Trust Your Girlfriend when She Has Previously Cheated

Edited by Vanessa Alexandra Avisado, Anonymous, Eng, Lynn and 7 others

Dealing with a two-timing girlfriend is a very painful and emotional experience. You are usually shattered and left wondering what to do next. Sometimes, despite the heartbreak, the strong and deep feelings you have for each other still exist. It requires a great deal of effort to take her back, forgive and forget, and start afresh. Both of you will have to work extra hard to salvage and revive the relationship.

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How to Make a Fresh Start

  • Be willing to forget the wrongdoing and accept the apologies of your repentant girlfriend.
  • Discuss with her why she felt the need to stray. An open and honest discussion throws light on any problems that arise in your relationship. Discussion will allow you to mend and heal your relationship, provided your girlfriend is sincere and truly sorry. This will allow you to start fresh. Be warned, though, that such a discussion may affect your ego in a negative way, and you may find it difficult or impossible to forgive her.
  • Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Acknowledge problem areas that need repair. Don't the past haunt your future. Think of positive contributions you can both make to improve your relationship.
  • Set limits to avoid a repetition of the behavior by your partner. Set non-negotiable boundaries to your relationship. Let her know you will not tolerate this kind of thing ever happening again. If need be, set an ultimatum. Tell her either she commits to a monogamous relationship with you, or you will walk away. You need to communicate your expectations, and she needs to know what you expect before you can move forward, and save this relationship.

There is no guarantee your partner will never cheat again. There is no guarantee that you will stay together. On the other hand, there is no guarantee that your partner will cheat again and there is no guarantee that you two will break up either.

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If you have resolved the issues, the most important thing is to rebuild the trust that's been violated. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and you need to have the assurance you won't be lied to and hurt by her infidelity �" ever again. Therefore you want to be careful and definite. Don't be apprehensive. Be decisive and tell her what you need from her, in order to repair your relationship. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could resolve and move past this event, and welcome her back into your arms for a second chance.

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Signs That it is Safe to Trust Your Girlfriend Again:

  1. 1
    There is more open communication than closed.
    The important key to any relationship is healthy communication, and this is especially crucial in reviving one after an affair. Being open means being relaxed and at ease, and both of you must listen to each other.
    1. Closed communication is when the two of you become rigid and stick to your own points of view, and neither hears what the other is saying.
    2. It is important to recognize these signs when you get back together so when you are talking to your girlfriend, you will recognize if you feel more open than before, and if she is more open to you.
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  2. 2
    There is more transparency.
    Transparency is achieved when your girlfriend who cheated, gives you full access to her.
    1. No secrets. She allows you access to her e-mail, phone messages, and private accounts of any sort.
    2. If she is not willing to give you full access, have a discussion regarding why. Listen to her response. It might be reasonable. Even if she is unwilling, ask yourself if she is more transparent than she was before.
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  3. 3
    When it feels like you are both on the same team.
    1. You are working together and on the same team. You don't reject or disregard each other's ideas. All the lines of communication are open.
    2. You recognize you have learned something from or about your girlfriend, even if you have your own way of addressing the situation and even if you both have different ideas on how to make it all work.
    3. It also refers to open communication. It is about your overall view of your girlfriend. It's not that important if you are right or your way is the best way as it was before. There demonstrates a greater appreciation for one another.
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  4. 4
    You can see signs of improvement.
    1. Being more open, feeling like you are on the same team and transparency are all signs of improvement in your relationship. The risky thing when attempting to rebuild the trust after infidelity, is that improvement might actually be happening, but neither of you realize it.
    2. It is easy to become fixated on what transpired in the past and become blinded to the positive changes going on in the present.
    3. If you are trying to decide if it's safe to trust your partner again, you need to come from a place that is in the moment, and not draw on your feelings from the past. Of course it's nearly impossible to not be influenced by the past, and how the affair affected you, but at the same time, it's not healthy to dwell in the past, when it is full of negativity.
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How to Trust Your Girlfriend Again

There may have been many things responsible for your girlfriend's infidelity. While you're attempting to figure out or justify her behavior, it's a good time to evaluate yourself. Maybe your girlfriend's emotional concerns weren't being met, or perhaps her curiosity got the better of her. In either case, if she is keen to seek your forgiveness, and you are inclined to forgive her, the relationship can endure. However, even after the apology, you can still have difficulty trusting your girlfriend, you sincerely desire to restore happiness and health to your relationship, you need to learn strategies to unlock yourself to trust again.

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  • Know When to Trust: Before you begin to trust your girlfriend again, you have to be sure it's prudent to do so. Look for evidence of her sincerity and be sure you are ready to forgive. If there is open and relaxed communication, secrets should be divulged, and you should both feel like you're on the same team.
  • Let it Go: Even if you still have some apprehensions, forgiveness means giving up your grudges and most importantly, fear. Avoid looking back to that incident and using it against your girlfriend, even if seems to give you a sense of control during arguments. Do not throw her infidelity in her face when you have disagreements. Too often when one person in the relationship says they forgive, they continue to bring up the past over and over, making it difficult to move forward. In this situation, the past will only stir resentment in both of you.
  • Don't Take it Personally: It might be hard to believe and accept, but it may be that your girlfriend cheated on you out of spite. Don't view her actions as a personal attack on you. It's not certain if she wants to inflict pain on you, even though ultimately, she did. If you perceive her cheating was a personal attack, you might be triggered to hurt her this time, whether through infidelity or being mean to her.
  • Address Insecurities: Learning to trust again requires you to clear your own mind of insecurities. This infidelity might have damaged your confidence, but learn to trust in yourself again.
    • Confront occurrences of distrust and anger with a rational mind.
    • Maintain an optimistic attitude and be kind to yourself by indulging in your favorite hobbies, exploring new ones and staying social.
    • Believe you are deserving of love, and you will have a less complicated time trusting your girlfriend again.
  • Start Trusting Yourself Again: This is one of the keys. When you find it hard to trust her, it's usually because you don't trust yourself. You have developed negative beliefs about yourself and how you interpreted what happened in your ruined relationship. If you keep distrusting yourself, you'll keep distrusting your girlfriend. Write down all the decisions you have made in the past. This will give you an insight that you can trust your own decision-making process.

Questions and Answers

I want to learn how to trust her again?

She let her ex into her house for days and am sure on that she cheated and ever since then I lost my trust for her... I have tried: Yes I try every day to forget it but it always comes back to my head that she might repeat something like that again or similar. I think it was caused by: I don't know really...

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Is she trying to prove that she can be trusted and have you had a conversation with her on how you are still feeling that she can't be trusted? There are steps in this VisiHow article and if she has not repeated the behavior in several months, then she is genuinely sorry and trying to prove that to you.

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How do I learn to trust my girlfriend who cheated on me?

My girlfriend cheated on me with a married guy. I found them together and when I asked her what's going on she did not answer me. I walked away and left them at her place outside. I found them outside the door, the reason I went to her apartment was that she was not answering her phone and was supposed to come over to my place that day. I was worried and did not even suspect anything. When I got back to my place she came the following morning. We spoke about the situation and we got back together. A week later she was not answering her phone and I drove to her place and found her with the very same guy. I drove to work. She said that she was explaining to this guy about us. We got together. A few weeks later she said she can't be with me anymore. We broke up for about 4 months but we were still communicating in the process. We got back together recently. She asked me if we can try again. I asked her if she was seeing that guy she said no. I then found messages from that guy on her phone. The messages were general, nothing intimate. I asked her what is going on as I had requested that she stop speaking to the guy. We agreed that she should cut this guy out of her life if we are to continue and she said she will but for now lets work on us. I am battling to trust her even though I love her a lot.

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You need to assess if you are the conciliation prize for the fact that the married man stayed with his wife instead of choosing her. You both have a lot to work on for trust to begin again and the fact that she contacted this man several times when you were trying to get back together is not good. It would be perfectly acceptable to ask that she allow you to spot check her phone and that if she feels the need to stray she speaks with you first because she needs to work on her honesty.

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I want to trust her, but something is holding me back. What is it?

Me and my girlfriend are in a long distance relationship. She cheated on me with some guy from her school. she would always lie to me about where she was or what she was doing.. I have tried: Talking about her feelings.. I think it was caused by: She wanted to feel physically close to someone. But she says she always thought of me when she was with him.

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In order for a relationship to thrive, suspicions and resentments can't be a factor. If she has lied to you once, she might very well lie to you again, and this is what is holding you back from trusting her. Also the fact that she lied to you about cheating in the first place probably also has you wondering if she is lying about thinking about you when she was with him. You mention in your question that she has lied to you often about her whereabouts and what she is doing and your gut feelings are telling you that you cannot go forward in a relationship with someone like that. The real thing holding you back here is your common sense and sometimes it is best to follow your head instead of your heart if you are being hurt by the other person's actions.

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My girlfriend cheated on me and asked for forgiveness. But since then I lost trust in her, she stopped saving guys numbers, she always password her phone. Please I am losing it, advise me. We have been dating for 1 year now and both families knew each other. I love her deeply but I need her to stop her cheating life style?

My girlfriend cheated on me and asked for forgiveness. But since then I lost trust in her, she stopped saving guys numbers, she always password her phone. Please I am losing it, advise me. We have been dating for 1 year now and both families knew each other. I love her deeply but I need her to stop her cheating life style. I have tried: Trying to make her perfect and also see the best in her. I think it was caused by: I think the problem is from her, she is in a hurry to get married.

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You can't marry someone that you do not trust. Speak with her about the password to her phone and ask that she give you the pin. Telling her that you are trying to learn to trust her so that this relationship has a future may allow her to give you the pin without feeling defensive.

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Wanting to get married is not a reason for cheating. She has other issues that caused the cheating behaviors. Asking for her to help you gain more trust in her should not be a huge fight and if it becomes one then perhaps you may want to evaluate the relationship again. Even though you love her, if you can't learn to trust her then there is no future for this to eventually become a marriage.

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You can ask her to marry you if you think that you do love her and this will stop her behaviors. Depending on the situation, you can impose conditions of trust during the engagement. Perhaps her planning a future with you will make her realize that she is being foolish. This does not mean that you have to get married in under 6 months. You can request a date from one year out and during that time determine if you have gained enough trust for marriage.

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See more questions like this: My 1 month plus girlfriend just cheated on me?

I don't know why thoughts come back about the other guy and why I think she might cheat again when times get hard?

The title is basically the main question. I have tried: Forget about it, and then just get angry.. I think it was caused by: She wanted security in life and I am still looking at career

You are actually frustrated about your career opportunities and using the previous cheating as a crutch. If she is with you then your career does not matter. She may have cheated but you both decided to make this relationship work. Instead of focusing on what she did, turn that focus into building a career and future for yourself.

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Dealing with insecurities can be a stumbling block in other walks of life. When you feel insecure your first line of defense is to protect yourself and this is why you are deflecting your career issues onto her cheating. This is not an excuse for her behavior by any means but you need to distance yourself from those thoughts and fuel your desire to formulate your career.

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My girlfriend of 2 and half years cheated on me and when I confront her about it she just refused and decided to end things with me?

I love her so much but the question is, should I give her another chance whenever she decides to come back to me in the future?. I have tried: It's been few days since she broke up with me, I have not contacted her since she told me that I should stop calling her anymore. I do not know how to handle the situation.. I think it was caused by: On the day of the break up, she said the sex life was bad but never mentioned it to me when we were still together.

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Categories : Relationships

Recent edits by: Nuance, Donna, JRS

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