18 Sure Signs He Is Dangerously Obsessed with You

Edited by Donna, Eng, keke, Maria and 1 other

It really does feel nice to have an admirer in your life. It is no secret women thrive on lots of love and attention. It is also really true that sometimes those first dates that you thought were one-night stands really do turn into lovers and husbands. However, it is all too common these days for a woman to meet a guy and then have him become dangerously obsessed with her.

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This often happens at the point of rejection, whether that is after the first date or after a few years of being together but it can happen at any point during the relationship. Jealousy and insecurity are often part of a stalker's personality, and often the stalker is simply not right in the head or aware of what they are doing because they have been taught that possessive behavior is part of a romantic experience.

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The Statistics About Stalking In the US

Obsession often leads to stalking according to as study done at Colorado State University and published on their Women and Gender Advocacy Center website. One in 6 women will be the victim of an obsessed stalker in her life. Two-thirds of these stalking incidents will be by a current or former intimate partner.

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In some demographics, the danger of being stalked by an dangerously obsessed man is higher. One in 6 white women, 1 in 7 Hispanic women and 1 in 5 black women will experience stalking in their lifetime. Indigenous women are most at risk with 1 out of 3 having to deal with a dangerously obsessed male.

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One way to avoid getting involved with a stalker is to know the behaviors that signify that you are dealing with one in the first place and take prompt steps to practice avoidance of him.

Signs He is Dangerously Obsessed With You

  1. 1
    He bombs you with messages after one meeting.
    It is normal to get one message or a Facebook request after one meeting but it is not normal to be love-bombed by scores of text messages or calls in a desperate attempt to contact you. He also may expect you to answer his messages right away and become very upset if you do not return his messages within seconds. It is the insistence that he must know where you are all at times that is possessive and unhealthy.
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  2. 2
    He has no sense of personal boundaries.
    His comments in public or on social media might be inappropriately intimate or premature or suggest that you have an intimacy or connection that is just not there. He may even lie or imply that he is with you or that you have an intimacy or past together that does not exist.
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  3. 3
    He is clingy, insecure and refuses to leave your side.
    If he sticks to your side when you run into him at events and prevents others from having a conversation with you or displays jealousy, then you have a stalker on your hands. He may express resentment if you talk to others and may even address others who try to talk to you in a way that is intended to shoo them away so he can have your company all to yourself.p
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  4. 4
    He constantly compares you to an impossible ideal.
    Many dangerously obsessed men expect you to live up to an expectation that they have in their mind and when you don't live up to that image of perfection or disappoint them in any way, they become very upset and even seek revenge.
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  5. 5
    He compliments you but is extremely critical of you at the same time.
    This is an attempt on his part to make you feel insecure so that you have the feeling that you need him. He may have studied you, looking for weaknesses and decide to play on them in order to make you feel like you need him for advice or approval.
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  6. 6
    He spies on you every chance that he gets.
    You may get the feeling you are being watched every time you go out the door or you may be aware that he has posted pictures or sent photos of you when you were not aware of his presence. Most stalkers are voyeurs, but if you catch them doing something like, watching you from his parked car near your house, he will tell you that it is just a coincidence.
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  7. 7
    He misrepresents his familiarity with you to your family and friends.
    He may tell others he is your boyfriend in order to force you to recognize him or to convince them to give information about you. He might also speak to you as if you already have a life together and say things like "I am looking forward to having Thanksgiving with your family even if you have not made any such plans."
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  8. 8
    He arranges coincidences to prove that there is a soul mate connection between you.
    He may turn up all the time where you are and then try to use the "chance meetings" as proof that you belong together. He may also buy you gifts, that coincidentally, are your favorite things, without him ever having told you so. This is evidence that he may have been doing some research on you somehow, by lurking on Facebook or talking to your friends.
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  9. 9
    He tries to ingratiate his way into your life by being overly helpful.
    If you even casually mention that you are going somewhere he is the guy who will offer you a drive there, even if you don't need it. No matter what you are doing, cooking, cleaning or going shopping, he will always offer to be of assistance so he can spend more time in your company. The more time he can spend in your company, the more he feels he can control you and the events around you.
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  10. 10
    He does not understand that No Means No! You might request that he stop contacting you but he continues to past the requests of yourself, other people in your life, the police, a restraining order and other measures you may have taken for protection.
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  11. 11
    He becomes angry or violent if you reject him.
    Often he will threaten the object of desire in order to act out his controlling behavior and desire for vengeance. This type of behaviour necessitates and immediate call to the police.
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  12. 12
    He threatens to hurt himself if you leave.
    This is a form of emotional blackmail designed to involve you in his life by making you feel guilty. Any threat of harm to himself or to you should also be called into the police, immediately.
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  13. 13
    He breaks into your house and waits for you.
    This is an extremely dangerous situation that requires immediate assistance from the police. Even if you have given him the key because he is an ex, he should not be allowed to violate your privacy.
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  14. 14
    He keeps insisting that you are his soul mate.
    He will talk about your eventual union as a couple as if it is inescapable fate and meant to be and may even warn you that there could be dire consequences if you refuse to be with him.
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  15. 15
    He assumes your identity.
    Many stalkers are confused as to who they are and will act out their obsession with you by pretending to be you. This can be as simple as opening up fake social media accounts with your name or even actually breaking into your home to steal items of your clothing so he can dress up as you.
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  16. 16
    He physically stalks you by doing everything that you do.
    If you join a yoga class, he joins a yoga class. If he knows you walk your dog in the park at four o'clock every day, then he just happens to be there. He might also claim to know friends of yours that he does not really know and he might shadow you on social media sites, liking everything that you do and joining events and groups that you do.
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  17. 17
    He has a history of mental illness or addiction.
    Men with these afflictions tend to be more prone to the sado-masochistic and codependent tendencies that lead to unhealthy obsessive behaviour.
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  18. 18
    He has a history of stalking and harassing other women.
    Often a stalker has a number of victims and looking into his past can sometimes reveal that you are part of an old pattern. Do some research about how his relationships with other women ended and whether they were violent or not.
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Finally it is important for you to use your intuition as it will rarely lie to you about sensing someone who means you harm.

Questions and Answers

Is this a sign of obsession, abuse or is it both because I don't know what to do I'm confused?

There this boy I like and we dated before but we broke up because he said something I didn't like and I gave him chances to say he was sorry but he didn't do it. But he and I are still friends and we still have feelings for each other also. Now it's like every time I don't pay attention to him he starts insulting me in front of people like saying things that he knows will make me mad to get my attention. Then he calls me names like the B word and a dog and other stuff. But then he tells his friends that I'm his girlfriend but we not even dating. He likes begs me to give him a second chance but every time I do he mess up n talk to other females but its like when it don't work out with them he expects me to take him back. Then it's like every time he says something and I say no he gets mad and calls me names too. My parents don't even like him and they tell me to stay away from him but I can't do that because I still have feelings for him. I just want to know if this abuse or obsession or both. My situation is not different at all its still all the same. I try to work it out and change it but every time I do it doesn't work out how I wanted it to be!

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This is not a healthy relationship and your parents are right in telling you to stay away. Distance yourself as much as possible. Your feelings will begin to disappear the more you do not speak with him. These feelings you are experiencing are toxic in nature and not good for you. It sounds like you are both young. There is a lot you have to learn as you grow older. This lesson right now is about only allowing those that care about you in your life. Only speak with boys that respect and honor you. Calling you names is not okay no matter what age you are.

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I highly appreciate if you could help me, my question is about obsession?

How can a person tell if there is someone who is obsessed by her? How does obsession start? What symptoms could lead to something more dangerous?

1 out of 12 women has been in a dangerous obsessive relationship. Some signs to look for are if he immediately says he loves you. How does he react to you saying no? Does he need to know what you are doing every waking minute? Does he show up at random places like he is following you? Document any contact that you have said no to. Text messages and letters, photos, a log of how many times you see him around your home or work. Little things like this can help you if you need to enforce an anti-stalking law where you reside.

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I think he was obsessed with me once. Should I still be concerned?

I have a coworker who has done a lot of the things on this list. At first, he just struck me as extremely friendly. He would walk over to the department I work in and offer to help me with things and we would chat. He found me on Facebook after another friend of ours did and started sending me messages there; I didn't want to speak to him so I wouldn't always respond, and sometimes he would send me multiple messages if I didn't get back to him. He tried to make himself important to me by telling me I always seem sad or like I have something on my mind even when I insisted I had no idea what he was talking about. He said he could "feel people's pain" and he could feel a lot of it coming from me and wanted to help me. He started showing up in my department more and more just to talk. I could walk away as he talked to keep working and come back and he would still be there. During breaks, he would always come and sit at my table. He'd get annoyed when other guys tried to talk to me or talk about me but when I asked him about it he would insist he was just playing. One day, my brother came in to buy something and the guy was there. When he found out this was my brother, he puffed out his chest and held out his hand and introduced himself with an air of importance (you know, like how a man would introduce himself to another man in the life of a woman he was in a relationship with). Another day, he followed me around as I did some Christmas shopping in the store; people assumed we were together and I was the only one correcting them. Eventually, I left him alone while he was rambling to himself about being a good Christian (this was new; I'd never seen him talk to himself before). When I bought my things and went outside, he was standing there and insisted on walking with me to my car to help me get the things I bought in my trunk. He followed me even as I told him I didn't need his help and grabbed something from the cart, saying "I'm being a gentleman". At this point, I let him do it just to get the situation over with, but when he was done he walked over to the driver side door of my car and held out his arms for a hug as "another gesture of kindness." I told him no and waited for him to leave. He had his Uber pull up next to me so he could tell me goodbye. I stopped talking to him after that but he never seemed to notice. He did all the talking, even when he knew I wasn't listening. At one point I had headphones in and we were sitting in the break room alone; he came and sat at the table across from me and talked looking at me, but said he was just talking to himself. His voice rose until I could hear him over my music, but I ignored him, and eventually he slammed his hands on the table and got up and walked away. The next day he sent me a series of messages about how he needed to spend time with me, at least 7 of them within twenty minutes. So I replied that he was just a coworker to me, that I didn't want anything to do with him outside of work. And he sent me a dozen more messages, first saying okay, then that it was tough because he really needed to see me, and then nonsensical things. The messages kept coming until I blocked him. Later on that night while I was asleep, he posted onto my wall on Facebook saying "It's always been about you." My brother confronted him about this and his response was that he just felt the need to look out for me; this was the same thing he told pretty much everyone who asked him about it (I didn't want to talk about it, but the post was public on Facebook). At work, he tried to talk to me as though nothing happened, and I would constantly walk away until one day after I clocked out he came to me and asked me why I was ignoring him, saying it was rude and I should understand how it makes him feel when I pretend he doesn't exist, comparing it to a situation I'd been in when I told a guy I wanted to stop seeing him and that guy started ignoring me. I told him I made it clear I didn't want to talk to him, and he raised his voice, basically repeating the same argument without caring that there were customers around and he was still clocked in. Eventually he told me to have a nice life and stormed away, and that was it for a while until he started trying to talk to me again. It became a cycle of trying to make amends and then leaving me alone, but for a while now he's left me alone and hasn't even been staring at me the way he used to (the staring was really bad, and so was the arbitrarily walking through my department). He only talks to me about work related things when it's absolutely necessary and otherwise doesn't bother me. Should I be worried that he's still 'obsessed' with me? Should I expect another blow up when he finds out that this method won't work for him? He has told me that there is a chemical imbalance in his brain that had him institutionalized after he lost it and physically hurt a lot of people, but I'm not sure how true that is. I want to know if this is the sort of thing that passes, or if it's likely to escalate? What are the statistics and the signs that I might be in danger? I have tried: Telling the guy I'm not interested in him. Telling him I don't want to talk to him Ignoring him. I think it was caused by: Maybe I allowed him to think we were closer than we were because I humored him so often when he spoke to me?

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Recent edits by: Maria, keke, Eng

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