit.
- She plays with her hair.
- She cocks her head to one side.
- She smirks playfully at the other guy.
- 4Ask her why she behaves as she does. She may not even consider it is flirting if she is just a naturally outgoing and confident person. She may tell you that she doesn't even realize that she's doing it, or she may tell you that it makes her feel good.
- 5Try to view her flirting in a different context. Try not to look at it as a negative reflection on you or her love for you; instead look at it as a manifestation of what you most love about her. Watch her interact and feel proud that this incredible woman is going home with you tonight.
- 6Tell her how you feel about her flirting. Use "I" language rather than the accusatory "you." Don't focus on her; focus instead on how her flirting made you feel. She may not even realize that her behavior is affecting you in such a negative manner.
- If you are truly bothered by it and can't put aside your feelings, ask her to stop flirting with other men in front of you. Tell her how much it bothers you and ask her to stop doing it.
- From there, you might have a conversation about personal boundaries and what is okay and not okay in the context of your marriage.
- 7Flirt with her. She's probably getting a bit of an ego boost when other men flirt with her, so remind her of the early days of your courtship by flirting her up a bit. It will make her feel good and she maybe she'll start flirting with you again. You'd be surprised at how far a little bit of attention goes.
- 8Don't attempt to get even. Don't start flirting with other women in an attempt to get back at your wife. Such behavior can only exacerbate tension between you.
- 9Don't assume the worst. Don't jump to conclusions and assume that she must be cheating on you because she flirts with other guys. Most flirting is pure harmless fun and nothing more.
- 10Examine your relationship. Sometimes a wife flirts because she is trying to fulfill a need that her husband is not addressing. Examine your relationship honestly and determine if you are:
- Acting in a loving and supporting manner toward your wife. Everyone craves validation and understanding. Make sure that you spend enough time with her and listen to her talk without always trying to fix everything. Sometimes women just want someone to listen to them and just understand.
- Being romantic enough. Almost every woman, regardless of what she tells you, craves a little romance. It doesn't have to be anything huge or expensive; all you need to do is apply a romantic touch here and there. For example, you could leave her little notes telling her how beautiful she is and how much you love her where she is sure to find them.
- Addressing her physical needs. Yes, you know what I am talking about. I'll just leave that here.
When Does Her Flirting Cross the Line?
Your wife's flirty behavior crosses the line whenever it starts to go beyond playful and leads to other behaviors that compromise the integrity of your marriage. Specifically, flirting crosses the line:
- 1When the flirtatious behavior is sustained and is directed at one person in particular. Consistent flirting with one man more than any others, including you, indicates an emotional and intimate connection is developing between them. At the very least, your wife is at risk for starting an emotional affair (one in which her needs for emotional support and love are being met by someone else) with this other guy.Advertisement
- 2When your wife doesn't stop flirting with you after you've asked her to. Failing to stop a behavior that you've indicated makes you uncomfortable means that she does not respect you or consider your feelings to be important. This indicates that she has disconnected from the marriage and there are some serious problems between you.
- 3When she starts changing her passwords. Changing her passwords when it is out of character for her to do so indicates that she has something that she wants to hide. Of course, she could just be changing them because she is security-conscious, but if she has never before changed them, then something more than a harmless flirtation may be happening.
- 4If there have been a significant number of "wrong numbers" calling the house lately. If you find yourself answering the phone only to find that the caller has hung up more often than usual, it may indicate that someone is trying to reach your wife and doesn't want to leave a message with you because they aren't supposed to be calling her at all.
- 5If she stops talking to someone on the phone when you enter the room. She might hang up and when you ask her who she is talking to, say that it was no one important, or she may run out of the room to continue her conversation out of your earshot.
- 6If she buys new lingerie out of the blue. She may not even need new underthings, or perhaps she never cared for them before, but now she's suddenly shopping at Victoria's Secret.
- 7If she is suddenly very busy at work and needs to put in a lot of late hours. Even more suspicious is if she pulls frequent all-nighters when she didn't do them before.
- 8If your wife vehemently denies that she is flirting. This is especially true if she denies flirting with a particular man. There's a reason why Shakespeare wrote: "The lady doth protest too much." She's trying to convince herself that her denials are true as much as she is trying to convince you.
- 9Your wife tells you that you're being paranoid or makes light of your concerns. While she still may not be cheating on you, if she quickly dismisses your concerns and feelings, this does not a happy marriage make.
- 10If she compares you to these other men she flirts with and finds you lacking. If your wife frequently belittles you or makes you feel worthless by words or actions, that's a huge red flag. It may not necessarily mean that she is cheating, but it does mean that she seriously lacks respect for you and isn't treating you the way a loving wife should the man she professes to love.
Tips and Tricks
- Don't accuse her of cheating on you, especially if you are not sure about it
- Always use "I" language and own your feelings
- Try to see matters from her perspective
- Recognize that her charm and extroverted nature is what attracted you to her in the first place
- Always try to meet your wife's needs
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Categories : Relationships