Break up with your partner
Edited by Ephraim, Charmed, Lynn, Eng and 6 others
This article will offer advice about how to break up with your partner after the relationship is no longer healthy. Breaking up is not something that easy to do. It can be even more difficult when you are the one planning to end it. Some mistakenly believe that a break up is easier for the one ending the relationship, but it is not easy for either one of the people involved. When the relationship becomes unhappy and unhealthy for both of the parties, it is time to call it all off. When you are unhappy in a relationship but continue to stay together you may feel like you are dragging around something that is dead. Breaking up may prove to be painful but it needs to happen if there is no hope for improvement in the relationship. The important thing to keep in mind about breaking up is to be firm and decisive when you do it, to be certain that the break up unquestionably final.
- 1Identify the reason you want to end what you had with your partner.Being angry or irritated with your partner is not reason enough to end your relationship. These issues need to be dealt with by communicating your feelings and working out your differences. If the trouble is simply over an argument, the best thing to do is to work out the disagreement. This action can actually help to strengthen the relationship. One major determining factor in deciding to break up, is if a great deal of effort has been given to bring resolution to an unhealthy relationship without any sign of improvement. At this point it may be time to bring things to an end. It may be time to end things if the same issue seems to be repeating itself over and over again. If you feel unsatisfied, hurt, unhappy or suspicious about things and this cycle never ends then it is time to end the relationship. Even after identifying the reason for breaking up, be certain that this is what you really want. Going into a break up full of indecision will just lead to confusion for you and you partner.Advertisement
- 2Be prepared to explain your reasons for the break up.Your partner will most certainly want to know why. Not being prepared with clear and certain reasons for ending things will hurt your chances of making a clean break. You may find your partner giving you compelling argument to remain together. Or your partner may take your hesitation as a second chance. If your partner is manipulative, he or she may use your uncertainty to hold onto you even when you need to be let go. When letting your partner know your reasons you will need to be polite. Don't be cruel and don't give reasons that are hurtful. Keeping everything cordial and kind can make the breakup go more smoothly with less negative emotions. If you break up when you are angry it can cause even more problems in the relationship, complicate the break, and may even lead to violence. The ultimate goal of this step is to give your reasons tactfully and respectably to ensure a clean break. Have all your facts in order before having the conversation about the break up to keep you on your toes and help you quickly reply to your partner. If you suspect that you will not be able to keep your facts straight in the heat of your emotions write them down before hand to keep them as your reference. Understand that if your partner sees you reading your reasons from a paper he/she may find it amusing on the outside but in the inside he/she will see that you really thought and planned the whole thing out showing how serious you are about the situation.Advertisement
- 3Do not attack your partner personally about his or her faults but explain that the relationship is dying and why.If you attack him/her for personal faults it may damage your partner personally. An example of this would be, "You talk to much and you bother me." This should be expressed this way, "I need more freedom to do things and I like to have peace and quiet at times." By saying this you are bringing attention to the failing relationship or even your own faults instead of your partner's. The important thing to remember when going through this process is to keep the spotlight off of them. Don't make them feel like they are the reason for the break up. Keeping the mentality of "It's me, not you" will keep your partner from feeling defensive. Don't point fingers since it will bring up more emotions or insecurities in your partner, that he/she may take to the next relationship. Or make them feel as if they cannot be in another relationship. This can hurt you as well because if your partner is unable to move on he/she may remain attached to you making it difficult for you to start new relationship in the future.
- 4Decide how much time you want to spend on the break up.If you want to keep the conversation brief make sure that you get all your facts in quickly. Keep in mind that in a brief conversation the other person may not feel that they have heard all your reasons, or that they had adequate time to respond. They might not feel as if they've had closure. The other person may be clingy and need you to explain more fully what your reasons for the break up. On the other hand, a lengthy talk will be more emotional but may also be the most effective way for the break up to be completely discussed. Having a long talk will ensure that the break up will be official with all the facts on the table for your partner. This will help your partner to move on more quickly, speeding up the emotional break up period and then on to the "moving on" process.
- 5Always break up with an individual face to face instead of over the phone or through text.A break up over phone can be the most cruel way to break up with a person and can also result in anger from the other person. Breaking up over the phone can also make the break up seem as if it is not real. Breaking up in person will allow your partner to see how serious you are about the break up through your body language and your voice. This method is the most respectful and effective way to break up with your partner. The only reason a break up should be done over phone or text is because you are too far away to be able to do it in person. Another way some have used for breaking up is to just disappear. This does not give the partner closure and will make it hard for him or her to move on. This kind of cowardly breakup can also damage the other person psychologically and emotionally.
- 6When breaking up, remain calm and be sensitive to your partner's emotions during the process.Regardless of the situation do not just blatantly say, "We need to break up." This will not illicit a positive response from your partner and the conversation will end up over-emotional. Another reason to remain calm is so that you will not respond in anger if your partner comes back with something hurtful or anything negative towards you leading to an argument instead of a clean break up. Avoid retaliating if your partner says something negative. This may prove to be difficult if emotions are running high between the two of you. But remember your goal. Breaking up in a calm manner in order to fully end a relationship; briefly and cleanly.
- 7Lay everything out on the table and do not hold anything back from your partner.If you do not put everything on the table then you will be giving your partner hope that the two of you can regain your relationship. Do not leave the conversation open to any type of hope of resolution between the two of you, be kind and polite but also be firm and assure your partner that there is no "getting back together". Sometimes break up conversations include the phrase "You never know what can happen." or "If we are meant to be, we will be together later on in life." These terms can leave your partner with a sense of hope. This can cause your partner to linger in hopes that you you will want to renew the relationship. Do not leave the door open for any kind of chance in the relationship at all, close the door and leave it shut. If you are not ready to close the door on the relationship then you are not ready to break up with your partner.
- 8Be prepared for certain reactions from your partner that may cloud your judgement about the break up.There are a number of things that can happen in the conversation to make you second guess yourself about the situation:
- Anger. There are some individuals that will say evil things out of anger to cause hurt in the process of breaking up, even if they do not mean what they say. Be prepared for the worst. Some people may curse or say mean things about physical appearance. Be strong throughout the conversation and do your best to not project your anger back at them.
- Crying. Your partner may cry and beg you not to leave them. Remain strong and firm about your decision. It is hard to see someone who we either love or spent so much time with cry. But by breaking up with them they might leave the relationship and find someone better, who will make them happy. Ignore the few hours of crying since they may find a lifetime of happiness later on in life.
- Questions. Your partner will ask questions about why the break up is happening. While you can give them many reasons they might still ask the question, "Why," in the course of the conversation. If you have repeatedly answered the question and explained your reasons then it is time to just leave the conversation.
- 9Get away after the break up is over.Your partner may try to get into contact with you and also visit you in the process. After you have broken up with your partner you will need to avoid your partner and go to other locations. This doesn't mean you need to move out of your home. It means you should stay away from locations where you two would normally meet or see each other. This also does not mean that you need to never have contact again, but give it a couple of weeks to a month for him/her to get over the break up and find someone new.
Carrying out a breakup conversation
Carrying out a break up conversation can be quite difficult. You do not want to hurt the other person with your words or actions. There are tips on how you can carry out a break up conversation. Follow the tips below:
- 1Meet him or her personally.If you want to break up with your partner, you need to say what you have to say personally, not through a text or phone call. This will just bring hurt. Don't plan on disappearing from your partners life, without a word from you. Your partner will questions himself or herself. You will make him or her angry with you for a long time. Meet the other person personally and talk about breaking up with him or her calmly. Go over to his or her home because this is a better place to talk freely and express your emotions completely. Do not go to a public place where others might hear the two of you crying or yelling.
- 2Carry out a break up conversation smoothly and calmly.Wait, do not be rush and then leave his or her place, right after saying that you want a breakup. You should start talking about how grateful you are because he or she is such a good and nice person. Start by saying good things about the other person or about the good things he or she has done for you and your relationship. Talk about breaking up smoothly and calmly.
- 3Explain your reasons for the break up.After talking about the good things between you and him or her, you should then give some reasonable excuses. Do not say that you have found someone new, or you just do not like him or her. Say that you will need space to find yourself first, or you want to focus more on work or studies and that you want to give all your time to it. He or she will understand your excuses as long as they are reasonable. If these are unkind, then you could hurt him or her emotionally.
- 4Conclude that you will still be friends, after breaking up.Right after following the tips above, you should conclude that you will still be friends, and that you do not want to lose him or her. This does not mean you are reserving the person for the future. As time passes he or she will move on, giving him or her time to meet other people, and find the right person.
Things To Consider
- 1Do not break up with your partner, when either of you have problems or in bad mood.This will affect your conversation which will lead to an unpleasant ending. This may cause him or her to feel suicidal. This may also create a negative attitude within him/her which may affect other people instead of you.
- 2Find a good place where you will break up with him or her.The best place where you should break up with your partner should be in a place where people seldom go. This is to avoid several people staring at both of you during break up. This also gives both of you time to talk with each other quietly. In places where there are a lot of people, you can't share openly with your partner.
- 3Choose the best time to break up with your partner.You should break with your partner on a reasonable date. You should consider the dates and time. It would be insensitive to break up during a birthday, anniversary or special holidays. These are days of celebration and should be happy occasions. It would create negative memories on a day that should have positive and pleasant ones.
- 4Be kind in breaking up with your partner.You don't have to nag your partner or shout at him when you are breaking up with him/her since his or her emotions may be vulnerable and fragile at this time. Be calm and gentle but firm.Advertisement
Sometimes breaking up is the best option. Sometimes it is the only option. It can be a difficult experience, but if handled in the right way, it can be less painful.
- If you have problems with any of these steps, ask a question for more help, or post in the comments section below.
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Laurel Waddell, Christine Cruz, Emmanuel M. Lardizabal