Best Way to Break Up with Somebody
Edited by Donna, Eng, Maria Quinney
Why Making the Break Up Official Is Important
Some people deal with a break up by simply walking away from the relationship and not saying or doing anything. This type of break up is the most painful type of break up for the person you are dumping because they are left with all kinds of questions and a terrible feeling of rejection.
When you go to the time and trouble of meeting with the person to break up, you accomplish the following:
- 1Meeting with him or her in person shows that you still respect or care for the person and that you are considering his or her feelings. One of the cruelest things you can do is simply abandon the person or break up by text or a phone call. An email is equally rude, especially if you have been together for a long time. Sit down with him or her, look him or her in the eyes and be as simple and honest about what is happening as possible. This is likely to incur the least emotional resistance from your partner, who may not appreciate you taking the matter lightly if you opt to send a sad smiley face and a brief text instead.Advertisement
- 2When you meet with him or her in person, it leaves no room for doubt that the breakup is real. If you break up by text, email or even a phone call, your ex may start analyzing the message that you have sent, looking for loopholes or the hope that you might stay together. Text and email can leave your partner reading between the lines and rationalizing as to why what you have written cannot possibly be true.Advertisement
- 3The personal meeting, where you break up, sets the boundary between your past together and the future and leaves no uncertainty in your lover's mind that it is over. Even though your partner may be badly hurt, he or she will always remember this day as the day the two of you split up. It helps to establish the fact that when it comes to this relationship, this is the date when you decided that there would be no more turning back.
- 4Meeting with him or her provides the person with a sense of closure. It is the lover who had not been told the truth straight out and in person that is most likely to dwell in the past or hold on to the pain of the rejection. Hearing that it is over directly from your lips, rather than letting him or her wonder or form theories about why this cannot possibly be happening, will help them accept the breakup faster and also get over it faster.
The Best Way to Break Up
Every situation is individual, but for the most part, it is best to take these steps in order to ensure that the actual session of breaking up is as brief as possible and less painful for both of you.
- 1Realize that there is no right time to break up and that it is very damaging to both of you to put it off. Putting off a breakup because it is Christmas, or because the person's birthday is coming up is not going to help things. The longer you lie to your partner, the worse your final days together will be and the more betrayed your partner will feel when you finally do get around to telling him or her the truth.Advertisement
- 2To avoid scenes, meet to announce the breakup in a public place, that is not frequented by people you know. You do not want to meet at your place or your partner's place as that can be too intimate and could lead to confusing break-up sex. If you meet in public, you are less likely to have a display of embarrassing emotion or an argument. The conversation will most likely be more restrained and dignified. If your partner does get emotional, you can direct him or her to the washroom, pay the bill and leave. If you live together, make sure that your bags are packed or that your belongings have already been moved into a new place to stay. Otherwise, you will be in for a night of recriminations, guilt, and misery.
- 3Do not order alcohol or food at the establishment where you will be breaking up. Instead, order just coffee. Food can take a long time to arrive, thus making it more likely that additional ruminations and questions about your split will come up. Adding alcohol to the equation can add to the emotional drama of the situation and have the recipient of your bad news behaving in a less than rational way. You want to make sure that the lover you are delivering this message to is stone cold sober and understands that you are very serious about leaving for good.
- 4Avoid getting into too much detail about why the two of you are breaking up. You do not have to give the person a list of reasons why they are not "good enough" to be your partner. You only have to say that you do not think the two of you are compatible or that you don't think that it is going to work out in the long term. You also do not have to answer any questions about a new relationship or answer any accusations. You only have to say that you think it is in the best interests of both of you to break up. Usually, the other person will have a good idea of why you are considering the breakup but will pretend to be mystified in order to guilt you into changing your mind. Your partner might also be in actual denial that it is not working out, in which case, you might have to list the reasons why, but make sure that this conversation is as brief as possible to spare yourselves an argument or big dramatic scene.
- 5If you are leaving him or her for a new partner, tell him or her what to expect. Although you are not obligated to do this, it can be awful to be blindsided by the news that you have been seeing someone else on the side by seeing it on Facebook or being told by others. Respect your partner but do not leave him or her in the dark.
- 6Never ever blame the other person for the breakup. If you have to, say that old cliché, "It's not you, it's me." When people think that they have failed you, they will do resolve to do anything to change your mind. The other possible reaction is a great deal of resentment, followed by a plan of revenge created specifically to ruin your life.
- 7Try not to start crying as you are telling the other person that you want to break up. This will encourage him or her to see you as a person who still has romantic feelings. Be as brief and to the point as possible and do any grieving over the relationship in private later.
- 8Do not let your new ex kiss or hug you goodbye. This could lead to a passionate embrace and possibly sex. If you want your ex to respect your decision then make it very clear that you will not be engaging in any type of physical contact or intimacy with him or her in the future.
How to Commit to the Idea That It Is Over After The Break Up
Committing to the idea that it is over between the two of you is very important because it is a way of setting a boundary between you and your ex.
- 1Except for one generic friendly shot, in which you look more like friends, remove all pictures of you and yourself from your social media and then change your Facebook Relationships Status to single or to the name of the new person you are with. This functions as a general announcement to him or her that you have moved on and are now dating or that you have switched up him or her for a new relationship. In some cases, you are going to have a very bad emotional reaction from your ex, in which case, you might have to block him or her to prevent the person from seeing any more information about your life that may be upsetting. Keep in mind that this step is not necessary with all people
Tips and Tricks
- If you are breaking up with a partner that is abusive or violent to you, then you do not have to meet in person; send him or her an email instead along with a request that he or she never talk to you again
- You don't have to tell your ex-to-be why you are breaking up with him or her, especially if you feel that he or she will take it very personally and interpret it at criticism
- If you are breaking up with a person who has been charged with violence or another crime against you, simply leave without a word and keep in mind always that you do not owe this type of ex any explanation
- It may be difficult for you emotionally to break up with your partner face-to-face, but the short-term emotional pain that you will feel at hurting someone else often results in your freedom from any obligation from this person
- Once you have broken up with someone, do not accept any more phone calls, text or emails from them as this helps to reinforce the idea that it is over and that you mean it
- Not all breakups are miserable affairs, and often the feeling is mutual and leads to a peaceful separation
- If you run into your ex at a party, be polite, courteous and make the conversation as brief as possible, keeping in mind that it may be emotionally difficult for your ex to see you
- Some people are more easygoing than others and in some cases; you may be able to remain friends with an ex who is not the jealous type
- Never ever, respond to a late night message where the person expresses loneliness or asks for sex as that could lead to a late night booty call and possible reunion
- If an ex does not leave you alone, you may have a stalker on your hands and a court order may be necessary to prevent them from harassing you in person, especially if they are disturbing your reasonable enjoyment of life in your home or in public spaces that you both frequent
- Once you have broken up with the person, it can be a good idea not to talk to others about it, as it helps everyone forget that the two of you were once a couple and it also spares the person you have left any humiliation
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