Trust Your Boyfriend when He Has Previously Cheated

Edited by Eng

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Just like love, trust is fragile and once it is shattered it is very difficult, if not impossible, to "reconstruct" or "rebuild". How do you trust your boyfriend when he has previously cheated? You don't. Why? Because it's actually not up to you; it's really up to him to work things out, make amends, and prove himself worthy of your love once more, and this is something that cannot be done overnight. You have to know in your mind and in your heart that first, he is truly sorry for what he did, and second he has enough self-control not to commit the same mistake twice.

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Unfortunately, things aren't always this black and white. Cheating on either party, for heterosexual or homosexual couples, married or not, is sometimes a lot more complicated than you think. Unlike what many people believe, infidelity is not always a random act that you commit on a whim. More than the physical aspect of it, you ought to be more concerned about the emotional and mental consequences of this.

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Here are some of the most pressing concerns about infidelity and some practical advice on how you can deal with them:

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You suspect that your other half is having an affair; how will you be able to confirm this?

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There is really no absolute way to do this unless your partner spills the beans voluntarily. However, there are signs that can be a dead giveaway. Just remember that these aren't substitutes for real evidence, and each one may have a logical explanation for happening:

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  1. 1
    Your partner suddenly becomes emotionally distant.
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  2. 2
    He or she has become less intimate or sexual than usual.
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  3. 3
    He or she starts handing out presents out of the blue.
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  4. 4
    He or she likes to spend more time away from you, with friends or business associates.
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  5. 5
    He or she cannot be contacted most of the time.
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  6. 6
    He or she always takes calls away from you.
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  7. 7
    You get phone calls wherein the caller will automatically hang up upon hearing your voice.
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  8. 8
    He or she never wants you to know about his activities in social media.
    (He or she may be using a different name, and very particular about not sharing his privacy settings with you.)
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What to do about it:

If your worst suspicions have come true and your partner is really having an affair

Emotions are very likely to run high. Give each other time to cool down before you make any final decisions. In the meantime, here's what you can do:

  1. 1
    Keep communication lines open, even when you're apart.
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  2. 2
    Accept the reality that the days ahead will be difficult and painful to bear.
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  3. 3
    Surround yourself with family and friends for moral support.
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  4. 4
    Be realistic and honest with the kind of relationship you have, if you still want to get back together.
    Consider relationship counselling. Sometimes, getting help from an outsider will help you gain a clearer and more objective point of view.
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  5. 5
    It's very difficult, but try to keep cool, calm and collected during these times.
    Temper tantrums will get you nowhere, if anything it will only make your relationship go down the drain faster.
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  6. 6
    Keep your mind and body active to divert your attention.
    Don't allow your self-esteem to become low. Remember who you are and your value as a person, with or without a partner.
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  7. 7
    Stop having the same conversation each and every time.
    Talk about other things with your partner, so both of you can still keep your sanity.
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  8. 8
    Know that even if one person started being unfaithful, it takes the two of you to make your relationship stronger and better than before.
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Your girlfriend has always been the moody, jealous and aggressive type

She always thinks you're cheating on her or flirting with every female you bump into, but you definitely are not. So how do you convince her otherwise?

  1. 1
    Know where she's coming from.
    Her worrying nature implies that she's dealing with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity and projecting it onto you. Consider that she may have been like this long before the two of you even met.
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  2. 2
    Gently try to find out about the history of her past relationships.
    Something very painful and traumatic must have happened to her years ago that made her regard love and intimacy with so much distrust and betrayal.
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  3. 3
    Go easy on her.
    If you find out the truth about her reservations, handle her vulnerability with caution. If she throws out all sorts of accusations or is even becoming aggressive, stay calm. Most likely she is scared and is merely trying to defend herself.
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  4. 4
    Denial is not the number one solution.
    If your girlfriend accuses you of cheating on her, don't use denial as your refuge. What you can do is allow her to voice out her thoughts and feelings about herself, and explore why she seems so insecure and unhappy.
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  5. 5
    Create an unbiased environment for both of you.
    If she's open to it, suggest that the both of you go through relationship therapy to better help you sort out your feelings and how you as her partner can help her feel more secured and reassured.
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You're seriously thinking about having an affair but you're not sure if it's going to be a big mistake. How can you make the decision?

  1. 1
    Remember, married or not, affairs always have huge consequences so make sure you think about it long and hard before you make your final decision.
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  2. 2
    Visualize what can be the worst probable outcome of this and how you plan to cope with it when does happen.
    For instance, how will you react if you not only lose your marriage (in case you are), but everything that goes with it as well, like custody of your kids, your home, etc.? Will you consider this catastrophic or do you think it will all be worth it for this affair?
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  3. 3
    Sort out your own feelings.
    Are you absolutely sure that the affair you are going to have is not short-lived or misguided? What are your real reasons for wanting this affair? If it has anything to do with your first relationship, can't you try and solve them first? If you cannot solve them, why are you still in the relationship in the first place?
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  4. 4
    End the first before going on to the next.
    Save all parties from heartbreak by ending your current relationship if you really want to pursue the next. Something has to give, and you simply cannot have it all. Don't be greedy, selfish, stupid, or irresponsible. You think you'll never get found out? Sooner or later you will. So it's better to straighten things out before the whole thing blows up in your face.
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Now, back to the first question: How do you trust your boyfriend when he has previously cheated? It all depends on you, because you're free to make your own choices. The only problem now is determining which is the right one. Remember, married or not, consequences are involved, so make sure you're ready to face up to them. Good luck.

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