Get Your Boyfriend Back After a Fight
Edited by Donna, Eng, Anonymous, nnshange
So, it seems that you have had a terrible fight with your boyfriend and broken up but now that your anger and indignation has cooled off, you want to get back with him. In fact, getting back together is all that you can think about because you miss him and don't want him to fall in love with anyone else.
However, before you even consider getting him back you need to do one very important thing first --
- 1 Stop All Contact With Him And Take A Break
- 2 Why Do You Really Want Him Back?
- 3 Is This Relationship Just A Bad Habit?
- 4 Is Getting Back Together With Him A Realistic Expectation?
- 5 Embark On a Program of Loving Yourself
- 6 Making Initial Contact After 21 Days or More
- 7 The Initial Conversation by Phone or Chat
- 8 The First Post Break-Up Meeting
- 9 Relighting The Relationship Spark
- 10 What If He Just Wants to Be Friends?
- 11 Tips And Tricks
- 12 Questions and Answers
- 13 Comments
Stop All Contact With Him And Take A Break
During the first few days after a big fight it is crucial for you to calm down, cease all contact with your ex and focus on yourself and how you are really feeling about things. You both need time and space to chill out, assess things rationally and deal with your resentments.
This means �"
- Do not call him for any reason
- No texting of any kind including Facebook, Twitter or I'm
- No lurking or commenting on his Facebook or other social media pages
- Don't ask mutual friends for reports on him or deliver hints about how you are feeling to him
- Resist orchestrating situations where the two of you can meet
- No physical stalking, like sitting in your car outside his house to see if his lights are on
- No manipulation of others, especially family members and friends, to get him to see you
…and hardest of all. There will be no responding to him for any reason if he contacts you for at least 21 days.
Ideally you should wait two months or even longer to speak with him if you want to rebuild the relationship on an emotionally healthy foundation. In fact, the right day to contact him will be the one where you wake up and realize you have stopped counting the days until you can contact him again.
Remember that you are doing this to teach him a lesson about what you will tolerate in a relationship and to train yourself in the fine art of emotional self-discipline so that you can make healthy romantic choices in life. You are cutting all contact off is to avoid any more toxic, overly emotional encounters with each other that could potentially damage the relationship again and prevent the two of you from having a second chance.
The notion of absolutely no contact summons up feelings of panic in most women because they feel that like they are in an emotional free-fall and that they are risking losing the guy. However, your ex needs just as much time to process what happened and so do you. It is very unlikely that he is moving on so soon unless he has specifically told you he is moving forward with another relationship (in which case it is not a good idea for you to pursue it anyways as there is no point in chasing someone who is chasing someone else.)
During this break with no contact there are a few questions that you need to consider.
Why Do You Really Want Him Back?
First things, first. Do you really want him back or is this your ego telling you that you can't stand losing something that you feel is your territory? When a relationship ends sometimes you do feel a loss but sometimes the grief and anxiety separation you are feeling is not a reflections of the reality of the relationship. Sometimes a break up that feels like a failure is actually a win especially if you are dealing with someone who cheats on you or lies to you. In many cases, it might be time to be counting your blessings rather than the days until you can see him next.
It is also possible that you might being feeling competitive with a perceived or actual rival and feel that you must get him back to prove that you are the alpha female. However, you have to ask yourself if he is worth all of the time and energy that this would take and if it would be an empty victory.
If you are the one who cheated or lied then it is time for you to ask yourself if you have a subconscious desire to break up with him all along as those are behaviors on your part that can sabotage a relationship.
Is This Relationship Just A Bad Habit?
Be honest with yourself. Those feelings of loss might just be the equivalent of missing a bad habit that you indulged in every day for a while and it might be a lingering emotional attachment that you should consider quitting. And …if you want him back because you need someone to pay half the rent then it is much better to get a roommate rather than live in a toxic relationship with someone you don't trust.
Is Getting Back Together With Him A Realistic Expectation?
Usually relationships break up because of an addiction to fighting, jealousy or a trust breakdown of some sort. The cold hard facts are that it is takes a lot of forgiving and forgetting to resuscitate true love if there is no trust left in the relationship.
However, even though it is hard to believe now, "no mistake including cheating, lying or even worse is insurmountable especially if the sex was great and you really cared for each other. You might have to forgive and forget and let go of all of the resentments that caused the fight, even if you were in the right. It is also a mistake to think that you have the ability to change anyone or you will only renew any power struggles that may have caused your conflict in the first place. People can only change themselves. After the honeymoon phase of getting back together is over, he will not be a different person and neither will you and the same issues that you had a conflict over in the first place could be issues again.
Embark On a Program of Loving Yourself
The best way to think of this initial break is as a period where you fall in love with yourself all over again. Treat yourself as nicely as you would him if you have him back.
Give yourself a bit of an emotional and physical make over by �"]
- Exercising every day
- Going on a diet
- Seeing a therapist
- Getting a hobby you love
- Getting a haircut
- Buying new clothes
- Changing your routine
- Spending more time with friends
- Doing things you love like travelling or shopping
- Dating at least one other person.
These are all activities that boost your self-esteem and make you feel more confident. You will feel bolstered enough inside to be okay with the idea that you may not ever get back with your ex even though getting back with him might still be your goal.
The benefits of doing this is that it creates a positive vibe about you, improves your appearance and improves your overall happiness. This will make you so much more attractive to your ex when the two of you do meet again.
Making Initial Contact After 21 Days or More
Once your 21 days of absence or more have lapsed and you have decided that you have become strong enough emotionally to be indifferent emotionally when you reunite with your ex it is time to make initial contact. The best ways to do this in descending order of effectiveness are:
- The handwritten letter slid through his mail slot �" your best option if he is not returning your emails or texts or blocked you.
- An email
- A text
In this letter you should let your lover know that:
- You are not carrying a grudge
- You have accepted the break-up and are willing to move on
- That you are sorry for anything you did to cause the break up
- News of an exciting development in your life but do not give him all the details
It is very important not to contact him to see if he got the letter or not. If it was meant to be he will contact you and see you, often with the hope of getting back together as well.
The Initial Conversation by Phone or Chat
If he doesn't contact you then you can contact him ONCE by phone or text. It is preferable that you call as it is more personal and effective for him to hear your voice.
In this conversation:
- Invent a reason to see him that has nothing to do with dating
- Suggest you meet in a public place which tells him that there is less chance of emotional drama
- Don't mention the past at all
- Speak optimistically of your own future
- Behave like an independent agent and do not speak in terms of we
If this initial invitation out is not met with a yes then do not start begging or telling him that he somehow owes you a meeting or make references to your broken heart.
If he says no take his word for it that he is not interested any more. No means no at this stage and it is time to let go. If he says yes, then you will have a chance at a reconciliation with him.
The First Post Break-Up Meeting
The goal of having this first meeting with him is to show off how attractive and positive you are and also be a bit indifferent which will hopefully awaken his desire to chase you and get you back.
During this first is very important for you to �"
- Have an unattainable and confident air, even if you are secretly really wanting to be back together immediately
- Display a good sense of humor, especially if he brings up troublesome subjects
- Dress sexy but don't overdo it �" keep your look classy and a bit dressed up as if you are going on a date or to a great party after you are finished seeing hi
- Be a bit shallow so the conversation does not get heavy �" show that you would like to avoid stress and want to have some fun
- Diffuse all arguments before they start. Change the subject, deflect the argument or start talking about something more positive
- Not react if he tries to "push your buttons" by bringing up difficult issues �" you are showing him a tolerance that will make him wonder why you don't seem to care any more
- Pretend to take a call or text from someone else that might be another man (this is where having a girlfriend call you can come in handy.
Set yourself a time limit on this first visit and leave when you say you are going to. If possible leave something on the table or give him some kind of excuse or reason to call you so that a second meeting is possible.
If he wants to set up a second meeting with you during the initial meeting then play a little bit hard to get and say "maybe" or "call me and we will talk about It." The key to taking back control in your relationship is to never agree 100% to anything.
You are telling him that the two of you will discuss the next step, if there is one. You haven't made a final decision or been convinced yet. It's just another way of conveying the strength of your own personal resolve and power to him.
Relighting The Relationship Spark
After a first meeting it should not be hard to reignite that relationship spark as after all, the two of you know each other very well and what turns each other on. This could happen after the next date or after the next ten dates. It's up to you. Generally if you have made a great impression on the first meeting he will probably try to commit to you for the long haul again.
A few rules to pay attention to during this phase �"
- Call it dating for as long as you can to keep him at a distance and make him work to get your affection an respect
- Insist that he treat you with honor and only take you to the best places and offer the best experiences
- Always make him drive the car and don't agree to drive him around
- Act as if you are a bit bored with him and leave if you are with little explanation
- Never ever allow him to bring buddies or other friends along on your dates
- Refuse to pay for anything
Remember too that if he stands you up or asks to take a rain-check, it's a real deal breaker unless he truly is very sick with the flu.
What If He Just Wants to Be Friends?
If he tells you that he just wants to be friends, do not give away all of your new found power and beg him to stay. Never ever force this one. Just let him go.
However, this does not mean it is over. He might be testing you. Its best to tell him that you are fine with it and even say something like -
"I'm so glad you feel that way; I was really worried about how to approach the subject with you and didn't want you to get the wrong idea. "
"I don't do the friends thing. I've got so many girls after me that I don't really have time. But how about you give me call sometime if you change your mind."
After those two comments, if he really wants to be with you, he will reverse his pronouncement or keep asking you out. If he doesn't then it is up to you how to handle the new friendship.
In the meantime, don't dwell on the one that got away. His rationale for it probably had nothing to do with you and given that you have been on a program to make your self over, you will probably soon attract a new romantic prospect.
Tips And Tricks
- Do not try to get your ex back with constant calls and texts as this makes you look needy and miserable.
- Do not break down and beg him to come back as he will find this unattractive and lose respect for you.
- Beware of a tendency to call your ex when you have had a bad day as that emotional touchstone is likely still not there
- Don't hang out where he does, live your own life!
- Don't be a drunk-dialer all it takes is a few drinks before it seems like a good idea to call your ex but these conversations, if he even allows them to happen, often do not end up well
- Don't promise your ex the moon and the stars if he will only come back to you he can't have respect for someone that gives up their ethics, goals and dignity to be with him nobody wants to be with a martyr!
Questions and Answers
How do I keep my man after a bad argument?
My man and I had an argument, I didn't like, he requested that we do not see each other at work, because he does not want to upset his boss.. I feel that it is very unfair, and I can not agree to that condition, but I don't want to lose him or push him away, what should I do to make things work for both of us.. I have tried: Speaking about it, to get a clear understanding of why he feels that way.. I think it was caused by: The fact that his boss knows all about him, like the fact that he is engaged to someone else.
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Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Anonymous, Eng, Donna