Deal with an Unreasonable Ex

Edited by estrella sacragon, Eng, Lynn, Maria and 2 others

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Running away from your ex? Is he completely unreasonable? Dealing with an angry and unhappy ex can be a frightening nightmare.

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Both you and your ex were involved, giving you a history together, but once the relationship has ended, things become so much more complicated. For some, the end of a relationship - the pain of losing someone you cherish is devastating, and everyone handles it differently.

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Wouldn't it be nice if both the exes could just learn to accept their fate, get along, and just forgo the grudges so many people hold following a breakup?

The best way to move forward is to focus on the future, rather than obsess on the past. Both need to act, think, and behave like adults and responsible parents. Especially if you have children, it's very important that you make the transition as easy as you can for them. As difficult as it seems for you to deal with, it's twice as difficult for children, as they have no choice in the matter.

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How to Deal with an Unreasonable Ex

So, you may be behaving properly, being mature about the entire thing, but you can only be responsible for your own self. What happens if despite your attempts to make the breakup cordial, your ex is being unreasonable?

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  1. 1
    Accept your ex
    .
    Do not attempt to change your ex's behaviour. If at some point, he or she blames you for your broken marriage, no amount of explanation will make a difference. Trying to defend your point of view will only result in more drama and hostility, especially when you are the one who has already began to move on. Your best plan is to just be patient, wait, and let time do the healing.
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  2. 2
    Respect
    .
    To achieve peace in your relationship, try to be appreciative of any signs of positivity from your ex. Even after the painful separation, respect your ex - be it with his or her lifestyle choices, the changes you notice, and so on. Do your best to maintain a cordial and civil relationship with each other. No matter what happened to end your relationship, hostility will only make it worst. Don't be judgemental, critical, and even it's uncomfortable for you, at the very least, Even if this may sound so uncomfortable, it's really important to respect your ex and remain civil.
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  3. 3
    Avoid getting dragged into the past
    .
    During one of your conversations, your ex may bring up the past. If, for example, while you are discussing your kids, and you notice the conversation is beginning to go to the unhappy past, do something about it and make the effort to politely turn the conversation back toward the kids. If your ex is still persistent, be firm about telling him or her that discussing the past is not healthy for moving forward. This is going to be difficult, but you have to be very firm about it. The conversation might also be happy past memories - but this is more of a plan to get you back than it is walking down memory lane.
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  4. 4
    Avoid introducing your new partner
    .
    If you've recently started dating someone new, but wounds are still healing and your breakup is fairly recent - this is a big no-no. Never bring your new partner into the picture too early. Even if your ex insists on knowing about and discussing your dating life, avoid the discussion at least until the ex has fully accepted the separation. Everything will come into place at the right time. This is also true of introducing a new lover to your children. You need to give them a whole lot of time to get used to the breakup first.
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  5. 5
    Redefine your relationship
    .
    No matter how frustrated, angry, or hurt your ex partner is, avoid getting involved in the chaos and drama. You need to re-evaluate your "new" relationship and redefine it. Especially if you have children - this person will be part of your life, whether or not you're still a couple.
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  6. 6
    Patience is a virtue
    .
    Try to build a good and solid relationship with your ex. Dealing with a difficult ex is not easy. You just have to be patient and try to learn how to smoothly handle the situation. What may seem impossible right now, will get easier, believe it or not, it will.
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Other Tips for Dealing with an Unreasonable Ex

Psychological research reveals that divorce is similar in emotional trauma as the death of a loved one. If there are children involved, total separation will never occur for both spouses are connected through their children, and will be, even after their kids have grown up and have their own families. There will be weddings, funerals, births and other occasions that you will inevitable encounter your ex spouse, and soon, your ex and his new significant other.

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Some people hold onto grudges and resentment. You may have done everything right, but still your ex is angry and combative. The steps toward total healing are different for everyone. For some, it's easier to resort to bickering and bitterness.

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Dealing with an unreasonable ex is all too common. If you are having a hard time with your ex spouse, especially if there are children in the picture. Here are some simple but practical de-escalation techniques that will work to lessen parental conflicts.

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  1. 1
    Use Email
    .
    Email, like any other form of communication, can be a place of conflict, but unlike in person, or the phone, at least you can't hear them, at least you can take your time to answer and avoid knee-jerk reactions. The one problem with email, is there is no way for someone to gage your mood. There no facial expressions, no body language, no tone of voice to express yourself with. In this situation, that might not be a bad thing. Just remember a few things;
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    1. Read the email three times before replying.
    2. Choose your words carefully. Don't mince words. Be direct. No nuances or what you think are cleverly disguised insults.
    3. There is an advantage to having a recorded, dated, written and timed documentation of the communication. This is particular useful especially when there comes a point that you have to determine where communication breaks down, or you need to go to court. With that in mind, remember that your ex will also be saving every word you say to them.
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  2. 2
    Be flexible
    .
    There are some spouses that have a pattern of inciting the other spouse, especially when it comes to parenting and past behaviour. It might not be anything your ex says, but more what they do. A few examples are;  
    1. Your ex is consistently late to pick up the kids, which is an inconvenience to you, and causes you to miss appointments or be late. Whether conscience of it or not, the ex is sabotaging your social life.
    2. Your ex cancels unexpectedly before his or her turn with the kids. Again, this tactic causes a lot of chaos and disorganization in your life.
    3. Your ex is late or misses child support payments. The best advice regarding this situation - do something about it. Don't feel guilty, or that you're "after" the money, it's not about you, it's about the welfare of your children.
    4. Trash talk. Your ex says horrible things about you to other people - things that are not true. This is quite common, and as horrible as it is, the only thing you can do is behave in such a manner as to prove your ex wrong.
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  3. 3
    Life in the fishbowl
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    In today's world where technology is following your every move, it's very difficult to be private. In the olden days - you could recover from a relationship without having to see your ex for a while, or at least very seldom. Social media has made it nearly impossible to heal from a breakup without being bombarded by pictures of your ex with their new love plastered all over Facebook. Twitter, Snapchat, emails and street videos - it's like the world is following everything you do. Be prepared if you have a vengeful ex, as many who've been spurned, take to social media to air their dirty laundry. This can be devastating, but don't engage.  
    1. Don't participate in that behaviour, as it's so destructive.
    2. Be patient. It's the person posting nasty things that ends up looking the fool.
    3. If your ex has some risqué photos of you - prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario.
    4. Remember that anything posted on social media, has a way of surfacing again and again.
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  4. 4
    Again - resist the temptation to participate in this destructive, vindictive behaviour.
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  5. 5
    Consider a moderator
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    It's seems as if there is one spouse trying to seek peace, and create quality parenting time with the kids in a cool and calm environment, while the other is creating chaos for everyone. While one is trying to avoid heated arguments, the other is starting them. In many cases, a objective third party may be exactly what is needed. Be it a family friend, or a Minister or Rabbi or a hired professional, it must be someone both parties respect. These moderators may help facilitate discussions, schedule drop-offs, puck-ups, custodial issues and scheduling visitations.
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  6. 6
    Respect the absent parent
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    Usually, one parent will leave the family home, and the other will have primary custody of the kids. It's really important, and in many states and in Canada, illegal to poison your children against your spouse. These issues do no belong to children, so leave them out of it. If you do that - keep telling your kids how horrible your ex it, they'll just end up resenting you for it. As difficult as this situation is, you have no right to make your children choose between you, and make their lives more difficult. Re
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Making your Ex Understand that the Divorce has To Be

Dealing with a divorce is tough. But breaking the news to your spouse that the marriage is over is tougher. What do you do when you finally decide to end the marriage, but your spouse still desperately wants to stay married? What do you do when you are very sure your marriage is over, but you get the feeling your spouse does not feel the same? Here are some helpful tips on how to go about in making your ex understand that the divorce has to be.

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  1. 1
    Educate yourself
    .
    It is best to educate yourself regarding the laws in your state, province or country, and how these laws apply to your situation.
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    1. Meet with a lawyer if possible.
    2. Do some research on the internet and learn the laws surrounding divorce that pertain to you.
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  2. 2
    Update your bills
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    1. If you're are not the one paying the utility bills, the learn more about these bills. If you have no idea what bank statements are, then find out.
    2. If you are going to remain in the house, have the bills moved to your name. An angry ex may stop paying and leave you without electricity.
    3. If you have a shared credit card - try to get it in your name, or take your name off it. Be warned, some may require a zero balance before taking a name off the car. In my situation, I convinced them my ex would continue spending on the card, and I'd never get it to zero. I'd rather have a card I can assume the responsibility for - rather than have no control of.
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  3. 3
    Consider your family's financial and living situation and begin making some plans on how you'll manage sharing time with your children or pets
    .
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  4. 4
    Don't take too long to file papers with the court.
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  5. 5
    Keep track of all expenses, and bank statements.
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  6. 6
    Spend time with your fear
    .
    It's good for you to explore your feelings, your fears. Even a "friendly divorce" leaves you feeling like a failure - unsure of your choices.
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  7. 7
    If you believe there's a possibility your spouse might harm you, discuss the issue with your lawyer first so you can obtain better protection
    .
    If you cannot afford a lawyer, you could petition the court for an "Order of Protection". If you've reported spousal abuse in the past, this shouldn't be too difficult. If you've been abused, but never reported it, sadly, it will be more difficult.
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  8. 8
    Bring Up the Issue
    .
    When you are prepared, bring up the issue with your spouse as kindly and as directly as possible. By the time you spill the beans, this can be a surprising and horrible moment for you and your spouse, but most especially, for your surprised partner. Breaking this news is never a good conversation, however, you should always maintain a gentle, respectful, mature and realistic approach when you finally break the news.
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  9. 9
    Assess the progress
    .
    After you have brought up the news, assess your general progress. How are things going? Is everything moving ahead? Do you feel like the conversation was effective? Did your spouse accept the decision you've made, or come up with a ton of reasons why you should stay together? You need to know what you'll be dealing with and how it will affect the entire family. Don't kid yourself into feeling your ex accepted everything so easily, for some people, it takes a little while for the penny to drop, and when the realize the seriousness of the situation, they may have a melt-down.
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  10. 10
    Decide how to move forward
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    Get a counsellor if you need one. Get a lawyer. Convince your spouse to get a lawyer. Because we are talking about an unreasonable ex - we are suggesting lawyers. Without a doubt, if you have an amiable situation - you might be both better off using a mediator, and avoiding court. I would suggest avoiding court if you can.
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  11. 11
    Let a friend or family member of your spouse's know they are needed.
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  12. 12
    Show respect
    .
    At this point, emotionally, it's unlikely you and your spouse are on the same page. After all, you are getting a divorce. Respect can play a critical role for the divorce process to unfold smoothly.
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How to Show Your Ex That You are not Meant for Each Other

As a rule of thumb, when it comes to relationships, assume nothing - expect anything. You can make a mental list of things and share them with your ex, without assigning guilt or blame.

  1. 1
    People change, and often, they don't change together.
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  2. 2
    We want different things from life.
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  3. 3
    We are not in love with each other anymore.
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  4. 4
    You haven't been happy in quite a long time.
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  5. 5
    We can be happier apart.
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How to Get Away from your Ex

Sometimes, people leave their relationships because it is just not working out anymore. However, while you are hell-bent on leaving your partner for good, there may be situations when your significant other will not feel that way, and will linger on believing and hoping that you will actually get back together, even if you've already moved on to a new relationship. So here are some tips you may want to consider to finally get away from your ex.

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  1. 1
    Break off the relationship-once and for all
    .
    Everything begins with how you end things. If you are breaking up with your partner, do not do it if you're intending to get back together in a few weeks. This is a very dangerous game. If you really want to be out of the relationship, be firm enough to end it once and for all. Clean cut. Don't leave any room for negotiation, and whatever you do, regardless of the charm your spouse might possess, resist the temptation of going back to your ex over and over again.
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  2. 2
    Explain why you don't want to be in the relationship anymore
    .
    Make sure that you have clearly communicated with your ex partner why you want to end things and why you have no plans of getting back together. More often than not, it will be very hard for your ex to really get over you especially when they know you no longer want them. Be blunt and honest about it. Yes, the truth may hurt, but you'll avoid a lot of drama in the future by making yourself very clear.
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  3. 3
    Avoid flirting with your ex
    .
    This is particularly true especially if a man is breaking up with the woman. Women already have that feeling that all men want them. So why add more fuel to the fire by giving her a loving glance that would make icebergs literally melt? Try to keep your distance when you can and try not to even allow yourself into running to her, not unless you really do want to get her back for good and win her all over again.
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  4. 4
    Date someone else
    .
    Do not get involved with someone else too soon just for the sake of dating. There needs to be a good amount of time between relationships - a time you reconnect with who you are, and what you want out of life.
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  5. 5
    Avoid sending mixed signals
    .
    If you don't want to be with your ex anymore, then just say so-loud and clear. The last thing a dumped ex partner needs is for you to vacillate emotionally back and forth and toying with their emotions.
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  6. 6
    It is also just as important to ensure that your friends are aware on what page you and your ex partner are on.
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  7. 7
    IMPORTANT
    .
    In the situation where a woman is choosing to end it with a man, is the most dangerous time for a woman. This is especially true if the man has demonstrated abusive behaviour in the past. Do not take this lightly. If you need someone there when you tell him, make that happen. If you need to get away for awhile, somewhere he won't find you - make that happen. If this is your situation, please refer to this VisiHow Article Handle Physical Abuse in a Relationship.
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Questions and Answers

How to deal with a extremely non agreeable Ex?

My Ex has held my kids hostage, made me go through many trials, constantly accuses me of things even when I am trying to help out. It's been hell. She has been relentless, bad mouthing me to family in attempt to destroy me on every front. The courts have seemed to only allow the very worst to happen by not giving me or my children a break. I am desperate, and out of a job, I really liked, due to the stress of the whole situation, denied unemployment. And to top it all off still no change in parenting time. My daughter desperately wants to have Dad time and is denied. My ex even coerces my parents and tries to control everyone. I have tried everything to make peace with her, alerted her to the dangers of our financial peril, but nothing works. I have tried: Tried to refinance to pay off all debt and cars, and was prevented. Tried to let her know how much our children need both of us, but she just attacks me and bad mouths me to the world. I have send her an email asking what does she want and she has not responded, I sent her a letter stating, ask me what you want and I will give it to you if I can. But she prefers to file more frivolous motions. I even took her possessions to ensure she has her stuff. But nothing works. I think it was caused by: I think I confronted her about what she has been trying to hide from the family and this she couldn't face, I tried to get her to go to counselling with me but she cancelled after one appointment. I believe she is living on the rage and vengeance and is out of touch with the reality of the destruction she has caused in our children's lives, my life, and even her own.

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You can petition the courts for a child advocate, which is a free service. You have rights as a parent to enforce visitation court agreements and if there is no break with visitations in previous agreements, the child advocate can petition on your daughter's behalf to see you. Vengeance in a divorce with children can greatly impact the child's emotional well being which is why there are child advocate programs in place. Because you are unemployed, you should be able to access Legal Aid clinics to help you in your pursuit for a child advocate.

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At this point, there is no process available that you have not tried to make your ex reasonable to deal with. This is a VisiHow article that can give you a few more tips. Treat her with kindness even when you really just want to yell at her. Do not play into her rage games. That can be difficult but eventually she may stop when she realizes it has no impact on you.

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If you have problems with any of the steps in this article, please post in the comments section below.

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Categories : Marriage

Recent edits by: Nuance, Maria, Lynn

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