Tell if He Is Still in Love with His Ex - 15 Sure Signs

Edited by Donna, Eng, Inukshuk, Jojelyn and 12 others

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The Good And The Bad About A Boyfriend Who Still Sees His Ex

The fact that your boyfriend still gets along with his ex can be both good and bad. A man who is friendly with the woman who came before you may demonstrate he has the ability to forgive and forget. Perhaps it reveals his positive attitude toward life and love in general, and the fact that you don't get upset when he sees his ex, reveals your trust in him.

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However, there are some situations when suspicion (he comments on tons of her Facebook photos), progresses to a justified fear (she is texting him at 1:00 a.m. and he is hiding the messages from you), that may cause you to question if he is still in love with his ex.

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Is There Really Something Going On Or Are You Just Jealous?

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You might have a ring on your finger, declarations of love and he may already be a fixture in your life, but you still have this nagging suspicion that he would rather be with her.

It's difficult to distinguish between those moments of paranoia that they might get back together, and disturbing intuition, punctuated by a bunch of red flags, that that tells you in his heart, you are his second choice. Bear in mind that he does not have to be actively seeing her, or even talking to her, to still be in love with her. The signs that he's not over her might be evident in his behavior toward her, his lifestyle choices, or in by the way he treats you.

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Here Are 15 Signs He Is Still In Love With His Ex

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  1. 1
    All About Her
    .
    Does he steal special moments by talking about her and the past. If he sabotages good times by piping up with a story about having exactly the same, or similar, or worst, better experience with his ex? If the story becomes a rambling memoir that he cannot stop himself from telling, and at the end of the tale, he releases a wistful little sigh. He is probably still in love with her.
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  2. 2
    There's a Very Fine Line Between Love & Hate
    .
    Does he talk about her with too much emotion. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. If your guy talks about his ex with sadness and sorrow, as if he misses her, or if your guy talks about his ex with anger and bitterness, as if he resents her...he's probably still in love with her.
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  3. 3
    Comparing You to Her
    .
    Does he compare you to her way too often? When he does, do you feel as if ex is his ideal, and he secretly worships her, and nothing you do can live up to her? These kinds of comparisons are insensitive and demonstrate his inability to move forward with a new woman. You just might wake up one morning very soon, to realize you are in a rebound relationship, and he's not there for the long term. Even if the comparisons he makes puts her in a negative light, it's still not a good sign because he's still obsessing about the past in an unhealthy way. Either way, these constant comparisons indicate he's probably still in love with her.
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  4. 4
    She's The First to Know
    .
    Does he rob you of celebrating the milestones of his life by telling her the good news first? If every time something wonderful happens in his life, you are the second to find out. If she knows about his promotion before you do and announces it on Facebook before he even tells you. If she is the first person he thinks of to tell of a death or birth in the family. If you feel she enjoys her position in his life, and she is taking your relationship hostage. The worst " if you feel he betrays your confidences by discussing them with her, he's probably still in love with her.
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  5. 5
    What Does She Think
    ?
    Does he still look for her approval before making a big decision or making a change in his life? Does it feel as if he still needs his ex's approval, and he's involving her in every life decision he makes, including the one to take your relationship to the next level? If he insists the two of you meet, and you feel as if it's more of a chance for her to measure you up in order to counsel him on your relationship, he's probably still in love with her.
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  6. 6
    Password Protected
    .
    Does he hide his texts from her from you citing privacy? A man who hides texts from his ex, is probably saying things to her that are inappropriate and would make you question his loyalty. He may make the argument that what goes on between them is none of your business or private, however, if openness and honesty about his communications with other people are not part of your relationship, then you might want to consider why he has such an excessive need for personal privacy in the first place, and if that's a trait you can tolerate in a long term partner. If he's secretive about his ex, he's probably still in love with her.
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  7. 7
    He is still in contact with her, but he doesn't want you to ask questions about her, and if you do ask questions, they go unanswered
    .
    Often, if he's keeping information about his ex to himself, he secretly believes there's a chance they'll get back together, and he doesn't want you to know too much about her, or know her. It also, in his mind, curbs suspicions you may have about her. Of course this doesn't actually work, and in fact, increases suspicion, but he doesn't know that. If he believes that not answering your questions about his ex will save you from disappointment, he's probably still in love with her.
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  8. 8
    In a Relationship With
    ?
    Are you still waiting for him to update his Facebook relationship status to being in a relationship with you? A man who refuses to update his Facebook relationship status with your name may still be trying to protect the feelings of an ex or even actively cheating with her. He might even tell you he doesn't want to announce his commitment to you on social media because it might upset her. If he puts his ex's feelings before yours, he is not committed or loyal and you have every right to be suspicious of his behavior. He's probably still in love with her.
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  9. 9
    Harmful Flirting
    .
    Is your guy flirting endlessly with his ex on Facebook or other social media. Facebook is ultimately a publicity tool and when two people decide to flirt with each other on each other's wall for the general public to see then you can safely conclude that your current boyfriend does not have much respect or consideration for you, and neither does his ex. They deserve each other! He's not only still in love with her, but he's a real jerk!
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  10. 10
    Who's She With
    ?
    Does he seem jealous of his ex's new partner? This is a huge red flag and does not bode well for your relationship. It might be time for you to suggest he follow his heart's desire rather than string you along any longer, because he's probably still in love with her.
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  11. 11
    You Feel Like A Pawn
    .
    Does he try to use you to make her jealous? You might be invited to the same dinner party, or the two of you might just bump into her by chance, but when in the presence of his ex, does he suddenly become overly affectionate, pulling your body into his, perhaps kissing you awkwardly? He might be using you as a tool to make her jealous. If you feel it's not so much about demonstrating to her how wonderful his life is, but more about a maneuver to get her back into his arms, he's probably still in love with her.
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  12. 12
    Too Touchy
    .
    Do they touch each other when they talk? Kiss and hug when they greet each other? If your boyfriend and his ex are physically affectionate in front of you, then there's a chance they are both still into each other. He can claim it's "just innocent", or "just a joke", but the bottom line is this - neither of them has any regard or respect for you. If he laughs at any accusations, calls you jealous or insecure or belittles the fact that you're upset, he is putting her first. It is high time you let go of this one before he embarrasses you any further. He's probably still in love with her, as well as being an insensitive jerk.
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  13. 13
    It's Not In Your Head
    .
    He gaslights you if you find evidence of infidelity. When men tell their women that their suspicions or fears are all in their heads, it's called Gaslighting. This term comes from the 1944 thriller Gaslight, about a man who slowly manipulates his wife into thinking she is crazy, doubting her own perceptions and memories, so no one will believe her claims that her husband is trying to kill her. Whether they're aware of it or not, men who cheat, or still seeing their ex, practice a version of this by telling their partners they are just jealous, unstable or even crazy to imagine a disloyalty or an affair. He may tell her that she is obsessed with his ex and not him. If this is your situation, get out now. He's not only still in love with her, he's a cheat, and a manipulative creep.
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  14. 14
    Love The One You're With
    ?
    He treats you as an option rather than a choice. When a man is in love with a woman he does not allow intrusive influences of any kind to interrupt the peace, bliss, and security of his relationship. He shows his total commitment and loyalty to that woman and she must feel like she is #1, If you feel like #2, or one of many options, then it is time to find someone who has more respect for you. He's probably still in love with her, or maybe just himself.
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  15. 15
    Emotional Betrayal
    .
    Does his behavior toward his ex feel like emotional infidelity? If you're caught in a situation where his attitude toward his ex put you in a very uncomfortable position? Does his behavior change for the better when he's around her? Do you watch his eyes, and wish he'd look at you that way? When he's with his ex, do they share jokes that you are not included in? All these things point to emotional infidelity. This public betrayal of loyalty in is humiliating and shows that she still has his heart, and he's probably still in love with her.
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If He's Really Over Her

  • There shouldn't be a reason for him to talk about his ex, although mentioning her once in a blue moon is okay. She was part of his life.
  • He should never make you feel he'd rather be with her instead of you.
  • A man who is over his ex does not emotionally dwell on the past when he's with you.
  • If he is free and clear of his ex, he will be happy when she finds happiness with someone else, not jealous.
  • He makes you feel as if you are a priority in his life, and no one comes before you.
  • He may still be in touch with her. It's not awful that they'd still be friends. But you don't feel threatened by their relationship.
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Women should remember that what you tolerate is up to you". Don't ever let anyone have that much power over you...not him, or his ex. If you resonate with one or more of the above 15 signs, get out with your dignity intact. Don't wait until you are publicly humiliated by two people who apparently care very little about you. Love isn't like that. Love shouldn't ever make you feel that way. Find someone who makes you feel wonderful, and make them feel wonderful in return. If a third person can so easily come between you and your guy, you probably didn't have as good a relationship as you believed. If he comments on the 'drama' you've created, remind him the drama is all his.

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Questions and Answers

My boyfriend gets mad quite easily when we're discussing his ex-wife.

During our conversations, he has mentioned his current situation- that he doesn't have a proper job, unlike before when he earned a lot of money and could properly take care of his wife. He feels sorry for me because his situation is so different from the past. I have tried: Telling him that's why he is easily angered when talking about his ex-wife. He told me that even if I left him, he would never go back to his ex-wife. I think it was caused by: I think that he's still in love with his ex.

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Just stop bringing up his ex-wife. She is not in the picture and even though his financial circumstances have changed. he is dating you. The more you bring her up, the more damage you cause to your relationship. You would be angry and hurt if you felt he was comparing you to her all the time but he is not. Encourage him to resurrect his career but do so in a manner that does not bring up his past life. When you talk about his ex, all he hears is FAILURE.

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Hi, what do I do with my new partner and his contact with his ex wife (not ex as yet)?

Your article has been very helpful answering some questions. I have been seeing a man for 9 months, his wife has her first affair 4 years ago but he 'would have walked to the end of the earth' (his words) to save the marriage of 25 years. She eventually ended it, and 2 months after he started dating me. I am now starting to feel that he is not in fact over her and I am the 'stand in' or 'rebound'. He said he will always stay friends with her. They still have the same friends, he goes out and about with her family, and she asks me all the time (we have never met). Still, friends on Facebook and she regularly post memories of the 2 of them. Every single conversation there is a mention of her, he does not compare me to her, but I have figured it out that they speak almost daily, if not speak then text. I have brought this up and he says 'she says we will never get back together'. I don't get a straight answer about his feelings towards her.. My question; I think I know the answer, do I wait until all the financial side has been settled in the hope this will change things? Or am I kidding myself? He is a great guy, but I think he is hung up on her, and she treats him horribly. Do I just end it?. I have tried: Giving him space and time Listening to him, any arguments with her, and conversation he has had with her.

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He started dating you fairly fast after the end of his 25-year marriage. You can't expect him to drop all mention of her when this is all he has known for the last 25 years. It is tough to determine if you are just a rebound. I would say you are more of a comfort to him during this time which might grow to something more. Just keep in mind that you are going to hear a lot about his ex because she is still in his social circle and a part of his life. With more time in your current relationship, he should begin to distance himself.

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Why would your ex-bf not tell the recent new girlfriend that he was in a long relationship that he just ended approx. 4 mo. ago while seeing both of us?

Actually, I am the ex-girlfriend, he broke up with me and was seeing her before he broke up with me. She does not know that I was his girlfriend for 8+years. He has not told her. Why? I'm the recent ex-girlfriend. Found out that he is with the "co-worker" that he told me was "just a friend" and she is now his girlfriend.

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He is avoiding coming to get his Christmas presents which he has said he set a day but came the day before when I had other plans. Then told me he has a new girlfriend and wanted to know if I still wanted to see him on Thursday -which is tomorrow. I answered him yesterday the following: Lol- it would be nice to catch up. How did you feel when we finally talked (via cell phone)? Was it dreaded or felt comfortable? I enjoyed it and I got the feeling you might have too. (which he has mentioned via text he liked talking again) Are you still coming over Thursday? He has not replied. Why?

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To summarize, and keep this within the context of the article, it seems that you are, in a round-about way asking if your boyfriend is still in love with you. It also seems that you are assuming that he did not tell her about you, or that he was seeing both of you at the same time because he was intending to return to you. Unfortunately, it is more likely that he was trying not to turn the new girlfriend off by making any type of reference to you. Also, nothing pops the romantic bubble of new love faster, then telling her all about your last relationship and how he was have sex with her too.

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Here is also another conclusion to arrive at here, which is may think that he may think his relationship with you is none of her business and vice-versa. Furthermore, some people find the idea of cheating or keeping secrets from a lover sexually exciting.

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As for your final query, it is likely he is not coming over because he is trying to detach from you. The fact that he has lied to two women should also indicate to you that he is lying to you about liking hearing from you or wanting presents as well. If you have tried the thirty-day no contact rule, as you say you have, and this is the result (you chasing him) then it is time to let it go. This appears to be a man who is in love with his new girlfriend and not his ex.

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I am concerned my boyfriend of 12 years is reaching back to his wife?

When I met my boyfriend he said he was divorced ( it had been 8 years after his " divorce") when I met him. Within the first year, I discovered he was legally separated and they had indeed been apart for 8 years. This has always troubled me. I pressed him and he said when we moved in together he would get a solid divorce. Also within the 12 years, he rarely spoke with her. They have 2 boys together which he raised. Now within the last year, he speaks to her at least once a week. He is distant with me, and when I press him about it, he actually becomes angry. He has not gotten his divorce and I am perplexed. This sits very heavy on me, and he tells me I am crazy for thinking he would get back to her. Also, he updated his will, made her the executor and of course his sons are the beneficiaries as it relates to his sons I have no problem with that. But the executor part, adds to my worry. Any thoughts?

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Depending on the age of his children, their mother may be the executor because she is the other custodial parent. Do not read too much into that, as it is more about legality than love. As for the divorce, he should definitely file now. Perhaps he has not feelings for her but is not motivated to make any changes, but that is not a good indicator for your relationship's future. If his children are old enough that there are no custodial issues, and financially all debts are paid off from the marriage, this should be a simple divorce. Is his name still on property that he owns jointly with his wife? Could finances prevent him from filing? Instead of forcing the issue, nicely ask what is stopping him from filing for divorce. Let him know that you are not interrogating him but just want to understand what the reason is. Maybe he is speaking with his wife to get the divorce in process.

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Should I marry him, we have had a long distance relationship for 7 years?

I recently found paperwork that my guy has a will that was signed 3 years ago naming his ex-wife as beneficiary and her daughter. Looking back I was dating him then and he asked me to marry him, I haven't discussed what I found and really not sure what to do. I just know I've been through a lot and I don't want to walk in the same shoes again, when you know better, you do better.

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His ex wife is listed because she is the other custodial parent. After 7 years, you should be married and have immigration procedures started if you are from different countries. If you are from the same country, then you should be living together full time in the same location. He has asked you to marry him and you have spent 7 years of your life waiting for him to ask you, so make a decision. He is serious about you and the relationship or he would not have asked you to marry him.

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How will you know if he is really not emotionally attached to his ex?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for so many years now and anytime we try to talk about his ex he leaves my questions unanswered.He told me never to talk about her. However, I discovered recently that he still has her contact and still stays in touch with her even on social media. They exchange pictures too. I was able to read his chats with her and what I read was annoying. He used my money to buy her stuff. So I decided to break up with him but he is still saying it was urgent that is why he did that.He didn't even apologize but was defending himself. Well, he is the kind of guy that will let you believe him and trust him but at the end, he is someone else. I think he isn't really over his ex because anytime we talking about it, he says its nothing, then he goes back to doing the same thing

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Do they share a child together? Because that would be the only reason to keep a connection with an ex for many years. The fact that he used your money without speaking to you about it first, is a red flag. He was more concerned about his ex's financial issue than giving you the courtesy of consultation. If you are thinking of getting back together with him, the number one negotiated rule on reconciliation should be that he stops all contact with this ex. Trust has been damaged resulting in a breakup and you both will have to attempt to rebuild that.

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I asked my ex boyfriend if he loves me or not and why he hides many things like love with me?

At starting, he was very friendly but after some time many difficulties and misunderstandings created between us and I broke up with him then after 1 year. When I text him he responded but it was not very friendly. We met on Facebook. He loves me very much but he was very angry with me. I have tried: I texted him and want us to be back together but he was too angry why I broke up with him n he blocked me again. I think it was caused by: My friend misguided him and created an environment of misunderstandings between us

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You and he are currently still in the raw emotional part of a breakup. Texting him or messaging him on Facebook will have him blocking you because he is angry and hurt. You took the advice of your friends and ended the relationship with him so he is wounded that you trusted them over him. Give him some time before attempting to contact him again.

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Does he still like/love her, how do I know whats going on?

I heard his ex is obsessed with him, and he talks to her. I just want to know if he still likes/loves her. She always tries and messes with him. He doesn't want to talk to her, but he has to get her brother. He doesn't do anything in the article, but they might text on hangouts or snapchat. His friend sent me messages from him and his ex.

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His life is entangled in his ex's familial and social circles. He may not ever change this. So if you can't trust him or feel like there is a third person in the relationship, you should walk away. His friends are showing you messages and warning you that his ex is obsessed with him. This also means that it is not just you who is concerned about your boyfriend's interactions with his ex. Take their advice and speak with your boyfriend about how you feel pushed aside for his ex.

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Well, We have been together for over 3 years. They recently got divorced. He spent last weekend in a hotel with her cause they took their sons to Disney. He won't put me on Facebook and he won't let her see me with him cause he says it makes them fight and then he won't be able to see kids?

So I am just wondering if I am just the side woman and maybe their really having sex too and he lies about me to her and vise versa. Not sure!!! That is why I am hoping you will know. He always acts like the kids are the reason for him to act like we're not together.

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Have you met his children? Because after three years, you should have met them and become a part of their lives if even a small portion. Not adding you to Facebook is another red flag. You have dated him for three years so this should no longer be a secret to his ex wife. Now that the divorce is final, there should be a standing custodial order with that divorce. His ex can't restrict his custodial visits structure without court intervention. You need to tell him that you have spent three long years in the shadows of his life. Now that he is finally divorced, he owes it to you in terms of no longer hiding the relationship. If he still will not do that, it is time to consider breaking up with him because you will always be second to his ex wife.

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How can I know if my suitor is still in love w/ his ex?

I have a suitor now. He's newly break-up with his ex who cheated on him. We're at that stage of getting to know each other. I know that it's still a fresh breakup, but he told me that he has no feelings for her. That he's very in love with me already. But sometimes I get confused. There's a time that I feel he's not excited to chat with me, but when we're together he's so clingy. He's ex is always posting on Facebook like she's regretting what she did to him. I'm so afraid that he might fall again to her and soon he will leave me dumbfounded. Please give some piece of advice. When we talk about her he gives me a sigh and tells that not that topic again. I have tried: I go to a place where he and his friends are there. I think it was caused by: Maybe because the girl is still posting on Facebook.

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Your best course of action is to put this whole relationship on hold for now because you are too insecure to handle what his ex is posting on Facebook. The fact that what she has so much power over you and is determining how you perceive this new relationship is an indication that you don't trust him. Your best first course of action is to tell him that you can't handle what she is posting and that you are going to block them both and move forward and find a new partner. If he really does love you, he is going to block her and reassure you and then he is going to do whatever it takes to get you back.

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How to know if he is cheating on me or lying to me?

We are in a relationship since 4 years, before me he had 4 girlfriends. We met 8 years ago but never spoken with each other. We chatted over the phone for few times, he asked me to come out. I don't know why but for some unknown reasons we came close, sometimes we used to speak after 8 months, that too, he called me maybe after his breakup. He broke up in 2011. We got hitched after that only. I know his Facebook password so time to time I used to see his messages, at that time it was huge. He used to call her, talk with her, but she never did. Time went today only I saw his messages on Facebook. We were about to get married but I dropped the plan. They dated for 1 year and their conversation is single sided, he used to message her like hi, how are you doing, happy birthday etc., but it bothers me because he never said that he messages her and this is my problem. I don't know.I need help.

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It doesn't matter whether he is cheating or not because this relationship is making so you feel so insecure that you just wrote the words "I need help." over twenty times on my message board. The fact that you are snooping around in his Facebook, looking for evidence that would incriminate him is evidence that you don't trust him in the first place. there are some men that have behaviors that generate suspicion because they are players or are emotionally unavailable. He should be able to reassure you that your future is in place. If you don't want to break up with him, your next move would be to ask him to remove her from any Facebook or messaging lists. If he doesn't comply then it means he has no concern for how much this is distressing you. It's also clear that you need to see a therapist or seek professional counseling to investigate why this bad relationship has had so much power over you in the first place.

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What does it mean if my boyfriend keeps on telling stories about his ex's?

He keeps on telling stories about his ex's. I'm so much hurt, but I didn't show that I'm in pain.

He is not intentionally hurting you. Instead, he feels comfortable enough with you to relay his stories or regrets from the past. The ex may also be someone who was there for a large portion of his life. Don't read too much into it, but you could tactfully tell him that you do not wish to dwell on the past but instead look towards the future.

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How do I know a Man loves me after 30 years of being apart? Can we reunite? Have we both changed since we are no longer young people but mature people?

My problem can we reunite? What are the signs for us to reunite again? Not sure. But here it is. You had a relationship. It gets broken. After many years you come back together. You realize you still like the man. He had actually kept your things and gives them back. You wonder. But from that long time experience, you are not very sure if he is serious?

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Take the reunion slowly. Even though you dated 30 years ago, you are correct that you both have changed. This means that he may still have many of the qualities you liked from his youth but he now has adult baggage and experience from the past 30 years. Start off by meeting for coffee or dinner several nights a week but do not jump into anything serious until you are sure that you are not hoping to correct mistakes in the past instead of building a future.

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How to know if he's telling me the truth about not still being in love with her?

He lived with her in the past and I thought I understood that it was over. Now I have seen text and he lies about being with her. He just told me last night that he was in love with me and that what they had blown up and didn't last. In my gut, I just don't believe him but I am in love with him. He has even almost called me her name in conversation and lied about it. I am almost ready to just say goodbye. I have been seeing him for about 3 years. now. I am just afraid that I'm going to be devastated in the end. Not as blatant as in the article I don't think. Most of the instances in the article differ from what I have experienced.

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If he has dated you for 3 years, then he is over his ex. Does he share a child with his ex or a business? If not, then there should be no contact between them. If he does not respect how uncomfortable it makes you, then he is not the one for you. Trust your gut. The fact is, you do not trust him. Either you get past those misgivings or move one.

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Is he over his ex? Is there a future for us? Am I just jealous or is there more to it?

Been in a relationship with A for 5 and a half years. We had to keep our relationship secret as he was partners in business with my boss and he needed time to explain to his children (24 & 26 years) why he got divorced and wanted to move out?? . . I now recognize the warning signals.....He did not get divorced due to our relationship, she had affairs and they were fighting constantly. He still lived with and supported her for a year and a half after they got divorced. I felt trapped at my current employment and got an opportunity to move to Cape Town. I informed him that I will be moving and that it will mean that we have to end our relationship, which broke my heart. He cried and came to me proposing. I did fall in love with him and was overjoyed that he felt the same... We told my boss and he made arrangements to move out and buy us a home. I moved in with him 4-months after he proposed. He cheated on me with his ex the first 4-months after I moved in. I was a total wreck and close on having a nervous breakdown. He said he loved me and that he needed to go through it to make an end to their relationship. I had to keep our engagement secret from everyone as he felt that his family is not ready yet. I actually broke the engagement after the first 4-months as it is embarrassing removing my ring, putting it on the other hand when we go out... He says he is over her but does not inform me of any of the happenings where she is involved in. Everything about her is kept secret. When we are at functions where she is, he stares at her all night. It is so hurtful and I feel that I will always be his second choice... Am I just jealous or is there more to it. Thank you... Kind regards, Sharon. He does not have physical contact with his ex anymore (so I believe), but on an emotional issue, I believe that she is still his wife in his thoughts. I have tried: Talking to him about how I feel. Talked to his sister about the situation, but did not include all the details. I wanted to meet her to talk to her in person, but he stopped me and said that she is cruel and I will only get hurt. I think it was caused by: He fell in love with her. He believes he cured her of anorexia by loving and supporting her. On the night they got married she told him that she does not love him and that her parents told her to choose him as he is the safe option. I think that for the past 28-years he has been trying to prove that he is better than the other men she wanted, been trying to win her love all these years.

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He had a very toxic relationship with his ex wife. He is someone who needs to be the "hero" in the relationship or "caretaker" so it is hard for him to turn off that role. Especially if you are independent, he may feel that you will not need him or stay with him. From what you have described, he is not over his past with his ex. While he may not love her, he has not officially let her go. He should not have asked you to marry him and then in the same breath tell you to hide the engagement. His children are adults and mature enough to handle their father moving on. It appears from the outside that he was trying to hide your relationship from his ex wife because he feels it is cheating whether he wants to admit it or not to himself. You have moved in with him, resettled your life for him. It is time to tell him to get over his past or you both have no chance of a future relationship.

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I'm dating a man who is still in love with his ex and it's driving me insane. HELP?

Hi, I'm currently dating a man and he's a wonderful guy, he really is. But he's still in love with his ex, he came right out and said it and now I feel super insecure in my relationship with him, he's busy most days and when he's around his ex always snags his attention, he's told me when he sees her it's like the first time.. I'm guessing this is a bad sign. I mean what do I do? I've fallen for him pretty hard, but I don't want to be someone's option. It feels like I'm his second choice. He's been into this girl for five years but he left her, explaining that she cheated several times and he says I'm good for him. I mean I want to be more than good for him, I want to be his first and only choice. His ex is also super inappropriate at times. Flirting with me and him and he does nothing. I'm losing my mind over this, I just want us back before she came back into his life. I'm scared to lose him but at this point, I'm worried about me. Am I overreacting? Not reacting enough? When I asked him to choose he said it might be fun to let her keep me company while he's busy. I personally find my relationship to be a disaster anymore. I love him but is he worth my own sanity? My jealousy and rage? I do whatever I can to make him happy but I'm risking myself in the process. I'm not good at relationships but when we were together before she came back it was perfect. We were in perfect sync, he read my mind most days and I enjoyed that, he stimulated my mind as well, he was smart and funny, charming and handsome. Now it's like I barely know him. I asked him to tell her off but he doesn't see the need.

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You will get over him. The good news is that he was honest with you about his feelings for his ex. The bad news is that he never will love you. Plan B is your relationship. No one wants to be a rebound but that is exactly what has happened to you. He sees no future with you so it is time for you to move on before you get in too deep. You deserve someone that focuses only on you.

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Should I be concerned about his relationship with his ex-wife?

My long distance boyfriend of two years (we are about a 3 hours drive apart) has been divorced from his wife for 17 years but has a college age son with her. They live across the country from each other, but when they visit their college age child or have to be in the other's city for business, they stay at each other's home. Honestly, I have accepted that (even though I don't like it). I realize they are trying to save money. However, if I ask him to tell her that I am looking forward to meeting her, he gets mad. He refuses to mention me to her and says there is no reason she and I should ever meet. He says he will love me forever and is committed to me, although he never wants to get married again. I asked if I would be invited to major events like his son's graduation and wedding. He said he couldn't answer that (with disgust in his voice). He also tells me that he and his ex have fun going out to ball games and restaurants (when they are staying with each other) but not as much fun as with me. I just think it is odd that he will not mention me. (She knows I exist. I have met their son a couple of times.) I think he does not want to risk making her mad (I think that's it), but I don't understand that avoidance. Their relationship is odd; even his family (parents and siblings) say it's odd (and that their brother is odd, lol). It feels like he has two separate lives, and it makes me annoyed. It's hard to consider ending the relationship because I love him, but honestly, it is not an easy relationship to be in. Am I making too much out of it? Mainly, I could not find a question regarding the boyfriend's refusal to mention me or to consider us (the ex-wife and me) meeting one day (at family events for their son such as a wedding, for example). They stay at each other's home to save money on visits, and I am not allowed to be there during those times. I have tried: I have tried talking to him. I have tried accepting it. (It still concerns me.). I think it was caused by: She put him through a lot during the divorce (but they are doing VERY well now), which explains why he does not want to marry again. However, I do not understand why I must not be mentioned and must stay away when she visits. I think he is concerned about making her mad, but I don't understand why that concerns him.

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Personally, I do not think that there is anything other than friendship going on between them. Yes, your boyfriend is hesitant to bring you around her but this sounds like it is only because finally, he is in a good space with his ex. Ultimately in regards to his son's events, it is up to the son whether you should be there or not. Your boyfriend has introduced you to his family and son and that is what matters.

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The discussion you should have with your boyfriend is possibly making plans to live closer to him. You may be "safe" for him because there is a physical distance which helps him feel better about the relationship. He may be not completely ready for a long term commitment of even living together but you both should have some future plan in place of where this relationship is going.

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What does his super fast, seemingly secret marriage mean?

I was in a 5 years LD relationship with a guy, but because of many factors, I didn't manage to fully commit to him. I was nearly there when he suddenly came up with the news he had a new girl, 20yrs younger than him, 10yrs younger than me. I think she's his rebound, I tried to take distance but he keeps contacting me via chat and we have great fun usually friendly sometimes flirty. And that stimulates me to contact him too. He says he talks a lot to her about me. A few times he called me drunk calling me sweet names. But now suddenly, he has known her only 6 months, he told me he is marrying her. I flipped and now we're out of contact. He is currently going through rough times due to family trouble so he's very stressed out. The weird thing is that he didn't post anything about her on Facebook (he unfriended me just after our breakup) and his closest friend doesn't even know about the wedding plans! What does this all mean? The ex is getting married to the rebound but in a really weird way. I have tried: We were chatting and getting closer, but as soon as I tried to talk about our own problems he just backs off. So I kept cool, slowly approaching but then suddenly there came this news. I think it was caused by: Since the breakup 6 months ago I tried to make clear that I am ready to commit, but as we're on LD we never had a proper chance to take the time and talk about it. It was always on chat. So I think he did not believe me that I really wanted to try and just gave up hope. I just wonder if he is not marrying for the wrong reasons.

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Whether he is marrying the new girl for the wrong reasons or not, you need to stay out of it. You invested 5 years into this relationship yet, just now are ready to commit. It appears for that perhaps you never really felt that this was the man for you. If he contacts you, do not respond. It is time for you to put him in your back view as you move forward with your life. Find someone that you can't imagine living without. Your ex is only interested in using you as a friend. For him to tell you that he was getting married shows his character. It was basically, emotionally slapping you in the face. Don't try to "save"/ get back together with him.

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