Save a Relationship from a Possible Breakup
Edited by Leomar Umpad, Charmed, Ephraim, Eng and 5 others
Do you feel that your relationship is on the verge of breaking? Do you want to save it but it seems that everything you do only makes the situation worse?
"Breakups can be emotionally devastating, or it can be a tender good bye to something that once was wonderful. Although a breakup might offer new opportunities and possibilities for better relationships, there's no doubt that it will cause some pain. If you are on the brink of a breakup, but you feel there's something there to be salvaged, keep reading for some insightful tips and suggestions.
- 1 Take Time for Reflection
- 2 Things To Do With Your Partner To Mend Your Relationship
- 3 Tips Tricks & Warnings
- 4 Questions and Answers
- 5 Comments
Take Time for Reflection
Thinking is the most important part of trying to mend or save your relationship. Before you doing anything irrational or extreme it's important that you take the time to reflect on your relationship, and consider ways to save it. This isn't something you should or can do in an hour, you need some time on your own to thing about the wonderful things about your relationship, things about it you could improve, and what are the risks in trying to salvage love. You need to think about what you both add to the relationship and what you both do to damage it. There are three aspects - you as an individual, your partner as an individual, and what you both become as a couple. Below are a number of things you can think about during this difficult time in your life.
- 1What happened?What caused your current relationship to take the wrong turn? By taking the time to think about what went wrong, you will be able to do your best to fix the situation. This will help you to better understand what not to do in the future.Advertisement
- 2Take ownership.What you might have done to cause the relationship to go wrong? Do this before thinking about what the other person has done to cause harm to the relationship. Decide whether it's something you can fix about yourself. Taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown of your relationship, might not save it, but it will put you in a better position to have a successful relationship in the future.Advertisement
- 3Consider your partner's responsibility.What part of the breakdown of your relationship is your partner responsible for? It won't help you save your relationship by criticizing them, but diplomatically helping them understand you are both responsible for the deterioration of what once was love. Don't confront your partner, but sit down together, and being as gentle as possible, discuss what is going wrong, and how you can both do things differently. Sometimes, this conversation goes smoother when you simply ask questions, rather than accuse. For instance - instead of saying telling your partner they were more romantic when you first started dating, ask them if they think they put as much into the relationship as they did in the beginning. This gives them the opportunity to realize how you might feel neglected. Often, when people are confronted with their faults, they become defensive, and a question alleviates this possibility.
- 4Positive and negative.It's important to consider the negative things, so you can both improve your relationship, but it's equally important to consider the wonderful, lovely, beautiful things. No relationship is all good. There are always bumps in the road. Be realistic about the good and bad things. Too often, people hang onto one act of kindness in a myriad of bad actions, while others focus on the negative, and forget the beautiful things about their relationship. Seek balance.
- 5Change is inevitable.How have you both changed from the beginning of your relationship? Sometimes people change together, and other times, people change in very different directions. Are the changes in both of you conducive to reviving and then maintaining a healthy relationship, or have you changed in ways that you are no longer compatible?
Things To Do With Your Partner To Mend Your Relationship
When it comes to healing, will need to sit down and talk to your partner about things dealing with the relationship. Below are a number of things you might want to discuss concerning your relationship, and whether it's worth saving, or you should end it civilly.
- 1Listen to your partner.Before putting everything on the table, and discussing what you think is wrong with your relationship, ask about your partner's opinions. Ask what they like about your relationship, and what they feel is not working. It's important that you have a sense of where your partner stands, before you launch into your issues. Whatever your partner has to say, be open to it. Let him/her finish their thoughts. Don't try to justify or make excuses - just listen to what your partner is saying, and how they are saying it.Advertisement
- 2Each of your opinions is valid.Remember that when your partner is talking, even if he has issues with you that you don't feel are your responsibility. The important thing in this moment is, for some reason, your partner feels this way, and it's up to you to find out why. Instead of becoming defensive about supposed wrongs you've done, how wonderful if it's just a misunderstanding.
- 3Be honest and gentle.Give your input on what you believe is wrong or has gone wrong in the relationship, but do so logically and gently. This is not the time for name-calling, yelling, or drama. Do not play the blame game, instead give your honest opinion on what the other person has done, and how it's making you feel, or what you've done that has hurt your partner during your relationship, and how it's made them feel.
- 4Inclusive.As you are talking about the things that aren't working, this is a good time to talk about all the things that are bothering you. Keeping them in, only makes them fester. You must, also, be willing to hear about the things that bothers your partner about you.
- 5Discuss the difficult things.Don't be afraid to bring up any infidelities in the relationship, whether you or your partner was at fault. It's important that the reasons for the cheating be discussed, and it's very important that you ask whether or not the affair has ended, and if you can expect the same behavior in the future.
- 6Bringing up the same past indiscretions over and over.Although this is annoying, there's usually a very good reason for this behavior. It almost always happens because the person who cannot let it go, hasn't felt heard or understood by their partner - or the apology was forced and lacking in sincerity.
- 7Can you fix this love?Speak with your partner about whether or not you two will want to be together in the future. If your partner cannot see you mending the relationship and moving forward to a better future, you need to accept that it's over.
- 8Can you work things out?Speak with your partner about if it is possible to work through the issues that have arisen in the relationship. If they are optimistic about succeeding at that, you can allow yourself some hope.
- 9Just ask.Take a deep breath and ask your partner if they're still in love with you. Be ready for an answer you may not want to hear. Love is a funny journey. Couples who've been together for a long time have been in an out of love during their relationship, but never have they stopped loving each other. That would be your second question.
- 10Decision time.Can these hearts be healed? Now's about the time you want to decide, with or without your partner, whether you are going to try make this crazy love thing work, or if it's over, and you'll go your separate ways.
- 11Accept.You should accept that both of you are not perfect and have made mistakes. Whatever the decision is, try to summon a little grace, especially, if the decision is to break up. Grace is so much better than resentment.
Is It Over?
There are often things left unsaid, or perhaps your partner isn't forthcoming with his or her feelings, and it's difficult to know exactly what they want. Here are a few indicators that your partner is pretty much done with your relationship.
- 2You set aside a time to discuss your relationship, and your partner doesn't show.
- 3Your partner says they are on the fence - undecided - not sure.This is usually a nice person, not wanting to hurt your feelings. The truth is, in this situation, honesty is best. A nice clean cut. On the fence shouldn't be good enough for anyone.
- 4Your partner doesn't say much during your discussion.
- 5Your partner yells, doesn't listen to you and is only interested in their opinion during your discussion.Even if they say they're still interested, is this the kind of partner you want?
- 6He doesn't look you in the eyes during the tough questions.
- 7He blames everything on you - again, he might not be finished but perhaps you should be.
Hurray! You're Going To Mend Your Relationship
You've decided to give it the old college try and make a go of it. This is the beginning of some hard work. Relationships take work, and mending one takes a lot of work. Some of the things you can do to fix your love. You'll need to both make amends and change the negative to positive.
- Share the discussion. Don't make all the plans yourself. Both of you should decide on a strategic plan to get you through this difficult time in your relationship. If only one of you takes action, it might be a pattern in your relationship that contributed to the difficulties you're facing now. Always make plans together.
- Do you need a counselor? Talk to your partner about whether you should see a counselor together. This activity has to be something both of you want to do, otherwise it's wasted time and money.
- Spread the love. Don't forget to share all the beautiful things that are sacred in your relationship. You won't go anywhere if all you're focused on is negative. It's important to remind each other what you see in each other, what brought you together in the first place, and what things you do for each other that are so important. The more you open up with your partner the more you learn about their true feelings, which will help to med your relationship.
- Compromise. Talk to your partner about things that you two can compromise on in the relationship. No one should always get their way. There will be things you will sacrifice, or hold back on to make your relationship work. That being said, you should never compromise your dreams, passion or integrity.
- Balance. It's a very tricky dance, but one that must be done. Make sure there is a harmonious balance in your relationship. One shouldn't always be the one giving, while the other takes. There shouldn't be one of you who always gets your way, while the other always gives in. It needs to be closer to equal. Aim for equal.
- Pick your battles. Choose the things that are worth fighting for. Don't sweat the small stuff. If she leaves the cap off the toothpaste and you hate that - put the cap back on the toothpaste and suck it up. If it's something close to your heart, by all means stand up for what you believe. Fighting isn't a sign things are bad, but how you fight and what you fight about may signify things are bad.
- Fight properly. Screaming, yelling and arguing will make you both defensive, and neither of you will hear what the other is saying. Wasted time. Do your best to remain calm while still getting your point across. Listen to what your partner has to say and try your best not to interrupt. Think about what you are just about to say.
- Don't be mean. Even if you've been hurt by your partner, it doesn't make it okay to be mean and nasty back. Likewise, avoid sarcasm and insults.
- Broken record. Continually bringing up the same things over and over won't help either. For goodness sake just resolve the issue, and if you can't, you should have walked away.
- Passive aggressive? Many people who are passive aggressive, aren't really aware of it. If you are, or think you are, try to get rid of that. It's very difficult for people to deal with passive aggressive people. It's born of the need for the person to always be right.
- Stay away from texting when you're angry. Do not send mean or spiteful messages to your partner when you are angry. You can never take them back, and in this electronic age, they will last forever. If you need to, write down how you feel, and reflect on it…then burn it in the fireplace.
- Agree. After everything has been discussed, agree on the new "rules" of the relationship.
- Always be Honest. That's it.
- Treat each other kindly. There are seven billion people on this planet. Surely, you can treat this love of yours with all the care and tenderness you would like to be treated with.
Things You Can Do Together
Now that you've talked and made some plans on who to get your relationship back on track, you need to reconnect on other levels. Remember the things you enjoy doing together, and find some new ones. Surprise each other, be romantic, be thoughtful. Quality time is very important. Figure out ways to spend more time together. Here are a few ideas:
- Date night. Friday night date night works for many couples. Pick an night, and come hell or high water, make the commitment to do something special together. Take turns choosing what you'll do.
- Thoughtful touch. Plan a massage night, where you swap massages with each other. Light candles. Get some scented oils. Put on soothing music.
- Volunteer. Do some volunteer work together - nothing makes the heart mend than mending someone else's heart.
- Fun lunch during work. Plan a picnic lunch on a workday…either in the office, in the park - even in the car.
- Connect. Watch less TV and put down the electronic gadgets.
- Fine dinning. Eat dinner at the table - you know, together. Light some candles, and put on some good music.
- Good reads. Read a book to each other.
- Go dancing.
- Work out. Get a gym membership at the same gym.
- Plan a trip. A new adventure will be good for both of you. It might be a simple weekend at a B&B in the country, or a fabulous trip to Europe. Plan it together. It's wonderful and exciting just booking your trip online. Being in a different place will work well to connect you.
- Memory lane. Talk about memories you've have shared that are positive, funny, sweet, poignant and lovely. This will be a good way to re-connect and remember what things you do love about each other.
Tips Tricks & Warnings
- Don't end a discussion in anger - similar to don't go to bed angry.
- You may need to revise these instructions to suit your current scenario.
- Be honest. Be honest. Be honest.
- Ask a friend or family member for guidance if you're confused.
- Even if either of you has fallen out of love, be kind.
- Don't beg.
Questions and Answers
Why is my boyfriend so distant now that I have moved 45 minutes away from where he stays?
He doesn't call me every night like he use to, or tell me he loves me every night like he use to. I have tried: Calling him first. I think it was caused by: I'm not sure
Have you moved closer to or farther from him?
- If you moved farther, then he might be considering the downsides of seeing you less often, and that causes depression. If you lived together before that, then he might be even consider you are trying to end the relationship.
- If you moved closer, then he might have second thoughts about you now. When you long for something and finally receive it, you value it less. Maybe he has someone who is a candidate for his heart too, and your moving closer mixes up his plans. And, lastly, he may just value privacy that much that the convenience of seeing you takes away from the feeling.
To solve the situation, you may wish to go back living like it was been before you moved closer to or farther from him.
- If you moved closer, offer him privacy by not imposing yourself at all, wait for his offers to visit his place, and never ask him to invite you over.
- If you moved farther, offer him to move to a complete new place together. Assure him that you love him more and more every day.
You might just ask him what he's feeling.
I'm stressed out. Are we breaking up? We seem to have lost the spark.
We are not communicating as effectively as before. No phone calls, no regular texts. I don't see him as much. I don't remember the last time he initiated a date. He seems tired of me. I have tried: I tried talking to him about his behavior stating all the things I'd like him to do and try to rekindle our spark. I think it was caused by: Lack of intimacy for a long while. Lack of communication. Ignoring from his side.
It may be over. The signs are there. Wouldn't it be better to let him know you're done? One of two things will happen.
- Relief. He'll be relieved because he obviously doesn't have enough strength to tell you. And you can at least hang onto some of your dignity.
- Shock. He'll be shocked. Didn't expect it. Apologize. Ask you to please stay with him. You will have your dignity, and the guy.
If you choose to wait it out, one of several things may happen.
- You'll be jaded by staying in a relationship where you weren't loved the way you should be, and you weren't treated the way you should be. And he'll leave you.
- He'll be seeing someone else behind your back and you'll be the only one who doesn't know - leading to the humiliation you feel when your guy sleeps with someone else and everyone knows but you. And he'll leave you.
- He'll leave you.
- You'll miss the love of your life while you're busy trying to salvage a relationship by yourself, and he'll leave you.
- There is a small chance he's busy, or dealing with his own issues, and he really does love you, but you'll have discovered that if you have executed #2 in the previous section.Advertisement
Will I have a breakup with my boyfriend because of a misunderstanding?
My boyfriend is mad at me because he does not like me sharing about my relationship to everyone and I did that. He is not at all responding to my texts and calls since 12 days. Moreover I had some fight with a boy and we called my boyfriend so that he understands that it was a misunderstanding but on that day we had a talk on the phone he was really mad at me and he kept asking me how is his name coming in the issue after that no message and no call. My boyfriend is not responding to my calls and messages... his friends are rude with me.. I have tried: I have tried texting him calling him but they all are of no use. I sent all types of texts from sweet to anger ones. I think it was caused by: Its a misunderstanding. He thinks I told people about my relationship with him which is not true. I told them in the past and after that I told them I broke up which I didn't. I told my boyfriend that its past but he is not ready to listen.
12 days is a very long time to not respond to someone you are dating. Stop contacting him and see if after a week he messages or calls you. Be ready to move on, though, because it appears that there are bigger issues and your boyfriend is using this to get out of the relationship. Most people will stay mad for a few days over something like this yet he has taken it to almost two weeks. Think about if you want to be with someone who refuses to forgive over long periods of time. Also, his friends are rude to you so it is likely that they have been consoling him and trash talking about you for the past week. The only thing you can do now is wait it out and see what happens.
- If you have problems with any of these steps, ask a question for more help, or post in the comments section below.
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Sharvani, Nuance, wambles
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