Deal with an Unreasonable Ex

Edited by estrella sacragon, Anonymous, Eng, Lynn and 1 other

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Running away from your ex? You think that he's so unreasonable? Dealing with an angry and unhappy ex is nothing but a frightening nightmare.

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Both you and your ex were involved at one point after all. But once the relationship has ended, nothing beats the pain of losing someone you dearly cherish. Wouldn't it be nice if both the exes could just learn to accept their fate, get along, and just forget their grudge for each other? The relationship is undoubtedly over and there is really nothing one can do about it but accept it.

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The best way to move forward is to focus instead on the future and act, think, and behave like responsible parents and adults. Yes, dealing with a bitter ex can be extremely exhausting, but both of you have to be optimistic, especially when you have kids and you don't want them to suffer. So how do you go about dealing with an unreasonable ex? Here are some helpful tips.

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How to Deal with an Unreasonable Ex

  1. 1
    Accept your Ex.
    Do not attempt to change your ex's behavior. If at some point, he or she blames you for your broken marriage, no amount of explanation will cut it. Trying to air your side will only result in more drama and hostility. Especially when you are the one who has already began to move one, your obligation is to just be patient. Wait, and simply let time do the healing.
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  2. 2
    Respect.
    To achieve peace in your relationship, try to be appreciative of any signs of positivity from your ex's side. Even after the painful separation, respect your ex — be it with his or her lifestyle choices, the changes you notice, and so on. If you can, maintain a cordial and civil relationship with each other. Even if this may sound so uncomfortable, you have to respect your ex and try to stay away from indulging in criticisms.
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  3. 3
    Avoid Getting Dragged into the Past.
    During one of your conversations, your ex may, at some point, bring up the past. Say for example, when you are both talking about your kids, and you notice the conversation is beginning to go to the unhappy past, do something about it and make the effort to politely turn the conversation back toward the kids. If your ex is still persistent, be firm about telling him or her that you both must not discuss the past. This is going to be difficult, but you have to be very firm about it.
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  4. 4
    Avoid Introducing your New Partner (if you have any).
    This is a big no-no, especially when the relationship with your ex recently ended. Never bring your new partner into the picture too soon. Even if your ex insists on knowing about and discussing your dating life, avoid the discussion at least until the ex has fully accepted the separation. Everything will come into place at the right time.
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No matter how frustrated, angry, or hurt your ex partner is, avoid getting involved in the chaos at all cost. It will be best if you try to build a good and solid relationship with them. Dealing with a difficult ex is not easy. You just have to be patient and try to learn how to smoothly handle the situation.

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Other Tips in Dealing with an Unreasonable Ex

Evidences of psychological researches show that divorce is parallel with losing a loved one, either to age or disease. Especially if there are children involved, total separation will never occur for both spouses even after the kids are already grownups and have their own lives already. There are wedding, funerals, births and other occasions that you will inevitable encounter with your ex spouse. The steps toward total healing may sometimes never gain traction. In fact, bickering and bitterness replace it.

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Dealing with an unreasonable ex is all too common. If you are having a hard time with your ex spouse especially when there are children in the picture, here are some simple but practical de-escalation techniques that will work to lessen parental conflicts.

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  1. 1
    Use Email.
    E-mailing is actually not the be-all and end-all. There may come a time when it is not prudent to get in touch with your spouse be e-mail, like medical emergencies. There are some spouses that do not have access to emails, and if they do have, they just simply refuse to use it. Nonetheless, in most cases, e-mailing still is a very effective means of communication between spouses that do not get along too well. With emailing, non-verbal communications (body language) is removed from the communication stream. The email sent is what the message is. In other words, there are lesser chances to unintentionally or otherwise send hostile or mixed messages through emails. These also provide a dated, written and timed documentation of the communication. This is particular useful especially when there comes a point that you have to determine where communication breaks down.
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  2. 2
    Be Flexible.
    There are some spouses that engage in clear patterns just to incite to the other spouse especially when it comes to parenting. For instance, one shows up consistently late which in turn, keeps the receiving spouse from being able to timely address her/her schedule. Another is when one parent cancels unexpectedly before parenting time. This will then devalue the other spouse and even wreck some havoc in their daily life.
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  3. 3
    Live in a Fishbowl.
    Today in world where information can easily be obtained because of the adverse of technology, nothing has ever been private. Social medias, emails, camera hones are just part of the daily landscape of domestic squabbles. When this happens, it can cut both ways and eventually validate bad behaviors and take truly private matters into turning them against each other especially on a custody battle. Because of this, spouses involved in high-conflict cases must adjust and live in the proverbial "fishbowl" and just assume anything that you are doing professionally, personally, or privately have to be made public-act accordingly.
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  4. 4
    Consider Intermediaries.
    No tool has ever yet existed or even applicable in parenting issues. But the spouse who tries to seek peace and quality parenting time with the kids in a cool and calm environment must always consider how to keep any parenting issues from becoming heated. In some cases, a third party may pitch in, be it a family friend or a parent that is respected by both spouses. These persons may actually help in facilitating drop-offs, puck-ups, scheduling, and even communicating and handling routine issues. Nonetheless, these must always be places that must not lead to the children into believing that something is wrong with the other parent.
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Making your Ex Understand that the Divorce has To Be

Dealing with a divorce is tough. But breaking the new to your spouse that the marriage is over is tougher. What do you do when you finally decide to end the marriage, but your spouse still wants desperately to stay married? What must you do when you are very sure that your marriage is over but you have that fear that your spouse isn't? Here are some helpful tips on how to go about in making your ex understand that the divorce has to be.

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  1. 1
    Educate Yourself.
    It is best to educate yourself about the law and how these laws can apply to your situation. Meet with a lawyer if possible, do some rigid Internet research and learn about the laws of your particular state. For instance, if you are not the one paying the utility bills, the learn more about these bills. If you have no idea what bank statement are, then find out about it. This is particularly helpful regardless of whether your divorce plans are mutual. Consider your family's financial and living situation and take not on how you will manage sharing time with your children or pets. Meaning, look at the effects of divorce realistically, looking at it day to day, month to month. Understand about the many effect of time on your legal stand so you can at least separate out your personal emotional anxiety from the progression of legal anxiety. The key here is to stay realistic. If you are only focusing more on your personal dream scenario, then definitely you are bound for some bumpy ride.
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  2. 2
    Spend time with your fear.
    It greatly helps to do some soul-searching first and contemplate out the reasons behind your fears. If you are dreading about the possibility that you spouse can actually harm you, it is best to discuss the issue with your lawyer first so you can obtain better protection.
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  3. 3
    Bring Up the Issue.
    When you are prepared, bring up the issue with your spouse as kindly and as directly as possible. By the time you spill the beans, this can be a surprising and horrible moment for you and your spouse, but most especially with your surprised partner. Breaking this news is never a very conversation. However, you should always maintain a gentle, respectful, mature and realistic approach by the time your finally break the news.
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  4. 4
    Assess the Progress.
    After you have brought up the news, assess your general progress. How are things going? Is everything moving ahead? Do you feel like the conversation was just simply vivid dream that your partner chose to forget the conversation actually happened? There are actually different options here: you can either successful patch things up through marriage counseling (which is something that requires a third party present to make it attainable). If this will not work, then you should consider retaining your lawyer. Your counsel can either write a letter convincing your spouse to also seek the help of a lawyer or even begin taking actions, depending on the particulars of the situation.
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  5. 5
    Give some respect.
    At this point, you and your spouse are more likely not on the same page anymore- emotionally that is. After all, you are getting a divorce. Respect can play a critical role for the divorce process to unfold smoothly.
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How to Show your Ex That You are not Meant for Each Other

As a rule of thumb, when it comes to relationships, always assume nothing. If your partner has not told you, or worse, not even shown you that he loves you, then don't assume that he does. If he never made mention about having a future with you, then never assume that you both are going to tie the knot, have kids, and live happily ever after.

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Sometimes, it is quite difficult not to force something that you badly wanted. However, forcing somebody to be in a loving relationship is disastrous. It is quite a surprise actually to note that some people do not even realize that they are already forcing love. They are constantly going through motions, trying to make excuses on why the other partner is not reciprocating their actions. But truth be told, if you are constantly giving in of love and you notice you aren't reciprocated, chances are, love doesn't exist in the other partner. Consider these signs to help you ensure that you are not trying to force love that does not exist or simply isn't meant to be.

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  1. 1
    You do all the planning.
    First date, your idea. Second date, still your idea. You always ask him out. Most, if not all of the plans in the relationship has been arranged and made by you. Your partner just accepts, or declines at times, your invitations. Sadly, he doesn't even make arrangements. If your partner really wants to see you, allow him to do the arrangements sometimes. Sometimes, this can be a case of your partner not doing anything because he is aware that you will take care of it. To be on the safer side, give him the chance to have an equal say when you both decide to see each other. Otherwise, if he doesn't initiate a date or find the time to see you, then try not to force the issue.
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  2. 2
    You always ask him how he feels all the time.
    If you find yourself constantly asking your partner how he feels about you, or you always check on him and he doesn't seem to care, then this is a clear indication that you are in an unhealthy relationship. If you aren't so sure about how your partner really feels about you, and he doesn't seem to care about making up his feelings, then it goes to show that love doesn't live in your relationship.
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  3. 3
    Another indication that you and your partner are not really meant for each other is when he never even mentions about your future.
    When you try to mention him about marriage and he just says nothing and shrugs off the idea, or when you talk about having kids and he just gives you a blank stare, then obviously he has not thoughts of a future with you.
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  4. 4
    He disregards serious issues.
    Relationships will sometimes call for very serious conversations. Your partner must be ready to talk and discuss these matters at hand. Naturally, women prefer to talk more than man. If you notice that your partner is constantly trying to change the subject especially when you start talking about your future, or you discuss about how to nurture your relationship better, or just about anything that calls for more serious tones, maybe you need to evaluate the relationship this time.
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How to Run Away from your Ex

Sometimes, people leave their relationships because it is just not working out anymore. However, while you are bent to leaving your partner for good, there may be cases when your significant other will not necessarily feel that way and will still linger on believing and hoping that you will actually get back together, even if you are already out with somebody else. So here are some tips you may want to consider to finally run away from your ex.

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  1. 1
    Break off the relationship-once and for all.
    Everything begins with how you actually end things. If you are breaking up with your partner only to find out you are planning to get back together after a few weeks later, then you are just doing a very dangerous precedence. If you really want to be out of the relationship, be firm enough to end it once and for all. Try to resist into the temptation of going back to your ex over and over again, not unless of course you have changed your mind and you totally want to have your ex back for good.
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  2. 2
    Explain to your partner why you don't want to be in the relationship anymore.
    Make sure that you have clearly communicated with your ex partner why you want to end things and why you have no plans of getting back together. More often than not, it will be very hard for your ex to really get over you especially when they know that you no longer want them. Just imagine how much difficult it would be if they think that there is still a chance for you to get back together. Be blunt and honest about it. Yes, the truth may hurt, but as they say, no pain, no gain, right?
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  3. 3
    Avoid flirting with your ex.
    This is particularly true especially if a man is breaking up with the woman. Women already have that feeling that all men want them. So why add more fuel to the fire by giving her a loving glance that would make icebergs literally melt? Try to keep your distance when you can and try not to even allow yourself into running to her, not unless you really do want to get her back for good and win her all over again.
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  4. 4
    Date someone else.
    Do not get involved with someone else too soon just for the sake of dating, most especially if you are getting too sick of relationships as a whole, and not just on your ex. However, if you want to get your ex partner to get the whole idea that everything is over, you may want to line up and date someone else for you to take your mind off things.
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  5. 5
    Have your new 'date' call your ex.
    This may sound pretty mean and ruthless. But surprisingly, this is particularly effective. Have your new date ask your ex partner about sexual preferences, or what gifts they must give you on special occasions.
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  6. 6
    Avoid sending mixed signals.
    If you don't want to be with your ex anymore, then just say so—loud and clear. The last thing a dumped ex partner needs is you try to wave back and forth and toying with their emotions. It is also just as important to ensure that your friends are aware on what page you and your ex partner are on.
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Questions and Answers

How to deal with a extremely non agreeable Ex?

My Ex has held my kids hostage, made me go through many trials, constantly accuses me of things even when I am trying to help out. Its been hell. She has been relentless, bad mouthing me to family in attempt to destroy me on every front. The courts have seemed to only allow the very worst to happen, not giving me or my children a break. I am desperate, and out of a job, I really liked due to the stress of the whole situation, denied unemployment. And to top it all off still no change in parenting time, my daughter desperately wants to have Dad time and is denied, she even coerces my parents and tries to control everyone. I have tried everything to make peace with her, alerted her to the dangers of our financial peril, but nothing works.. I have tried: Tried to refinance to pay off all debt and cars, and was prevented. Tried to let her know how much our children need both of us, but she just attacks me and bad mouths me to the world. I have send her an email asking what does she want and she has not responded, I sent her a letter stating, ask me what you want and I will give it to you if I can. But she prefers to files more frivolous motions. I even took her possessions to ensure she has her stuff. But nothing works. I think it was caused by: I think I confronted her about what she has been trying to hide from the family and this she couldn't face, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me but she had it cancelled after one appointment. I believe she is living on the rage and vengeance and is out of touch with the reality of the destruction she has caused in our children's lives, my life, and even her own.

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You can petition the courts for a child advocate which is a free service. You have rights as a parent to enforce visitation court agreements and if there is no break with visitations in previous agreements the child advocate can petition on your daughter's behalf to see you.Vengeance in a divorce with children can greatly impact the child's emotional well being which is why there are child advocate programs in place. Because you are unemployed you should be able to access Legal Aid clinics to help you in your pursuit for a child advocate.

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At this point, there is no process available that you have not tried to make your ex reasonable to deal with. Improve the relationship with your ex wife is a VisiHow article that can give you a few more tips. Treat her with kindness even when you really just want to yell at her. Do not play into her rage games. That can be difficult but eventually she may stop when she realizes it has no impact on you.

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Categories : Marriage

Recent edits by: Lynn, Eng, Anonymous

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