Tell your spouse that it's over
Edited by estrella sacragon, Lynn, Eng, Nuance and 1 other
As James Ingram's song goes, "There's no easy way to break somebody's heart". True enough. Breaking up with your partner can be a very daunting task.
After all, no one is really comfortable with that task, especially when they are aware that the person they are about to break up with, will be heart-broken.
A breakup can really be painful. In fact, a lot of people will say that inflicting emotional pain on your partner has more long-term effects than any other kind of abuse. Relationships and marriages may seem like the most romantic and happiest love stories of all time; however, they do have their negative sides too. As elevated as you can feel when you're in love, is as low as the depths of your emotions can plunge when you receive the heartbreaking news that it's over. This can be the saddest and most hopeless times in your lives. The truth is, no relationship is perfect, and it is more likely your relationship will end, than last forever.
At least once in your life, there will come a time when it's you that has to end a relationship that is no longer harmonious or satisfying. For whatever reasons you have for ending your relationship, and regardless of whether you are the one ending it, or someone else ends it, it is difficult and emotional.
- 1 How to Tell Your Spouse it's Over
- 2 The Importance of Marriage Counseling Before a Divorce
- 3 How to Tell Your Partner You Want a Divorce: Breaking it Gently
- 4 Tips for Dealing with an Unreasonable Ex
- 5 How to Make Your Ex Understand About Divorce
- 6 How to Run Away from your Ex
- 7 Other Signs Your Marriage is Crumbling
- 8 Questions and Answers
- 9 Comments
How to Tell Your Spouse it's Over
Faced with the decision to end your relationship, how do you tell your spouse that everything you have built together as a couple is over? Here are some helpful tips.
- 1Once you have decided you want your relationship to end, be firm. Make sure you have a good explanation why you want to end the relationship, because the first question you'll be asked is, why? It's a very cruel thing to keep someone guessing, or leave them hanging, and worse, to leave without explaining yourself. Remember that the person you are trying to leave is a big part of your life, and you are going to shake their life up by your decision. The least that you can do is to give the respect due them even if you have already decided to leave them.Don't beat around the bush.Advertisement
- 2Be as honest as you can be, without devastating your spouse. Do not make lame excuses far from the truth, because it will only complicate things in the future. Nothing beats telling your spouse the truth so that you both can move on and live separate lives smoothly, without leaving questions unanswered. If you're worried that telling the truth will only hurt your partner even more, have the consolation that the truth is better than a lie. No matter what the reason, if you just got tired of your spouse because he or she is boring - you have to share with them your issues, even if it's to make them better in their next relationship. Just make sure you do not sound overly rude in telling these things to them; otherwise you will only add insult to injury.Be honest.Advertisement
- 3After you break up with your spouse, do not be a tease, and never play with their emotions and feelings. Bear in mind that by the time you call it "quits", your spouse's heart will be vulnerable. Avoid being too mushy and too nice because your partner may misconstrue things into believing that you still have feelings for them.Proper closure.
A separation is painful. But it is even more painful to stay in a relationship that is no longer a harmonious and happy one. So do what else are you supposed to do to spare yourself from enduring the pain of staying with someone you are no longer happy with.
The Importance of Marriage Counseling Before a Divorce
Married couples normally have relationship problems, and while most couples try their hardest to patch things up and hopefully save their marriage, there are those who think divorce is the best solution to their marital problems. Still, it's important for couples to seek marriage counseling before they actually jump into a divorce. Couples may seek the help of a marriage counselor to guide them through resolving their partnership issues, and hopefully build a happier and more harmonious marriage. Today, with almost half of all marriages in the US ending in divorce, a lot of couples are now faced with problems serious enough for them to seek the right marriage counselors. Below is some information about marriage counseling and divorce.
What do marriage Counselors Do?
Typically, marriage counselors are people trained in addressing all kinds of marital and relationship issues. The most common problems include issues with finances, children, communication, household responsibilities, infidelity, drug addiction, alcoholism, in-laws, romantic or sexual issues, intelligence and cultural differences, and abuse.
How Can a Marriage Counselor Help You?
Marriage counselors are schooled and trained in psychoanalysis and dynamics. They are trained to help their clients work out their problems and help couples come up with mutually beneficial solutions and compromises.
- 1That way, the couple can learn to get to know each other all over again and optimistically save the marriage.Say for instance, if a couple has eventually grown apart because of their very hectic schedules, thus making it very hard for them to spend quality time together, a marriage counselor might suggest a date night - a time the couple set aside, maybe every Friday night, or Sunday afternoon, to spend with each other.Advertisement
- 2If a couple is constantly bickering with each other over finances, the marriage counselor might tell the couple to find out a way where both can share an amenable decision making on spending, or help them make a reasonable budget.
- 3Marriage counselors often hear couples say "We just can't communicate anymore. We always end up fighting". Marriage counselors will offer conflict resolutions, and teach the couple communication strategies. Communication plays a very critical role in achieving healthy and harmonious relationships.There are lots of therapists who specialize in dealing with problematic married couples, and they are specially trained to help each spouse open their lines of communication.
- 4A marriage counselor will be able to pinpoint underlying marital problems, that the neither of the couple is aware of, or at the very least, cannot deal with on their own.
- 5Instead, these helpful professionals strive to teach their clients to come to terms with their situation, work through their particular issues, get over negative feelings, and accept their past so they can easily move forward.A skilled marriage counselor will not assign blame or guilt for marital issues.
- 6Why wait for things to get worse, when you can still save your marriage with the help of marriage counselors?When you and your spouse first notice problems, it's best to contact a professional marriage counsellor as soon as possible.
How to Tell Your Partner You Want a Divorce: Breaking it Gently
Marriage is considered one of the most sanctified processes, since
it entails the unification of man and woman as husband and wife. However, due to various reasons, marriage may end up in divorce, and as a matter of fact, it is quite common.
There are people who question the emergence of divorce in the law, yet it is really up to couples how they spice up their relationship to defy divorce. If both parties know that being together is just one big joke, however, then divorce is probably the soundest solution.
According to those who have already undergone the process, the hardest thing is telling their spouse they want a divorce. That being said, there are a lot of people in unhappy marriages asking, "How can I break the news gently?" Of course, even though they want to end the heartache, they still want to make sure that everything will go as smoothly as possible, without complications. Here are some ways to tell your spouse about the impending divorce:
- 1Don't break the news to your spouse in the midst of an argument, as your spouse will most likely think you're just upset and saying these things in the heat of an argument. Put aside some time to tell them. Work out what you want to say, and above all else, remain calm.Put aside some time.Advertisement
- 2Unless your spouse is really abusive, both parties need to be present for this conversation. Pick a neutral, private place, both feel comfortable in. According to Sam Marguiles, divorce expert and author, when talking about divorce, both should eliminate distractions, and turn their cellphones off. Do not do any of the following, because they are unforgivable.This is a conversation that must happen face to face.
- Text your spouse it's over.
- Call your spouse telling them it's over.
- Email your spouse letting them know it's over.
- Send someone to tell your spouse it's over.
- Wait too long, and tell too many people, so they do not hear it from you, they hear it from someone else.
- 3As explained by Marguiles, how you ask for a divorce, and the way you approach the entire thing, may determine how difficult the process will be, and the result. When breaking the news, the person must be kind, direct, confident, and calm.Prior to talking, whoever is asking for the divorce should know what they are going to say before beginning the conversation.
- 4As explained by Dr. Gail Saltz, who's a psychiatrist at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, both parties should acknowledge their failures and their faults. In order to prevent the spark of heated discussions, the one who wants a divorce should not blame his or her partner, and he or she should avoid making comments about the other party's deficiencies or mistakes.It's also crucial to make sure that the decision to ask for a divorce is final and that the person is determined to do so.
- 5According to Dr. Saltz, you cannot control your spouse's reaction; you can only control what you do. There will be many emotions, such as hurt and anger, as well as shock. Give your partner time to speak his or her mind. Listening without interrupting the other party is also a must, and encouraging the "receiver of the news" to express his or her feelings is also important. Listening also means, hearing.Remain in control.
- 6Thus, the "news breaker" should give the other party time to accept the decision. At a later time, both parties may discuss the divorce process. During the first conversation about the divorce, both parties should not talk about practical aspects, like who's going to get the house or any of the belongings. There must be a reassurance that the "breaker of the news" aims for a fair and peaceful process. It's as crucial to have a healthy divorce as it is to have a healthy marriage, most especially if the couple has kids.When it comes to divorces, both parties should expect there will be future discussions.
Tips for Dealing with an Unreasonable Ex
So what comes first in your mind when you hear the word 'unreasonable'? In most cases, you may think only of two types of unreasonable people: bitter ex spouses and hungry or sleepy babies or toddlers. Both of them display similar behaviors and characteristics including tantrums, screaming about something very minor, stubbornness, complete inability to reason, or yelling about anything and everything that comes into mind.
If you have not yet experienced being with a toddler but you do have a very unreasonable ex spouse, then consider yourself ready for parenthood! So how do you deal with a very unreasonable ex spouse? Here are some three helpful suggestions.
- 1Redirecting is a classic way to deal with toddlers, but also works on grown-ups. When your ex calls you and starts demanding that you pay for half the summer camp dues, redirection is the secret. To do this, why not try to pop back and say, "Oh my, I forgot to tell you. We can try switching weekends in April. Do remind me again about that, okay? Geez, have to go. Just text me that date and I'll be more than willing to switch. Bye!" You see? The summer camp money is totally forgotten and you have yourself some good credit for switching weekends. A win-win situation, no doubt.Redirecting.
- 2When you notice your kids getting unruly, the latest punishment of choice is the "time out". For instance, if your little girl throws a fit because she can't get the Barbie doll she wants, put her in a time out for three minutes. You can make her sit on a special chair so she can think about what she has done. And while you hope your princess will make better choices in the future, chances are, she is still going to throw a fit again next week. As with your ex, you have seen this behaviour before, and you know you are going to see it again. You shouldn't have to tolerate this behaviour - not from your child nor your spouse. This is where the time out comes into play. "John, I am sorry but I honestly don't like that way you are talking to me. I am hanging up now. Call me back when you feel you are ready to talk in a more productive manner. Until then, leave me alone." And then you simply hang up.Time out.
- 3When your ex spouse starts nagging you for the lamest reason, just ignore. Tell them that you will not speak to them until they call you without screaming your name over the phone and when they stop being so unreasonable.Ignore.
How to Make Your Ex Understand About Divorce
Divorce is very common these days. Although things change as time passes, no one really expects everything to remain the same. Compared to now, divorce cases 50 years ago were completely different animals. Today, it has become more common because it has also become more socially acceptable and is generally consider a healthier and more likely, the best solution for unhappy marriages.
Divorce can be easily obtained these days. However, before you finally go through with severing your marriage legally, it is important that and your ex evaluate things because with divorce, there is very little chance of turning back. So here are some important details that you should considering before going for a divorce.
Is this the Right Thing to Do?
- 1The primary thing to think about is, the right thing for whom? When you are contemplating a divorce, maybe you feel like you are left with no other option. However, you should also factor in some important people in the situation. Think about your children. The effect of divorce on them should be weighed carefully against the effect of raising them in a possibly dysfunctional home. You should also think about how this will affect your spouse.This is a very big question and will mean different things to different people under different situations.
- 2There comes a time when you must decide whose needs are the priority. If you consistently answer that everything is for your own, then no doubt, divorce is the right thing at this point in time, for you.Can you live with how this will affect them?
What are your Expectations?
In most cases, humans live in some sort of a fantasy world. They tend to believe that if only they weren't stuck in a loveless relationship, or if only they were married to the right person, if they could only find their one true love and achieve their own happy-ever-after ending. However, the more experienced you are with relationships and love, the more you start to realize that intimate relationships are a vehicle of sorts to help you determine the real character of a person. If you notice abuse in your marriage, or in various situations where deception is already taking place, then no doubt divorce is the only possible scenario at this time .
How will your Life Improve?
A lot of people contemplating a divorce have these fantasies about having better lives afterwards. You tend to believe that if only you are free from the abuse that binds you to this person, you'd be free and carefree while pursuing your true fulfillment and happiness. Of course this feeling is understandable, but, you have to be extra cautious, as it's not always the way it works, and it might just be a fantasy. Make sure your ideas of achieving a better life have a real chance of happening in this real world.
How to Run Away from your Ex
Not all marriages are made in heaven and laid on a bed of roses. For a marriage to be a happy and harmonious one, it takes a considerable amount of work. For many couples, giving up on a marriage is never a consideration. However, as divorce becomes more socially acceptable and so easy to obtain, getting out of marriage is what most unhappy couples normally, often without putting the work into their relationship. If you are no longer happy with your spouse, there is no reason for you to stay and continue living a miserable life. Here are some signs you need to consider to help identify if it is about high time to run away from your ex.
- 1If there is constant bickering and unending disagreements between you and your spouse, this is a definite sign that your marriage is not doing well. Abusive behaviour and disrespect is also an indication you are living in an unhappy marriage. There are some couples that resort to name calling, saying hurtful and vulgar things to each other, and bringing up past issues just to hurt the other. While some are verbally or emotionally abusive, others are physically violent. A marriage full of disrespect and any form of abuse should tell you it's time to start packing your things and making plans to get away you're your spouse.Frequent arguments and disrespect.
- 2When you realize you no longer communicate with each other effectively. If either of you made the decision to decided to stop communicating, this is a clear indication of unhappiness in the marriage. While some couples resort to getting into arguments or verbal bashings, there are some who abruptly stop communicating and start to distance from each other. When there is a complete breakdown of communication, and you realize you're keeping yourself busy just to avoid dealing with your spouse, it's time to consider leaving.Lack of communication.
- 3When the marriage is on the verge of separation, most couples end up becoming too secretive about their personal activities. For example, you notice your spouse moving away from you for private phone conversations, or they switch off their mobile phones when you are around, or they don't answer calls, or smile, when they read texts. When you notice you're beginning to create separate lives, separate social circles, it's an obvious sign of a failing marriage. When your partner or you begins to dream of a life without the other...it's over.Lying and keeping secrets from each other.
- 4If you notice your spouse is spending most of their time with friends instead of you, your marriage is obviously in trouble. Your spouse may even find excuses to work late just to avoid being with you. Extended working hours, frequent trips made by either spouse, more time spent with friends separately, these are all signs that you should start contemplating leaving your spouse.No time together.
Other Signs Your Marriage is Crumbling
When you are in a relationship but you are no longer happy about it, look for the tell-tale signs it's over. This is when you are at the crossroads, and need to make a decision whether is time to leave, or time to roll up your sleeves and give it a good shot. Here are a few signs your marriage is probably beyond salvaging.
- 1You used to have date-night. Every Friday night you'd spend quality time with each other - for years. Now, you can't remember the last time you did this, nor can you remember why you stopped. When you suddenly realize you've stopped behaving as a couple, you can pretty much tell that the relationship is going down the drain.No more dates.
- 2Have you lost the art of communicating? Does he listen to you offering only the occasional grunt, or nod? Anybody can tell a happy couple that is still in love, or at least interested in each other enough to listen to each other, and care what the other person's saying. The art of listening is to actually "hear." If you notice that you and your spouse are just sitting silently together while you dine, this is a clear sign that the spark of the love is wearing off, and it may be time to take a good look at your relationship.No more conversations.
- 3Romance is difficult to maintain, and dies a little or a lot over time. That's normal. But if you can't remember the last time you got flowers, or she cooked that special dinner you love so much, or when you danced in the kitchen, you need to look at your relationship and try to figure out what's going on.No more romancing.
- 4If you notice that both you and your partner spend more time apart, and it doesn't bother you a bit, this is a bad sign in your marriage. When it feels as if your emotions have dissolved, and you are more repelled by your spouse than excited...when the quirky things you used to smile at now make you angry - you need to think about leaving.More Time Apart.
- 5Yes...sex. When is the last time you made love? Need I say more?Sex.Advertisement
Questions and Answers
I need to escape from alcoholism and abuse, but he thinks we're moving together - but we're not. I'm afraid to tell him, but he needs to know it's over.
I need to tell my spouse that we're not moving to the new home together. I've taken steps to be sure he isn't welcome in the retirement community. They said "We don't want drunks or abusers here, but I fear him. He just totalled our car 2 nights ago. He was very abusive when he came home to tell me. Should I just put aside my fears and say "You're not moving on with me". I have tried: 30 years of abuse. I think it was caused by: Alcoholism
Listen to me. This is a very crucial time and if he's abusive, I don't think you should tell him. He won't be suspicious that you are packing, but you need to pack his and yours separately. If you are afraid of him, do not let him know where you are moving. Pick a time he's going to be away from home for several hours, or send him on a chore that will last that long. Have a bunch of friends and family waiting for you to tell them he's left the house, and have them help you get everything out of there, and into your new place in that amount of time. I want you to think about the most abusive this man has ever been with you, because when abusive men are told it's over, he'll be twice as bad, and you need to be very aware of that. Wishing you the best of luck.
How and when do I tell my wife our marriage is over?
I moved out of the marital home about 2 months ago after 6 months of personal counseling (went alone as my wife refused to join me) then 4 months of marriage counseling (after I told her I thought our marriage was broken and I needed some space). We have 2 kids (1 and 3) and spend most of our time bickering in front of them. It's been really tough decision. I have made my decision but she still believes we can fix it.
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Categories : Marriage
Recent edits by: Nuance, Eng, Lynn