Tell Him You Have Kids
Edited by Kathy McGraw, Maria
There is good news for single mothers: According to an Associated Press survey taken in 2013, 80 percent of men indicated that they wanted children, whereas just 70 percent of women indicated that they felt the same. So, the odds are in your favor when it comes to finding a man who wants children. While you still face the challenge of weeding out the men who aren't interested in raising children that are not theirs biologically, you still have a much better chance than women who don't want children at all. However, the question remains:
How Do You Tell the Man You're Dating that You Have Kids?
While you don't have to tell every single guy you date about your children, you should tell the men you are interested in pursuing beyond that initial first date as soon as possible. It's for everyone's benefit to do so: his, yours, and your children's. And it's common courtesy, too.
- 1Just come out and tell him. Sometime during the date, you're going to be telling each other about yourselves, so just bring it up. You can say something like "I have three children from a prior relationship. How do you feel about that?"Be up front.Advertisement
- 2You can say something like "Oh, my daughter likes that show, too" or "My son loves carrots! He eats so many that his fingertips turn orange." This is a good way to introduce the subject without feeling like you're revealing some important truth to him.Casually mention your children in conversation.Advertisement
- 3He might immediately assume the reason you are asking, or it can lead to a further conversation on the subject, during which you can reveal that you have children yourself. Either way, the subject is out in the open, and you can know right then if this man is right for you.Ask him if he wants kids.
- 4Unlike the step above, asking him if he has kids is more likely to make him assume that you have kids. Again, whether it does or not, you will have your answer regarding his suitability for you.Ask him if he has kids.
- 5Another direct approach is to introduce to him to your children when he picks you up or at some point during that first date. While this method confronts the issue sooner rather than later, I don't suggest you do this because bringing a man into your children's lives, however briefly, is not a good idea unless he is going to stick around.Introduce him to your children directly.
- 6Since most of us carry our pictures in our phones these days, it is thankfully unnecessary to bring the family album along on your dates. Sometime during your date, casually open your phone and show him your kid's pictures. Either he'll think they're adorable, or he'll pretend interest in them, but in either case, you'll know if he is boyfriend material.Show him pictures.
- 7You don't have to feel guilty about wanting a life outside of your role as mother, and neither are you foisting yourself of single men in the hopes of landing a father for your children. You're just a woman looking for some companionship; if something else comes of it, then that's all to the good, but it is not your primary objective.Don't feel bad that you're a single mom.
What to Do if You Didn't Tell Him About Your Kids Before
Whether you never told him you had kids because the subject never came up, or you lied and told him you didn't have any when he asked about kids, know that he is going to be upset with you, and for a good reason. Regardless of his preferences on children, you will have started off the relationship on a false basis, and that's never a good thing. Your only recourse is to come clean with him and just tell him that you have children. He might decide to break up with you right away, or he may say he needs some time to think about what you've told him. If he asks for time, give it to him and wait it out. Some considerations about how to tell him include:
- 1Choose a time to tell him where you are both relaxed and neither of you has to be anywhere else. Don't save it for the end of an evening or tell him when he is tired, and if you're sleeping with him, don't tell him in bed.Pick the right time.Advertisement
- 2This is a conversation that needs to happen between the two of you and no one else. Doing so will allow you to keep things private and lessen the need for any face-saving gestures.Make sure that you are alone with him.
- 3The day you tell him you have children after keeping quiet on the subject or worse, lying about it, is not the time to introduce him to your children. Save that for another time.Never, ever involve your children.
- 4He has every right to be upset with you and to want to end the relationship right there, especially if you lied to him about not having kids.Remain calm and accept his anger.
- 5If he decides to continue the relationship, understand that you have broken his trust by not disclosing such a crucial piece of information about your situation, more so if you lied about it.Accept that you have to regain his trust.
- 6He has to be ready to meet them when he has processed all of his feelings about you concealing them from him. Don't force the issue.Let him bring up meeting your children.
- 7Don't introduce them using your home as the location; choose a neutral and safe place for the meeting to take place.Choose a time to introduce your man to your children.
I Don't Want Kids
When you come across a man who is not interested in a relationship with you because of your children, recognize that his views don't make him a bad person, or a mean one. Whether he never wants children, doesn't want them right now, or doesn't want to raise another man's children, his opinions and feelings on the subject are valid and ought to be respected.
At the same time, they don't reflect on your value as a woman or in your desirability to other men, so don't take it as such. While it's hard not to take a rejection for a relationship personally, try not to let it affect you. Accept that this particular man is not the right one for you and move on. You will find a man who is perfect for you and your children in time.
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Kathy McGraw