18 Sure Signs He Is Dangerously Obsessed with You

Edited by Donna, Eng, keke, Maria and 6 others

It really does feel nice to have an admirer in your life. It is no secret women thrive on lots of love and attention. It is also really true that sometimes those first dates that you thought were one-night stands really do turn into lovers and husbands. However, it is all too common these days for a woman to meet a guy and then have him become dangerously obsessed with her.

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This often happens at the point of rejection, whether that is after the first date or after a few years of being together but it can happen at any point during the relationship. Jealousy and insecurity are often part of a stalker's personality, and often the stalker is simply not right in the head or aware of what they are doing because they have been taught that possessive behavior is part of a romantic experience.

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The Statistics About Stalking In the US

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Obsession often leads to stalking according to a study done at Colorado State University and published on their Women and Gender Advocacy Center website. One in six women will be the victim of an obsessed stalker in her life. Two-thirds of these stalking incidents will be a current or former intimate partner.

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In some demographics, the danger of being stalked by a dangerously obsessed man is higher. One in six white women, one in seven Hispanic women and one in five black women will experience stalking in their lifetime. Indigenous women are most at risk with one out of three having to deal with a dangerously obsessed male.

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One way to avoid getting involved with a stalker is to know the behaviors that signify that you are dealing with one in the first place and take prompt steps to practice avoidance of him.

Signs He is Dangerously Obsessed With You

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  1. 1
    He bombs you with messages after one meeting
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    It is normal to get one message or a Facebook request after one meeting but it is not normal to be love-bombed by scores of text messages or calls in a desperate attempt to contact you. He also may expect you to answer his messages right away and become very upset if you do not return his messages within seconds. It is the insistence that he must know where you are all at times that is possessive and unhealthy.
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  2. 2
    He has no sense of personal boundaries
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    His comments in public or on social media might be inappropriately intimate or premature or suggest that you have an intimacy or connection that is just not there. He may even lie or imply that he is with you or that you have an intimacy or the past together that does not exist.
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  3. 3
    He is clingy, insecure and refuses to leave your side
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    If he sticks to your side when you run into him at events and prevents others from having a conversation with you or displays jealousy, then you have a stalker on your hands. He may express resentment if you talk to others and may even address others who try to talk to you in a way that is intended to shoo them away so he can have your company all to yourself.
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  4. 4
    He constantly compares you to an impossible ideal
    .
    Many dangerously obsessed men expect you to live up to an expectation that they have in their mind and when you don't live up to that image of perfection or disappoint them in any way, they become very upset and even seek revenge.
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  5. 5
    He compliments you but is extremely critical of you at the same time
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    This is an attempt on his part to make you feel insecure so that you have the feeling that you need him. He may have studied you, looking for weaknesses and decide to play on them in order to make you feel like you need him for advice or approval.
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  6. 6
    He spies on you every chance that he gets
    .
    You may get the feeling you are being watched every time you go out the door or you may be aware that he has posted pictures or sent photos of you when you were not aware of his presence. Most stalkers are voyeurs, but if you catch them doing something like watching you from his parked car near your house, he will tell you that it is just a coincidence.
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  7. 7
    He misrepresents his familiarity with you to your family and friends
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    He may tell others he is your boyfriend in order to force you to recognize him or to convince them to give information about you. He might also speak to you as if you already have a life together and say things like "I am looking forward to having Thanksgiving with your family" even if you have not made any such plans.
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  8. 8
    He arranges coincidences to prove that there is a soul mate connection between you
    .
    He may turn up all the time where you are and then try to use the "chance meetings" as proof that you belong together. He may also buy you gifts, that coincidentally, are your favorite things, without him ever having told you so. This is evidence that he may have been doing some research on you somehow, by lurking on Facebook or talking to your friends.
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  9. 9
    He tries to ingratiate his way into your life by being overly helpful
    .
    If you even casually mention that you are going somewhere he is the guy who will offer you a drive there, even if you don't need it. No matter what you are doing, cooking, cleaning or going shopping, he will always offer to be of assistance so he can spend more time in your company. The more time he can spend in your company, the more he feels he can control you and the events around you.
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  10. 10
    He does not understand that No Means No! You might request that he stop contacting you but he continues to ignore the requests of yourself, other people in your life, the police, a restraining order and other measures you may have taken for protection.
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  11. 11
    He becomes angry or violent if you reject him
    .
    Often he will threaten the object of desire in order to act out his controlling behavior and desire for vengeance. This type of behavior necessitates and immediate call to the police.
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  12. 12
    He threatens to hurt himself if you leave
    .
    This is a form of emotional blackmail designed to involve you in his life by making you feel guilty. Any threat of harm to himself or to you should also be reported to the police, immediately.
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  13. 13
    He breaks into your house and waits for you
    .
    This is an extremely dangerous situation that requires immediate assistance from the police. Even if you have given him the key because he is an ex, he should not be allowed to violate your privacy.
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  14. 14
    He keeps insisting that you are his soul mate
    .
    He will talk about your eventual union as a couple as if it is inescapable fate and meant to be and may even warn you that there could be dire consequences if you refuse to be with him.
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  15. 15
    He assumes your identity
    .
    Many stalkers are confused as to who they are and will act out their obsession with you by pretending to be you. This can be as simple as opening up fake social media accounts with your name or even actually breaking into your home to steal items of your clothing so he can dress up as you.
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  16. 16
    He physically stalks you by doing everything that you do
    .
    If you join a yoga class, he joins a yoga class. If he knows you walk your dog in the park at four o'clock every day, then he just happens to be there. He might also claim to know friends of yours that he does not really know and he might shadow you on social media sites, liking everything that you do and joining events and groups that you do.
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  17. 17
    He has a history of mental illness or addiction
    .
    Men with these afflictions tend to be more prone to the sadomasochistic and codependent tendencies that lead to unhealthy obsessive behavior.
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  18. 18
    He has a history of stalking and harassing other women
    .
    Often a stalker has a number of victims and looking into his past can sometimes reveal that you are part of an old pattern. Do some research about how his relationships with other women ended and whether they were violent or not.
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Finally, it is important for you to use your intuition as it will rarely lie to you about sensing someone who means you harm.

Questions and Answers

Is this a sign of obsession, abuse or is it both because I don't know what to do I'm confused?

There this boy I like and we dated before but we broke up because he said something I didn't like and I gave him chances to say he was sorry but he didn't do it. But he and I are still friends and we still have feelings for each other also. Now it's like every time I don't pay attention to him he starts insulting me in front of people like saying things that he knows will make me mad to get my attention. Then he calls me names like the B word and a dog and other stuff. But then he tells his friends that I'm his girlfriend but we not even dating. He likes begs me to give him a second chance but every time I do he mess up n talk to other females but it's like when it doesn't work out with them he expects me to take him back. Then it's like every time he says something and I say no he gets mad and calls me names too. My parents don't even like him and they tell me to stay away from him but I can't do that because I still have feelings for him. I just want to know if this abuse or obsession or both. My situation is not different at all its still all the same. I try to work it out and change it but every time I do it doesn't work out how I wanted it to be!

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This is not a healthy relationship and your parents are right in telling you to stay away. Distance yourself as much as possible. Your feelings will begin to disappear the more you do not speak with him. These feelings you are experiencing are toxic in nature and not good for you. It sounds like you are both young. There is a lot you have to learn as you grow older. This lesson right now is about only allowing those that care about you in your life. Only speak with boys that respect and honor you. Calling you names is not okay no matter what age you are.

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I highly appreciate if you could help me, my question is about obsession?

How can a person tell if there is someone who is obsessed by her? How does obsession start? What symptoms could lead to something more dangerous?

1 out of 12 women has been in a dangerous obsessive relationship. Some signs to look for are if he immediately says he loves you. How does he react to you saying no? Does he need to know what you are doing every waking minute? Does he show up at random places like he is following you? Document any contact that you have said no to. Text messages and letters, photos, a log of how many times you see him around your home or work. Little things like this can help you if you need to enforce an anti-stalking law where you reside.

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I think he was obsessed with me once. Should I still be concerned?

I have a coworker who has done a lot of the things on this list. At first, he just struck me as extremely friendly. He would walk over to the department I work in and offer to help me with things and we would chat. He found me on Facebook after another friend of ours did and started sending me messages there; I didn't want to speak to him so I wouldn't always respond, and sometimes he would send me multiple messages if I didn't get back to him. He tried to make himself important to me by telling me I always seem sad or like I have something on my mind even when I insisted I had no idea what he was talking about. He said he could "feel people's pain" and he could feel a lot of it coming from me and wanted to help me. He started showing up in my department more and more just to talk. I could walk away as he talked to keep working and come back and he would still be there. During breaks, he would always come and sit at my table. He'd get annoyed when other guys tried to talk to me or talk about me but when I asked him about it, he would insist he was just playing. One day, my brother came in to buy something and the guy was there. When he found out this was my brother, he puffed out his chest and held out his hand and introduced himself with an air of importance (you know, like how a man would introduce himself to another man in the life of a woman he was in a relationship with). Another day, he followed me around as I did some Christmas shopping in the store; people assumed we were together and I was the only one correcting them. Eventually, I left him alone while he was rambling to himself about being a good Christian (this was new; I'd never seen him talk to himself before). When I bought my things and went outside, he was standing there and insisted on walking with me to my car to help me get the things I bought in my trunk. He followed me even as I told him I didn't need his help and grabbed something from the cart, saying "I'm being a gentleman". At this point, I let him do it just to get the situation over with, but when he was done he walked over to the driver side door of my car and held out his arms for a hug as "another gesture of kindness." I told him no and waited for him to leave. He had his Uber pull up next to me so he could tell me goodbye. I stopped talking to him after that but he never seemed to notice. He did all the talking, even when he knew I wasn't listening. At one point I had headphones in and we were sitting in the break room alone; he came and sat at the table across from me and talked looking at me, but said he was just talking to himself. His voice rose until I could hear him over my music, but I ignored him, and eventually, he slammed his hands on the table and got up and walked away. The next day he sent me a series of messages about how he needed to spend time with me, at least 7 of them within twenty minutes. So I replied that he was just a coworker to me, that I didn't want anything to do with him outside of work. And he sent me a dozen more messages, first saying okay, then that it was tough because he really needed to see me, and then nonsensical things. The messages kept coming until I blocked him. Later on, that night while I was asleep, he posted on my wall on Facebook saying "It's always been about you." My brother confronted him about this and his response was that he just felt the need to look out for me; this was the same thing he told pretty much everyone who asked him about it (I didn't want to talk about it, but the post was public on Facebook). At work, he tried to talk to me as though nothing happened, and I would constantly walk away until one day after I clocked out he came to me and asked me why I was ignoring him, saying it was rude and I should understand how it makes him feel when I pretend he doesn't exist, comparing it to a situation I'd been in when I told a guy I wanted to stop seeing him and that guy started ignoring me. I told him I made it clear I didn't want to talk to him, and he raised his voice, basically repeating the same argument without caring that there were customers around and he was still clocked in. Eventually, he told me to have a nice life and stormed away, and that was it for a while until he started trying to talk to me again. It became a cycle of trying to make amends and then leaving me alone, but for a while now he's left me alone and hasn't even been staring at me the way he used to (the staring was really bad, and so was the arbitrarily walking through my department). He only talks to me about work related things when it's absolutely necessary and otherwise doesn't bother me. Should I be worried that he's still 'obsessed' with me? Should I expect another blow up when he finds out that this method won't work for him? He has told me that there is a chemical imbalance in his brain that had him institutionalized after he lost it and physically hurt a lot of people, but I'm not sure how true that is. I want to know if this is the sort of thing that passes, or if it's likely to escalate? What is the statistics and the signs that I might be in danger? I have tried: Telling the guy I'm not interested in him. Telling him I don't want to talk to him Ignoring him. I think it was caused by: Maybe I allowed him to think we were closer than we were because I humored him so often when he spoke to me?

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You need to report his behavior to Human Resources if you have no already. You may also want to consider looking for another job. While that is a drastic measure, this will help with removing him from your life. He seems to not be getting the hint, despite even your brother speaking to him. He does have an obsession with you. Make sure that you are not left in a room with him without someone else present. This is not to say that he will harm you but you do not want to take any chances. It also helps if you have witnesses should anything occur.

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You will want to get ahead of this at work. Should something happen, you don't want to be reporting his behavior for the first time. Even your co workers are probably uncomfortable with his behavior towards you. You should take his mental health admission seriously. That is not to say that people who have a mental health issue are dangerous but when off of medications can do things that no rational person would ever do.

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Hi Donna what about if the guy is spreading rumors and spending time with your family and friends?

What is that? A stalker? Or is he obsessed with me and making friends with my friends telling them lies. Making friends with family and friend of friends telling lies to my boyfriend's sister that I had a short relationship with him. I have tried: To ignore him but he is everywhere now and he is friends with my boyfriend's sister. I think it was caused by: My boyfriend broke up with me when he came out of jail in March

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If you never had a relationship with him, the game he is playing is dangerous. He is spreading these rumors to gain your attention. Continue to ignore him even if it means that you keep people he speaks with at a distance. You should consider getting some sort of video surveillance around your residence and in your vehicle. It will help you track if he is following you or watching you. If you find that he is, you can immediately bring that proof to the local authorities. To be safe, you should also have a trusted person in your life as a point of contact. Schedule times to check in with that person over a voice call and give them a copy of your weekly schedule. Arrange a safe word with them. For instance, if you say to them that you need to buy milk, they would know to call the police.

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My boyfriend has made that list you have provided, should I worry? Should I leave?

I have an older man in my life that is very successful. He keeps buying me gifts, I have a credit card that he has given to me to make purchases. When ever I don't use the card he gets angry with me. He forces me to give him all my bills so he can pay them, if I don't he gets really upset. I have been seeing him for 2 years now. 6 months ago, I told him I can't give him what he wants, which is to get married to me. I told him my family will never approve of this. He accepted the terms and we said we would continue to date until my family chooses someone for me to marry. Anyway, I've been noticing him always looking at the video camera at my house lately ( he has the password), then I noticed that he's been checking the alarm system, every time I leave and come home he checks it all hours of the night over and over again. You also noticed that he has created multiple fake IG accounts and added all of my family members and friends. He calls me all the time and expect me to pick up, if I miss his call he text me and ask me if everything is OK or if there's something wrong. He always wants to take me away, even tho he know I have kids and it's hard to leave them. I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Is my friend's boyfriend obsessive and can he become violent and hurt her?

My friend moved to small town about two years ago. She was feeling very lonely away from her friends. Then, a couple months ago a stranger sent my friend a friendship request on Facebook. She accepted his request and soon after that he was already liking her posts and even commenting them. About two weeks later he initiated a conversation with her, also on Facebook, and by the end of the day they'd exchanged their phone numbers and started talking on WhatsApp. . They were talking about meeting in person but he kept trying to meet her in secluded places. My friend was suspicious and tried settling to meet him at the park where she used to go running. The guy refused to go but, since she went there early in the morning when there were fewer people there, he showed up out of the blue. Moved by his gesture, my friend decided to go with him that night to wherever he wanted to take her. So he picked her up on his motorbike and took her to a nearby town where he disclosed to her that he actually had a girlfriend. He argued that the relationship had worn out and that he was going to break up with his girlfriend. . Almost two months passed but didn't end his relationship with the other girl. He was dating two girls at the same time. He promised my friend that he was going to put an end to that situation, that he was just trying to find the right moment to break up with the girl. Not really believing (but wanting to), my friend gave him an ultimatum: either he breaks up with his girlfriend in two weeks or she's out of his life for good. . Meanwhile, my friend went out one night and, since they live in a small town and couldn't be seen together or his girlfriend would found out about his affair, the guy didn't go with her, but he managed to ruin her night anyway. He called and texted her all night, crazy with jealousy and only stopped when she informed him she was back at home.. Then, three days before the deadline, he had an existential crises. He didn't go to work and started drinking (more than usual). He called my friend then and told her that she should break up with him (even though they weren't really dating, for he already had a girlfriend - but in his head, they were a couple). He said that he was poor and uneducated and that she could do better than that but, almost immediately, begged her not to abandon him. He claimed that he loved her, that she was his life and that he couldn't live without her. My friend pitted him and postponed the deadline. A few days later, though, my friend decided that she couldn't take that situation any longer and tried to break up with him but he cried and begged her not to abandon him and, once again, she gave in.. My friend then, heard some stories about the guy's relationship with his girlfriend. Someone close to the girl's family told her that they were pretty happy together. Because of that, my friend found the strength she needed to break up with him. She told him not to try to contact her in any way possible, that as long as he had a girlfriend she wouldn't be a part of his life. He, once again, begged her not to leave him. He said that everything she heard was a lie, that he was really close to breaking up with his girlfriend and all he need was a little more time and her patience. My friend, however, didn't falter in her decision and told him once more that he should not contact her again. Disregarding her request, he called and texted her many times for many days until one day she finally agreed to talk to him. While they were talking (over the phone) his girlfriend called him to end their relationship. He then called my friend back and, just like that, they became boyfriend and girlfriend. But he was (and still is) angry with the end of his relationship with the other girl. My friend believes it's because he wanted to be the one to break up with the girl but, to me, he had plenty of time to do so and he didn't do it because he didn't want to.. Reflecting on the things I mentioned above alongside with other things that I'd forgot to tell such as the fact that he showed up at her house on her birthday when her entire family was there even though she'd told him not to go, I decided to make some research on obsessiveness for, in my opinion, his behavior is not normal, and that how I found this article. Before I started my research, though, I tried to fill in some blank spaces: why did he go after some else if he already had a person to unleash all his obsessiveness? and why did he choose my friend specifically? . After thinking for a long time I figured out possible answers to these questions: he, indeed, could've been on the verge of a break up with the other girl (probably because he was losing control over her) and he needed someone to replace her. But, then again, why did he choose my friend? The only explanation I could find is that he needed someone easy to control. According to my friend, his ex-girlfriend had had some health problems before they met which left her vulnerable and easily controlled. My friend is not much different than that girl: she sometimes publishes things like "I'm single but I'm not lonely", or "better to be single than to be in a bad relationship". These kinds of statements show she's needy and desperate to be romantically involved with someone, exactly the kind of person this guy wanted. For all the things he's done in the past two months I believe he an obsessive man. He is extremely jealous and insecure and, therefore, needs someone to control so he can be sure that he won't be abandoned. However, my opinion may be compromised for I, myself, had been stalked in the past by a complete stranger. I managed to get rid of him after three months of him calling and texting me over thirty times a day. I don't really talk about it. In fact, my family doesn't even know this happened to me. Anyway, some of the things that this guy is doing to my friend remind me of what that stranger did to me and because of that, I may not have a partial opinion regarding my friend's situation. But I find it hard to believe I'm wrong. At the very beginning of their relationship, this guy made plans for their wedding, the children they will have and after they started officially dating, he told her that they will be together for the rest of their lives, that they will soon get married and have babies and that he won't let her abandon him. And the worst part is that, according to my friend, she's not really into him. She said he makes her laugh and is a good companion, but she is not crazy about him. I believe her. I think she is desperate to have a boyfriend and she'll take whatever comes in her way. My greatest fear is that, if she decides to break up with him, he might hurt her. The guy in question seems to fit in many of the signs presented in the article. But it also feels like his feelings for my friend are genuine. And given my history with stalkers, I'm not sure was being impartial when made my conclusions about him. I just need insight from someone who really understands obsessive behavior conform or not my suspicions and guide me in what I should or shouldn't do. I have tried: My friend tried to keep her distance from him. After she decided to break up with him she didn't answer his calls and texts until she couldn't ignore him anymore and they got back together. I think it was caused by: I think she was targeted by this man because she displayed all her vulnerability on her Facebook profile by publishing things like "better to be single than to be in a bad relationship". I think this guy is insecure and needs someone to control so he'll be sure she will never leave him. He probably lost that with his former girlfriend and needed someone to replace her.

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What is the difference between a stalker and some being obsessed with you?

From today I am not sure if I have a stalker or if that man is obsessed with me and I can't take it no more I need to speak out. I can't leave my house in peace because he follows me, I can't be on my phone in peace because outside listening to me. He is always around my house. Even my husband comes out from work he is there. Donna I am stressed out, I need talk to somebody.

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