Get Her Mind Off of Her Ex and Back on You

Edited by Donna, Eng, Alma

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Signs That She Is Still Obsessed With Her Ex

If she phones her ex in front of you, she is still obsessed with him.

Sometimes you end up with a girlfriend who still has feelings for both you and her ex, and even though she may tell you that she is completely over him, you suspect that you do not have all of her heart or focus.

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You might suspect that your girlfriend is still obsessed with her ex because:

  • She constantly still talks about him, to you and to others, and it does not matter if what she is saying is negative or positive because it means that all of her focus is still on him
  • She acts like she has post-traumatic stress at the very mention of her ex's name and you feel more like a therapist than a boyfriend because she still cries when she talks about him
  • She has actually referred to you as her rebound relationship, which is a real danger signal because an intention to eventually breakup is implicit in that statement
  • She takes you to places that she used to enjoy visiting with him or expects you to do things that they used to do with no consideration of whether or not it is an activity that appeals to you
  • She has kept all of their photos from their relationship and displays mementos from their time together, making you feel like he is still the most important person t in the world to you
  • She has not deleted photos of him from her social media pages
  • She phones him up for advice and will even do this in front of you
  • You are always cleaning up after her and feel more like her butler, which makes you also feel like you are the interim caretaker rather than a real boyfriend.
  • She compares your sexual performance to his and you have no idea why she thinks that is appropriate or if she even knows how rude it is
  • She insists that you socialize with her ex and during these friendly excursions; she often gives him all of the attention instead of you

How To Get Her Mind Off Of Her Ex And Back On You

Greet her every day with a romantic surprise to distract her from thinking about her ex.

If you want to get her to focus on her present relationship with you, instead of on her past relationship with her ex, then you need to develop a strategy that will show her that you love her more than he ever could and demonstrate that the two of you could have a fantastic future together.

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Here are some practical steps to take to get her mind off of him and back on you.

  1. 1
    Really listen to what she is focusing on when she starts reminiscing about her ex and learn from it
    .
    Resolve to imitate the good things that he did and never do the things that have caused her grief or pain. For instance, if he stayed out all night without ever calling her to say where he was, then make sure you do the opposite by calling her to check in when you are out. On the other hand, if she tells you she misses his fantastic barbecue cooking, you can surprise her by taking her out to a gourmet barbecue restaurant or by showing off your own barbecue skills. By doing this type of thing you are showing her that she is not only not missing anything by being away from her ex and that she has actually traded him in for a relationship that is much better.
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  2. 2
    Swallow any jealousy you may have and do a little research about her past relationship by looking at pictures and history of their social media profiles
    .
    Do either of them still have pictures of their relationship up on Facebook or Instagram pages? If so note the activities that they once enjoyed doing together to find out what you can do to up your game. For instance, if you see pictures of them playing tennis, learn how to play tennis or take her to a tennis match. If you discover that they loved to go to see musical theater together, then procure tickets to the latest Broadway shows. Show her that anything he could do, you can do better.
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  3. 3
    Interrogate her friends about her past relationship and gather all of the information that you can about both the good and bad aspects of their relationship
    .
    This is another way of finding out how you can be so much better than him. If her best friend claims that her ex was borrowing money from her all the time, then this is your cue to start taking her on shopping sprees. If you are told that he used to bring her home flowers once a week, then you can start bringing her home flowers every day. Chances are that her friends will be more than willing to cooperate with you as they are probably more than aware that she talks all the time about her ex.
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  4. 4
    Do your best to be as sexually attractive, charismatic and dashing as possible
    .
    This is especially crucial if her ex was really good looking. Dress like a bit of a dandy and never let her see you looking too casual and unkempt. Behave like every day was going to be your first date and groom yourself accordingly. If you are not as good-looking as her ex, then know that you can make up for a lot by being charming, kind, considerate and very romantic.
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  5. 5
    Handle any problem or issue that she throws your way with a great sense of humor, especially if she is talking about her ex
    .
    Humor has a way of diffusing all anger, jealousy and any seriousness about the past. However, when making a joke of the past, make sure you that you are not belittling her or being sarcastic, or she could start perceiving you as being cruel. One way to stop her from obsessing is to throw some clichés about relationships her way such as "You know what they say, hindsight is no better than foresight, and so you might as well stop dwelling on it." Another one that might make her laugh is "Men! Can't live with them, can't live without them." Your goal here is to try and persuade her to stop internalizing the past and taking it so personally and learn how to see it more objectively.
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  6. 6
    Do some research and find out what you can do to become an excellent lover
    .
    Make it your personal goal to outshine any performance that your rival from the past could give. Along with a great sex life, dazzle her with your seductive techniques, romantic dinners, and getaways to vacation destinations that offer the two of you plenty of quality time alone in bed. Make her present emotional and sexual life so thrilling that she forgets all about that guy from her past.
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  7. 7
    Be full of romantic surprises
    .
    Bring her roses, leave chocolates on her pillow and whisk her away to a romantic place for a naughty weekend. Take her on a shopping spree and buy a ring. Show her that you are serious about making her happier than her ex ever could.
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  8. 8
    Nurture her as a lover but do not parent her
    .
    A woman who is bringing her ex as a third party into your life is not acting like an adult and entering an unhealthy codependent relationship with you. If she is expressing grief about her past relationship or behaving badly by referring to him when it is not appropriate, then it is not up to you to discipline her. Simply remind her that she has a choice of what she wants to focus on every day and that you are not part of it, because there are other things that you would rather think about instead of her ex. The only roles you should be prepared to play in her life are boyfriend or husband, and not Daddy.
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  9. 9
    Don't be too clingy or possessive, even if you know that she is talking to her ex every day and feel threatened by it
    .
    Give her some space and time to miss you. Spend time with your own friends, pursue your own hobbies and allow her to do the same without interrogation. This is a healthy way of managing your relationship that also shows that you trust her. The more faith you show in her, the more she will relax with you and the more her self-esteem will increase because someone truly does love her enough to let her spend her life how she wants to without harassment.
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  10. 10
    Never display any jealousy or anger towards her ex
    .
    Jealous men are unattractive to women because they seem angry, oppressive and insecure. Instead of stopping her from contacting her ex, your jealousy will probably encourage her to do it even more. This is because there is a side to the feminine sexual ego that really enjoys being desired by two men at the same time.
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  11. 11
    If she still doesn't stop talking about her ex after you have done all of this, draw a boundary with her and tell her directly that she should be talking abut her ex boyfriend to you anymore and that she should see a therapist
    .
    She might be deeply insulted by this suggestion but tell her that you are the only person in her life that loves her enough, to be honest with her about how her obsession hurts everyone. Explain to her how her refusal to move forward is prompting you to consider leaving. Mention a few of your good qualities and how much she might miss you if you left. Often the threat of total abandonment will startle a woman out of her reverie for the past and jolt her back into living in the present with you. If not she does not respond to your request to stop obsessing, you might want to consider that you are living with a narcissist, who cares only for herself and has no empathy for you or others. This would then be your cue to make your threat to leave more than a bluff.
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Tips and Tricks

Only propose if you are sure she is not still in love with her ex.

  • Don't propose marriage as a way of helping her forget her ex, only propose it if you really want to marry her
  • If you were there during her breakup and supportive of her when it was happening, she may be viewing you as more of a helper in her life, rather than as someone she wants to build a future with
  • Women who want their exes to mingle with their current boyfriends are not over them and may qualify as being insecure drama queens who are not mature enough to handle a relationship
  • Do not talk about your ex to make her jealous, as it will likely escalate her bad habit of talking about hers and make the situation even worse
  • If she calls out her ex's name during sex, you should probably leave her as it means her sexual fantasies are still all about him
  • If she tells you outright that her ex was a better boyfriend than you than leave her, because there is an implicit threat to leave you for him in this statement
  • Refuse to socialize with her ex if you do not feel like it to show her that you will not be coerced into a drama that makes him into your rival

If you have problems with any of the steps in this article, please ask a question for more help, or post in the comments section below.

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Article Info

Categories : Relationships

Recent edits by: Eng, Donna

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