Break up with your partner
Edited by Ephraim, Charmed, Lynn, Eng and 8 others
This article will offer advice about how to break up with your partner after the relationship is no longer healthy. Breaking up is always difficult. It can be even more difficult when you are the one planning to end it. Some mistakenly believe that a break up is easier for the one ending the relationship, but it's not easy for either one of the people involved.
The Say That Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
It is. When the relationship becomes unhappy and unhealthy for either or both of the parties, it is time to call it all off. When you are unhappy in a relationship but continue to stay together, it is emotionally unhealthy for both of you. Breaking up may prove to be painful but if there is no hope for improvement in the relationship, it needs to happen. The important thing to keep in mind about breaking up is to be firm and decisive when you do it, to be certain that the break up is final. This is not the time to be wish-washy.
Before You Break-Up
- 1Identify the reason or reasons you want to end what you had with your partner. Being angry or irritated with your partner about a particular situation, may not reason enough to end your relationship, and you just might need a little time. Sometimes these issues can be dealt with by communicating your feelings and working out your differences. If the trouble is simply over an argument, the best thing to do is to work out the disagreement. This can actually help to strengthen the relationship.Advertisement
- 2One major determining factor in deciding to break up, is if a great deal of effort has been given to bring resolution to an unhealthy relationship without any sign of improvement. At this point it may be time to bring things to an end.Advertisement
- 3It may be time to end things if the same issue seems to be repeating itself over and over again.
- 4If you feel unsatisfied, hurt, unhappy or suspicious about things and this cycle never ends then it is time to end the relationship.
- 5Even after identifying the reason for breaking up, be certain that this is what you really want. Going into a break up full of indecision will just lead to confusion for you and you partner.
- 6The scent of love. You know you've fallen out of love when your partner doesn't smell good to you anymore.
If You Aren't Prepared
Be prepared to explain your reasons for the break up. Your partner will most certainly want to know why. Not being prepared with clear with a good argument for ending things, will hurt your chances of making a clean break.
- 1You may find your partner giving you a compelling argument to stay together.
- 2Your partner may take your hesitation as a second chance.
- 3If your partner is manipulative, he or she may use your uncertainty to hold onto you even when you need to be let go of. False hope is not good for anyone.
- 4Have all your facts in order before having the conversation about the break up. Consider how you'll answer questions. If you are unsure of yourself, and you're afraid you'll forget things in the heat of the argument, jot down the points you want to make. If your partner sees you reading your reasons from a paper he/she may find it amusing on the outside but in the inside he/she will see that you really thought about this, and planned carefully. It will demonstrate how serious you are about the situation.
The Break Up
When letting your partner know your reasons for the breakup, but remember these things:
- 1Be calm. If either of you become angry the situation can easily spiral out of control.
- 2Be polite. Don't be cruel and don't give reasons that are hurtful and mean.
- 3Keeping everything cordial and kind can make the breakup go more smoothly with less negative emotions. If you break up when you are angry, or as a knee-jerk reaction to something that's just happened - you're at a party and he's flirted with another girl, it will not be a good breakup.
- 4R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Cannot stress enough how important to be respectful, and tactful in this situation.
- 5Don't attack character. Attacking your partner personally about his or her character is not helpful. If you attack him/her for personal faults and attack his/her character, it may damage your partner personally. Explain that the relationship is dying and why, including things your partner has done to contribute to the dying relationship. Listing the things you've come to dislike about your relationship is different from listing things you don't like about your partner's character. Don't destroy them, regardless of what they may have done. Don't ruin their chance for a good relationship in the future, as if they don't move on, they might cling to your relationship.
- Things you SHOULD NOT say:
- You've gained weight and I don't like it.
- You're going nowhere in life and I don't want to take that trip with you.
- You aren't smart enough for me.
- You're a loser.
- Things you COULD say:
- We've grown apart.
- We don't want the same things in life.
- I need to focus on school/my career.
- Your infidelity is proof to me that you don't love me the way you should.
- I feel as if you're always looking for something else, and I'd like to feel more secure in a relationship.
- You don't seem invested in this relationship.
- Things you SHOULD NOT say:
- 6Focus. Try your best to keep the discussion about breaking up. It's really easy for some people to start talking about things that happened in the past. Don't get suckered in. Keep the conversation current.
- 7Decide how much time you want to spend on the break up.
- If you want to keep the conversation brief make sure that you get all your facts out quickly. Keep in mind that in a brief conversation, the other person may not feel that they've heard all your reasons, or that they had adequate time to respond. They might not feel as if they've had closure. The other person may be clingy and need you to explain more fully what your reasons for the break up are.
- On the other hand, a lengthy talk will be more emotional but may also be the most effective way for the break up to cover all the issues completely. Having a long talk will ensure that the break up will be official with all the facts on the table for your partner. This will help your partner move on more easily.
- 8Face to Face. For goodness sake, unless your partner has a history of violence, have enough respect to break up face to face. Breaking up over the phone/text/email can also make the break up seem unreal. Breaking up in person will allow your partner to see how serious you are about the break up through your body language and your voice. This method is the most respectful and effective way to break up with your partner. The only reason a break up should be done over phone or text is because you are too far away to do it in person.
- 9The disappearing act. Another way some have used for breaking up is to just disappear. This does not give the partner closure and will make it hard for him or her to move on. This kind of cowardly breakup can also damage the other person psychologically and emotionally.
- 10When breaking up, remain calm and be sensitive to your partner's emotions. Regardless of the situation do not just blatantly say, "We need to break up." This will not elicit a positive response from your partner and the conversation will end up over-emotional. Another reason to remain calm is to avoid your partner replying with something hurtful or negative toward you leading, to an argument instead of a clean break up.
- 11Don't play. Avoid retaliating if your partner says something negative. This may prove to be difficult if emotions are running high between the two of you, but your goal is to remain calm. Don't let your partner goad you into a senseless, bitter argument. Breaking up in a calm manner will result in the end of a relationship that probably gave you many happy moments, and a mutual respect for each other.
- 12Cut cleanly. Do not leave the conversations open for any hope of resolution between the two of you. Be kind and polite but also be firm and assure your partner that there is no "getting back together". Sometimes break up conversations include the phrase "You never know what will happen." or "If we are meant to be, we will be together later on in life." These terms can leave your partner with a sense of hope. This can cause your partner to linger in hopes that you secretly want to be with him/her. This is not good. Do not leave the door open for any kind of chance for the relationship in the future. Close the door and leave it shut. If you are not ready to close the door on the relationship then you are not ready to break up with your partner.
Reactions You Might Face
Be prepared for certain reactions from your partner that may cloud your judgement about the break up. There are a number of things that can happen in the conversation to make you second-guess yourself regarding the situation:
- 1Anger. There are some individuals that will say evil things out of anger to cause hurt in the process of breaking up, even if they do not mean what they say. Be prepared for the worst. Some people may curse or say mean things about your physical appearance. Be strong throughout the conversation and do your best to not project your anger back at them.
- 2Crying. Your partner may cry and beg you not to leave them. Remain strong and firm about your decision. It's hard to see someone who we either love or spent so much time with cry. But by breaking up with them they might leave the relationship and find someone better, who will make them happy. Ignore the few hours of crying since they may find a lifetime of happiness later on in life.
- 3Questions. Your partner will ask questions about why the break up is happening. While you can give them many reasons they might still ask the question, "Why," in the course of the conversation. If you have repeatedly answered the question and explained your reasons then it is time to just leave the conversation.
- 4Get away after the break up is over. Your partner may try to get into contact with, or visit you. After you've broken up with your partner, you will need to avoid your partner and go to other locations. This doesn't mean you need to move out of your home. It means you should stay away from locations where the two of you would normally meet or see each other. This doesn't mean that you'll never have contact again, but give it a couple of weeks to a month for him/her to get over the break up and find someone new. Think of it as the two of you becoming acquainted with being single again.
- 5If you are a girl, ending things with a guy who's shown violent behaviour in the past, know that you are in a dangerous situation. A violent man will be at his most volatile in this situation, and it's when women are in the most danger of his violent nature. Consider these things:
- Make sure you aren't alone. Even if you're in a home with someone in another room.
- Make sure someone else knows what you are about to do, and where you are.
- Do not humiliate this man.
- Make sure neither of you have been drinking excessively.
- Do not do this at his place.
- This may be one situation where you break up through a phone call, or via email or text.
- Please, you really have to be careful now. The most violent acts perpetrated by a man toward a women, are just after a breakup.
Things To Consider
- 1Do not break up with your partner, when either of you have problems or are in bad mood. This will affect your conversation, which will lead to an unpleasant ending. This may cause him or her to feel suicidal. This may also create a negative attitude within him/her which may affect other people instead of you.Advertisement
- 2Find a good place to break up with him or her. The best place where you should break up with your partner should be in a place where people seldom go, but isn't completely isolated. This is to avoid several people staring at both of you during break up. This also gives both of you time to talk with each other quietly. In places where there are a lot of people, you can't share openly with your partner.
- 3Choose the best time to break up with your partner. You should break with your partner on a reasonable date. You should consider the dates and time. It would be insensitive to break up on a birthday, anniversary or special holiday. These are days of celebration and should be happy occasions. It would create negative memories if you breakup on a day that should have positive and pleasant ones.
- 4Be kind when breaking up with your partner. You don't have to nag your partner or shout at him when you are breaking up with him/her since his or her emotions may be vulnerable and fragile at this time. Be calm and gentle but firm.
Sometimes breaking up is the best option. Sometimes it is the only option. It can be a difficult experience, but if handled in the right way, it can be less painful...and eventually, you might return to being friends - but not right away.
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Nuance, Rebecca M., Laurel Waddell